poem 30/12/2009

As naked trees reach to the crisp gray sky
and populate the gentle mountainside;

As turkey tracks parade across the path
and follow, companion prints to footsteps;

As unbroken crust of a frozen field
holds the tentative weight of my body;

As starling caws burst from their treetop holds
and undulate through the motionless hills;

As the warmth of lights in lowering dusk
beckons to blankets and wood-panelled walls;

As wisps of cloud reveal the full-faced moon
and faintly kiss and caress its pale light;

As falling shadows meld with wooded trails,
As the swollen creek persistently flows,
As silent secrets hug lone country roads;

I love you --

As blue ridge mountains cling to wintry nights.

christina is carrying 2 sets of identical twins

go to googlism. put in your name. this is the type of awesome you will find.
thanks rochelle for putting me on to it.

christina is a dear person whom i've come to know through our tragically crossed paths
christina is especially proud of her ballads
christina is young
christina is the best 'sleepy girl' that i have ever seen
christina is a 21 year old woman and she needs to dress the way she wants to dress
christina is your best choice
christina is carrying 2 sets of identical twins
christina is livin' it up with rappers she considers her big brothers
christina is internationally renowned & highly sought after
christina is trapped in a loveless marriage to the german prince hans
christina is an organizational development executive for a major fashion retailer
christina is respected and loved by the people of america
christina is my role model
christina is a singer/songwriter from glasgow
christina is down and dirty
christina is on sabbatical until june 2001
christina is so fascinated with marilyn monroe?
christina is singing the song with just her voice and piano because it shows she can actually sing
christina is more a garbo vehicle than a mamoulian film
christina is awesome
christina is abducted by the ghoul
christina is the protagonist in the story
christina is a fascinating lady, confident, bright and intelligent with a whole range of interests
christina is not at this point permanently exiled from sweden
christina is single
christina is a soul diva
christina is astounded when friends romanticize her situation
christina is a punter of loudonline
christina is highly motivated
christina is back

a sonnet

I've found you in the sweetly spiced steaming of tea

Though it burns my fingers and it suddenly mists

My vision over with fog on lenses lost to see,

I carry you, secret, a warmth between my fists.

You tend to surface gently inside of each song

And re-flourish afresh on the words that you wrote

So transient it seems that I must have it wrong

And these thoughts cram all in, try to stop up my throat.

I've found you in forests where deep boughs surround

Enfolding me, truthful, and I do what I must

As stark wind just ripples a lone frantic heart crowned

With being, just being, in the midst of all dust.

Bright moss springs up behind each step across my heart

That flows the faintly dire of each moment into art.

harry meets a kindred spirit

despite the increased harry potter joy on the blog of late,

I actually did this a long while ago

when I was experimenting with charcoals and pastels.

I just never got it up here.

my favorite poem maybe

who knows if the moon's

a balloon, coming out of a keen city

in the sky -- filled with pretty people?

(and if you and i should

get into it, if they

should take me and take you into their balloon,

why then

we'd go up higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:

go sailing

away and away sailing into a keen

city which nobody's ever visited, where

always

it's

Spring) and everyone's

in love and flowers pick themselves

by e e cummings

it's coming

oh my holy FREAKING goodness

go here

watch it

be ridiculously excited

(like I am)

I want to dye my hair purple

I am harry potter.

the end.

I win

well sorry for the light posting, but I have reached the day (or week) of reckoning and actually have to do things. yesterday, I wrote an 11-pager and a 4-pager in the morning, gave a presentation, wrote a 5-pager and a 2-pager in the afternoon, and an 8-pager at night (and into the morning).

I WIN

granted, there is still much much much left to do, but I have a week to do it and not just one day, so I feel good. I still have a 10-15 pager, a however-long-it-needs-be-but-probably 10-pager, paris walks paper (bwah still haven't done that), a portfolio and CV, swahili writeup, humanities final-cum-museum exposition paper, and that's just what I can think of off the top of my head.

but "it will be okay. if you do your best, it will be okay." (pres. hinckley)

so I cannot WAIT for this week to be over!! I fly home in a week! and knowing me, I'll start packing in like, 2 days.

I am going to beat the crap out of this semester in this last week, much like it beat the crap out of me for the past 3 and a half months. REVENGE IS SWEET.

anything but long

though my hair is a lot shorter than the last pictures

it's still grown a ton since I got it cut

when I came back from thanksgiving break

oceane couldn't believe how much it had grown

I'm like harry potter

except I grew it over a week

instead of overnight

and there was no horrendous haircut mistake to fix by magic ...

just an awful lot of hair that won't stop growing

I love how every time I see a picture of myself

even of just a month ago

I always say, "woah my hair is so long"

and then I realize how ridiculous that statement is.

my hair is anything but long.

though it certainly is awesome :)

card for cassi

"If I had known I would get to spend the rest of my life with you," he said,

"I would have started the rest of my life much sooner."

card I made for cassi's bridal shower

somehow adorable

I just realized that I never got these up at halloween-time cause the internet was being stupid. well, it's still sort of stupid, but it works. here is my mold-ridden, diseased (yet still somehow adorable) pumpkin, a tribute to where the wild things are.

wishing money grew on trees. or shrubberies

got an email from les petits freres

asking me to take a survey

and inviting me back next summer

...

oh I am so tempted.

maybe if I get the ORCA grant I can afford it ...

hmmm :)

smashing

okay okay so I'm not supposed to be blogging - I'm supposed to be working on the 20 billion things I have to do in, oh, the next WEEK or so. so many things. anyway, I needed a break, so here I am.

I am not yet done with Mrs. Dalloway, but here are some vocabs I got and some awesome quotes.

vocabs:
equerries
shindy
antediluvian
obsequious
cadge
a thumbscrew
urbane
jocund
bethink
lugubrious
pertinacious
torpid
shallop
troublous

" -- It has flowered; flowered from vanity, ambition, idealism, passion, loneliness, courage, laziness, the usual seeds ..."

"And was there, after all, anything to draw attention to them, anything to make a passer-by suspect here is a young man who carries in him the greatest message in the world, and is, moreover, the happiest man in the world, and the most miserable?"

also, for the record, I look smashing today. new skirt classiness joy.

also, I am starving.

I'm grateful for:

books
paper
food
family
friends
the past
the internet
photographs
cemeteries
traditions
holidays
haircuts
cute clothes
my IKEA comforter
soap
clean laundry
university
my camelbak water bottle
art
naps
slippers
good movies
music
skirts and dresses
glasses and contacts
advil
stripey socks
ice cream
home
home away from home
hiking
sisters and brothers
road trips
professors
yoga
bubble baths
poems
turtles
trees

thanksgiving break

I'm still drowning.

why is it that I cannot find peace?
sometimes I can find it within myself
but only sometimes
and then I re-emerge
and it slips away

things are not supposed to be this hard.
and if they are ...
well, someone forgot to tell me.

my feminist club

so, the Daily Universe (BYU student newspaper) didn't publish my editorial about saving the BYU Women's Research Institute. well, I guess the editorial was more a concern about the effects the elimination of the WRI will have on students, as well as advice to discuss the issue moderately. and they didn't publish any editorial written by the many many female students who wrote in. they published this, written by a male student:

"It is morally wrong for us to question the judgment of our inspired leaders. Stop crying about the loss of your feminist club. Men seem to be doing perfectly fine without one."

unfortunately, like so many BYU editorials, this man was not trying to be funny or sarcastic. he was trying to get me riled up. and oh did he succeed ...

I don't even want to get into all of this. I have too much to say about this issue. I will just keep it short and simple.

1) I believe the leaders of this university are inspired. but they are not gods. it is my job as an involved citizen of this campus to express my concerns. I don't really expect them to change their minds, but I would be negligent if I didn't raise my voice. and utterly irresponsible if I took every word handed down to me without questioning it in a healthy way. I am not a robot.

2) the WRI is not a feminist club. it is an institution that promotes and houses research centered on women and encourages women to research. it is a critical contribution to important scholarship. also, I certainly wish we had a feminist club. I would join. but this is not it.

3) real men would welcome a feminist club. real men appreciate and encourage powerhouse women. real men want an educated and capable woman. cowards fear the influence of intelligent women - as they should. all men should be feminists - the education and equality of individual women will solve the world's problems.

rant over.

skills update

skills I would like to have someday:

guitar sort of
photography
calligraphy
poetry
sketching
sign language
rock climbing
killing spiders
keeping plants alive other than cacti
folding paper cranes and turning them into mobiles
lying to keep a surprise a secret
listening to a political debate without saying anything
hang-gliding
bird-watching
kissing

hey! making progress

après tout

et si je me trompe ?

exprès –

en fait, j’ignore la vérité

ça peut être toi ?

je ne sais pas

c’est tout dans l’imagination ?

pas moi

je vive entre peur et foi

peur trop vrai

qui m’enlève ma paix

je peux imaginer

maintes choses

qui peindraient ma vie toute en rose

mais enfin

tu es mon destin ?

tu sais, je n’ai aucune idée

je tends la main

mais vois de loin

que tu n’es plus

l’un au dessus

je mens

mais quoi de neuf ?

après tout

music-ness

La Roux - Bullet Proof from serkan söğüt on Vimeo.

utah gratitude

today's gratitude post is all about utah, because I don't appreciate it enough. though it's a lot easier to appreciate when I know I won't be here anymore pretty soon.

+ utah sky blue. it is incredible. and I've never seen such a vivid blue anywhere else.
+ spoon me frozen yogurt deliciousness
+ proximity to great hiking
+ proximity to the church's center - it really is awesome to be at conference in person etc.
+ proximity to grandpa and celesta & co.
+ being where my dad grew up and where he loves
+ the full moon that comes up over the edge of the mountain and makes everything glow
+ being so close to the temple
+ meeting the friends I live(d) with and love
+ driving in the canyon
+ walking to school in the morning (when it's not too cold)
+ my favorite bus driver
+ being close to claire when she lived in salt lake
+ sangria senorial
+ becoming even more of myself (not that I credit utah with that, but it has hosted many a transformation and for that I must be grateful)

it's a great place. I will be happy and sad to leave. bittersweet is always the order of the day. I am a master of such emotions. anyway, today's utah gratefulness has drawn to a close.

your fellow fellow

I have yet to turn in an essay to my writing fellow for my humanities class. It was due a week ago. When she returned the papers to the class today, she handed me a letter that said, "Where is your paper young lady?" signed Your Fellow Fellow (we fellows love to say that) with a couple sheets of THIS attached. I laughed out loud in class as I read it. Maybe this is something only writing fellows-ish people appreciate, but I had to share.

Every year, English teachers from across America can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

Do enjoy last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

9. McBride fell 12 stores, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetables soup.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

13. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

14. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

15. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

16. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

20. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

espoir et paix

"par la patience, et par la consolation que donnent les Écritures, nous possédions l'espérance." Romans 15.4

"vous devez marcher résolument, avec constance dans le Christ, ayant une espérance d'une pureté parfaite et l'amour de Dieu et de tous les hommes." 2 Nephi 31.20

"... vous espérez en des choses qui ne sont pas vues, qui sont vraies." Alma 32.21

" et a cause de la douceur et de l'humilité de coeur vient la visitation du Saint-Esprit, lequel Consolateur remplit d'espérance et d'amour parfait,  amour qui subsiste par la diligence dans la prière." Moroni 8.26


"il ne demeure pas dans des temples qui ne sont pas saints."

"diligents a garder en tout temps les commandements de Dieu."

"acquiers la paix intérieure et des milliers autour de toi seront sauves." Saint Seraphin de Sarov

cahier de reconnaissance

the first of a few gratitude posts leading up to thanksgiving because 1) I love thanksgiving and 2) I write these down anyway and it's a good thing to share. I started keeping track of gratitudes last winter semester when the going got tough and the only way to put a positive spin on it was to make myself think of 10 good things at the end of the day. then I was in paris and didn't need a pick me up. then I was in toulouse and I did - and since there was no oceane to report to there, I took to writing it down. back in america, I let things slide again until now, when the going's tougher than ever and something needed to be done.

they're not always just straight up blessings, they're just things that make me happy and therefore grateful.

so here are some excerpts from my gratitude notebook

things from toulouse:
- the bishop remembered my name
- I ate taboule with figs in it and it was delicious
- Jacqueline and I do the bise x4 instead of x2
- I wore my bohemian tunic and the old ladies like it
- I ate a banana
- wander-walked
- the mission president's son looks like michael douglas
- lady at the internet cafe didn't make me pay
- cantaloupe
- playing the ukelele
- singing at church
- coldplay - we never change - "I want to live in a wooden house"
- long talks with benjamin and how he's taught me things about myself after a week that I'd not realized my whole life
- saxaphone jazz on the garonne
- goodbye bise from florence

things from this week:
- stephan says I have french hippie style
- still no snowfall in the valley
- where the wild things are
- yoga with the enrichment group
- I ate breakfast
- cassi thought my outfit was really cute today
- got a care package from charlie
- I made the guys at work laugh
- lots of comments on my blog

caring sharing every little thing that we are wearing

this post is about my sister claire

because I love her

so much

11.11

today is november 11th

and therefore 11/11

so ... double wishing power!

sir reginald

the writing fellows have a discussion board on blackboard in which there are some useful forums as well as a miscellaneous posting spot that changes every now and then. things such as - cheese, what to do in the event of a raptor attack on campus, what to name the dinosaur in the writing fellows office - are featured. well, I decided to get my hands dirty and let the wit and humor flow, and here's what I say in regards to naming the dinosaur. this post won me the writing fellows weekly email blackboard shout-out, of which I claim eternal fame and glory.

ahem.

sir reginald

I'm all for naming pets very dignified, incongruent names.
and since our dinosaur is most definitely a friendly dinosaur, I think we should go for a dignified pet name.
in the style of oscar wilde.
for example:
arnold
arthur
oliver
vincent
sebastian
linus
jasper
basil
george
walter
lawrence

... and the like.
the dignity of these names is debatable.
I think I'll put in a personal vote for jasper.

katy (she who holds much writing fellows weekly email power) has dubbed the dinosaur - sir reginald.

just not good enough

things that make me a perfectionist (a by the book technically I really am I'm not just making this up but probably need to fix some of this perfectionist):

- list of "should's" and "have to's"
- don't want to do things because I'm afraid of failure
- pressure to earn others' approval
- must be the best or 'perfect' in tasks
- leads to procrastination until I have time to do it 'perfectly'
- I measure myself against my own standards

- there is no in between - I am all good or all bad

well, here's the deal.
how is this affecting my life? -- BADLY
how is this affecting the way I feel about myself? -- BADLY

what can I do about this?
well, yes, that is the question, isn't it?

you tell me.

pets

 the african pygmy hedgehog

one for me

 the miniature pig

one for carolyn

the fennec fox

and one for claire and jesse

lie. make that two apiece. they all get depressed when they live alone.
and the hedgehog self-mutilates when it doesn't have enough space.

hey-o

it's all in the family

umm

I think me and john are absolute twinners

I look more like him than I look like any of my sisters

I didn't ever realize this until oceane pointed it out

I was wondering why this picture looked so deja vu ...

self portrait

this is the self-portrait I mentioned earlier. again, it probably looks not much like me, but I don't care. here's the original, and then I'm having some fun messing around with it digitally. when I get something interesting pulled together, I'll put it up.

7h30ish

 

listening to andy sing

scrambling for a sketch

no better way to pass an evening

guess what?

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I'm not a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

(art by me,

lyrics by marina and the diamonds)

not a love poem - oct 27th

this is not a love poem.

this is a poem about cheesecake

an itty-bitty one with a strawberry on top

that I placed very carefully

in your fridge

like that grape juice I got you

that one time.

this is a poem about meaningless movies

that we sat through together

bubbles of anxiety

pretending we weren't guessing

what the other was thinking

every other minute.

this is a poem about monopoly

and speedy-quick die rolls

that saved me

and my railroad conglomerate

from brutal taxation

once upon a party.

this is a poem about salad

and how much of it you ate

incredulous

at my little plate

plenty for my nervous little stomach

that day.

this is a poem about poems

that I wrote and sent

and you absorbed in all their

sweet and delicate

heart-soul glory

every now and then.

this is a poem about me and you.

but it is not a love poem.

no. it is not.

thanks, leo

don't go

I’m waiting here as long as it takes

or until you tell me to go home

I have made up my mind and it makes

me so sure and so scared of it all

as if the present weren’t hard enough

I’m tangled in my unknown future

and I’m trying so hard to be tough

in the face of taunting facelessness

no one to turn to, I turn to you

knowing you’re not going to answer

at least I'm not letting the hope through

the cloud cover I obscure you with

what would you think if you really knew

all I would give for you if I could?

perhaps you’ve already seen right through

what poor guise I’ve cobbled together

you’re taking it slow

but I just need to know

please dear, don’t go.

I’ll eat you up I love you so.

art by leo espinosa

stuff I found out:

- provided I've gotten enough sleep to wake up, I actually work much better in the morning than at night. night just feels like quitting time.
- milk really does make a cold get worse. but I love milk! I love it so much!
- forgetting to eat because you're busy is a vicious cycle. your stomach gets smaller and you get less and less of an appetite.
- I can sleep anytime anywhere, but I'll usually nap lightly. but. that's a big but. but if there's no light on, I will never wake up. never. nope. not ever.
- I am a connoisseur of many things, most notably: tartes aux citrons, pens, and any given season of H&M merchandise. I am also a connoisseur of skechers shoes, but that is TOTALLY AGAINST MY WILL.

today's message is brought to you by:

little gandhis

the first day of my life

lyrics:

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain

Suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I'd let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realize that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange

You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said "this is the first day of my life

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care
I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me

With these things there's no telling

We just have to wait and see

Besides maybe this time is different

I mean I really think you like me

-- bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning

story of my life

blogger is being silly. it won't let me upload any pictures and my google analytics isn't registering, so my meter's been running 0 hits for the last two weeks, which I know cannot possibly be true. when I have time to fix it, I will fix it, if anything can be done.

so thursday night I couldn't sleep. I don't know what was going on - I never have trouble sleeping. but I only got 2 and a half hours of sleep. also I hadn't eaten in about 20 hours the next day and I wasn't even hungry. it was very strange. then, friday night, I was sleeping on the couch so oceane and her sister amandine, who was visiting, could sleep in the same room. but I had to wait til curfew then to be able to sleep. then the fire alarm goes off twice and we had to wait outside in the cold ... long story short, I didn't get to bed til 3.30 in the morning. so I got enough sleep that night, but it wasn't very restful because I was so behind, you know what I mean? I got some more good sleep last night, plus the extra hour from daylight savings time, but I'm still on the catch-up :(

I did laundry - huzzah! - and took out winter clothes and tried on other clothes. happy happy day, I can fit into things again that I couldn't wear at the beginning of the semester. I gained about 10 pounds in france and I've lost it all and a bit more, which is very happy indeed. now I just need to start exercising and eating better and I can lose even more. this loss was mostly a transition back to a normal diet as opposed to my diet in france. stress has probably had an impact, too.

I did some drawing the other night, a self-portrait of sorts that I'm pretty pleased with, especially since I wasn't actually looking at myself at all while I did it. it might or might not actually look like me, but that's besides the point.

I went to sunday dinner at celesta's, which was fun, and then had a long talk with her in the car, like we usually do when she drops me off. but now it's late late late (or way early) and I have to write a paper :( blegh story of my life and I am not even kidding. story of my life.

october 9th

bees float in and out of the trashcan

and my line of vision

moving sluggishly through the ether-air

around my head

like the cloud clusters that inch

across the gradient shade sky

-- lazily

words float in and out of my mind

like the shoe-sound conversation

that approaches and fades

in diagonals

around my half-shade bench

vantage point

-- apart

the world so stark and out of reach

eludes the scrabbling clutches

of my reaching fingertips

and over-dramatized words

that ooze inadequacy and excess

over the canvas of my vision

-- lost

things

1. I bought things and now feel incredibly guilty for spending money. I like the things, but the guilt. oh the guilt!

2. oh how I wish I had the luxury of being job-less and concentrating on my schoolwork. I can't even imagine what I would do with an extra 15 hours or so a week. maybe dance in leaf piles and sing in the parking lot, for starters. in celebration of the 15 extra hours. I could do all of my readings in that time! I could write 3 or 4 papers in that time! I could - gasp! - make a sandwich to bring to school! just the thought is making me tear up.

3. the temptation to give up on all this is hitting me hard tonight. but the moods change so rapidly, I should probably just give it a couple days. that and a psych appt. tomorrow. I don't even know how useful that is though. every appt. I have all of these epiphanies about myself, but every week, nothing seems to change.

4. I did some art on saturday night. experimented with some charcoals and pastels.

5. I need a haircut SO BAD, but have neither the time or money to spend on it.

6. and hey! I forgot to upload my pumpkin pictures. which I still can't do at the moment, blogger's having some uploading issues (annoying ...) but the pumpkin is my small tribute to where the wild things are. then, like 5 days later, it was completely filled with mold, which kind of freaked me out. imagine what a strange strain of mold like that would do in your lungs ...

remind me to post about where the wild things are

7. stake conference was today and, considering how good it was, I don't understand why I feel so down.

8. I was the chef for french house dinner tonight. the lentil soup (yum!) and rosemary potatoes were a big hit, and the pumpkin pies with homemade whipped cream that I delivered to the apartments after the evening session of conference were much appreciated. sometimes the simplest things can make people so happy and I love how it makes me feel.

words words words

opprobrium
fulminate
lumpen
histrionic
eremitic
recondite
bight
paucity
atavistic
hogan
catamaran

these are all from jon krakauer's into the wild. for being such a reputedly accessible author, easy to read, he certainly uses an inordinate amount of obscure vocabulary.

limeade and purple sweatshirts

me and oceane rearranged our room and made bunkbeds. at midnight. it was awesome. especially the part where I couldn't lift my end of the bed ... I didn't think I was going to be particularly excited about being on the top bunk again, but the view of our room is strangely satisfying. in fact, most views these days are incredibly satisfying. must be the way I'm viewing things.

I. love. camera obscura. as usual, I have amanda to thank for getting me to buy them. there's just so much music to get and enjoy and the times I actually decide to devote money to checking into stuff, well it's usually about 2 years after amanda initially told me to look into it, so I'm always behind the curve. I may not have listened to the music, but I can totally band name drop like nobody's business. anyway. I think I will buy the cranberries tonight. I have loved them forever. first exposure I had to the cranberries was my parents listening to john's cassette tape of them, back when they screened our music. man, that was such a long time ago.

I am going to go do homework. what a novel concept!

trees

part 2:

awesomeness by jessixa

and we're back

internet roundup!
after a very very long time
just a few awesome things I dug up over the weekend
part 1:

I am going to live here. and that is that. the end.

eh?

hey hey friends

here's to hoping you like the slightly switched up design. I was looking for something more awesome to do, but all of the free templates I could find were pretty lame. I could always upgrade and put ads on to make the money to pay for the upgrade (and some extra maybe) but I haven't decided if I'm going to inundate you yet. that could be thoroughly annoying for everyone involved.
but it's money ...

it is official. I have a minimum of 18 papers due before the end of the semester. good times, eh?

pumpkin season strikes again

I stayed in last night and though I felt just slightly lame for not being social, it felt so wonderful to have a few hours where I didn't have to be working on something. where I could just chill out, read my book, drink strawberry milk, and watch a movie with gina. I have to actually be working on stuff today, but I have a few other things going on, too -
+ went to a visiting teaching activity this morning (with breakfast!) and talked with some girls I don't usually talk to much
+ I took a long shower and shaved my legs and cut my fingernails
+ tried on winter clothes to see what still fits and what doesn't :(
+ I mailed my absentee ballot application for upcoming elections
+ talked to my father! for an hour!
+ I need to do laundry
+ I'm going with celesta and victoria to the scera for their auditions and to keep victoria company. I really hope I don't get sick ...
+ and maybe we can swing to wal-mart or something to get more toothpaste and undershirts. yay :)

I really need a haircut. seriously, now I know what it feels like to be a man and need a haircut just about every three weeks. it's kind of ridiculous that my hair is approaching mullet qualifications. that means THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE. no, not really, it's not that bad, but I still need a haircut.

october is here, which means my favorite weather, and of course, candy corn season! also pumpkins!! the pumpkin smoothie at jamba juice might just sap my checking account in the next few weeks, especially because a smoothie is pretty much a meal for me and a meal is better than what I usually manage to eat during the day ... 40 cent granola bars and water, with the occasional applesauce, make up the rest of my diet. that's why I get so upset when the flsr meals are vegetable or fruit-less and not up to healthy deliciousness par, because it's the only good meal I'm getting! it needs to be good.

school is swamping, but I'm doing alright. writing fellows is time-consuming, but actually a whole lot of fun. it makes me want to be a pro french tutor so I could make lots of moneys, cause tutoring is pretty awesome.

claire and jesse are chilling at aguas calientes and machu picchu these last couple days and I am ... jealous.

conference summary - day 2

I stayed up so late cleaning the whole apartment the night before, so I guess I was more tired than I realized. my alarm went off at 8.45, plenty of time to shower and be prepared to listen to conference, but I fell back asleep. when I woke up again, I figured it'd been a half-hour maybe, but it was 11 o'clock!! whimper whimper. sad day. so I rolled out of bed and caught the second half of the morning session. I'll have to watch the first half soon.

morning session:
- to receive revelation - know & obey relevant truths, heed prophetic council, employ virtues
- I am immersed in the thick of thin things
- reminder to accomplish my mission of serving others

(elder nelson wears french cuffs)

afternoon session:
- peace comes from a deep testimony & love of the Book of Mormon
- I am accountable for my time & talents
- don't run faster than you have strength, but we should be diligent
- we lose our zeal/conversion/dedication when casual with prayer & scriptures
- I have the right to make choices, but an obligation to account for them
- mere wanting is hardly a proper guide for conduct

(and elder renlund had a nice purple pocket square)
(and elder sitati is from kenya)

specific goal: read scriptures and pray at least once a day. pray more often, before starting random things, like studying or writing a paper, writing fellows conferences, workshops and training, etc.

my swahili teacher is in the tabernacle choir and it was really cool to see him and be able to point him out to my family and friends. he is just such an awesome guy. he's known elder sitati since he joined the church as a young man.

as predicted, the only things I accomplished from my list were to watch conference and go to celesta's house. both very good things, but not even half the list. I love to make lists, but for some reason, I don't feel the need to cross things off my list. so I have no OCD motivation to accomplish things - darn it. I was banking on that to make up for my lack of self-discipline ...

thank you

dear jonathan safran foer,

I read your book extremely loud and incredibly close. I read it during a hard time for me, and it re-opened my eyes to the world, to a way of seeing that I had forgotten I once knew. I am 20 years old and I felt that I was oskar, his grandmother, and his grandfather all at once. it made no sense at all, and it made perfect sense. I imagine you felt the same way when you wrote it. I don't know why I can feel the deepest sorrows your characters have felt when I know that I have never felt them. yet it makes perfect sense.

I just finished your book everything is illuminated. I read it because I'd read you before and I knew it would be a genius work and would change me. it was a genius work and it changed me. it makes me proud of you. some parts were harder to read when I read them out loud to my best friend. like alex, by saying them out loud I was making them happen again. I shook and could not stop shaking.

sometimes I felt like alex, that you did not have to make the fictions of your story so horrible and crude. sometimes I was disgusted. but I know these things were necessary for you to do. I have not yet decided if this story is what happened to you. I don't think it really matters. you did not write it for me. I am a writer, too, so I understand how maybe for you, to write it was the only way to know yourself, or your past, or your maybe past, which is really you, which is really your future.

for you, everything was illuminated. for me, some things were illuminated, the true things so true that they ache me, the light ones and the dark.

I know you do not need it, but I want to tell you thank you.

christina suzanne hilton

conference summary - day 1

morning session:

_ strong emotions overpower the spirit, including anger, hate, passion, fear, pride
_ need to have a time of quiet - be still - each day
_ aim high - more than you think you can do
_ love is a source of strength, casts out fear, brings peace
_ consistently live what you know
_ love is tolerance and respect, joy & divine hope
_ what we love determines what we seek, then what we think and do, then who we are & who we will become

afternoon session:

_ raising families = the work of eternity
_ real love does not support self-destructive behavior
_ when skeptical and critical, the spirit cannot be with us
_ each day do a little better
_ there will always be intellectual crisis as long as there is faith and a finite mind
_ be temperate in all things - moderation, self-control, diligent, patient, when under stress will not break into hurtful shards
_ you can always pray

a specific goal: express anger, passion or frustration about a situation or event, not at a person.

I love conference. it just makes peace all through me.

later, I did mine and most everyone else's chores, including the sinks, toilet, shower, kitchen counters, stove & table, and swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. then I took out the trash. then I cleaned up my bookshelf and floor (I had already cleaned up the closet). now I just need to do some laundry. on monday, probably. chores are so much less daunting when it's just a little apartment with one bathroom and doesn't take a posse of children to clean.

tomorrow - more conference, afternoon at celesta's, write 2 papers, readings for monday class, put up art in my room, plan the week, go for a walk. I can pretty much guarantee that only half of that is going to get done.

dreams aplenty dreams galore

1

in france?
UTA buses
the ones with green UVU ads on the sides
ginette's foot is run over by it while the bus is making a turn
or the bus wouldn't get off of it
she was wearing her double strap sandals
jeffrey wandering and being lost
I needed to help him

2

end of an into-the-wild-type experience
but more group than individual
"lessons learned" showcase
david banks & his mother
I was supposed to play piano/accompaniment
for the first 3 things & I didn't know beforehand
but what I learned/was showing was influenced by my guide
by the people I interacted with throughout my adventure
I can't remember entirely,
but I had formed a deep attachment to somebody from this experience

3

native children
snowy mountains
going down the mountain in a giant caterpillar tread wheel thing
full of children
one child - blue - got glass in his eye
rubbed
gross
eventually died
father scientist guy

at chuck e cheese
lemon infused rice and french fries
jeans and hat
mallory clark?

me, oceane & rachel drake
at the beach, on the shore, a box of bras we tried on
2 at once, black small triangle lace
close to heritage halls
were going to haggle for them, but ended up not paying

swahili class overhead project

4

at the flsr
were looking for soup pot everywhere & couldn't find it
in the common rooms to eat
lindsay dropped a huge tureen of soup
also, russell was there
asked me again if we were going to get together conference weekend
I said no, exasperated

crazy boy games
huge obstacle course built for gocarts or something
they end up doing track & field stuff
throwing a fake skull
gimli threw it too far, went to get it
there was a real skull next to the fake one in the stream
bad omen
he has nightmares and is freaked out after
I'm the only one that knows what's going on
so I go down in the cellar to talk to drew & cassi about it
really hot down in cave
but there's a bunch of men there
around large tables and in front of a fire in the stone fireplace
so we can't talk
they start fighting with swords

at celesta & paul's house
in the bathroom
it's like the whole room is a giant portapotty
the hollowed floor is full of spaghetti and plastic trays
ocelot/leopard goes to the door - was really a tiger
paul brought it back in out of the hall and a larger tiger followed
it was going to come get me, close, close, maybe 5 feet
but it stopped when I sang to it
they disappeared and I got out
at kitchen sink, faucet spraying me
celesta gets mad that I'm making a mess

concession

okay okay

I know

I am a fool
and 100% ridiculous
and completely out of control

as alexander would say - I am eating humble pie
(everything is illuminated)

okay. I have been thinking about it. and I actually know an awful lot of men who are amazing - smart and funny and intellectual and respectful and very kind. usually, they don't even need to earn my respect - it just is. with good people, you can tell. I do them a great disservice to rant my generalizations like this. and it is entirely unfair to write off all goodness because of a single fault.

and as my friends point out to me, I would hate to be generalized as a woman with the airhead simpering fools. I don't consider those qualities to be inherent in women. and certainly not in me. (aside from the fool part) I know the tendency to generalize. I do it far too often. and I fear being generalized like that. so I have no excuse to be doing that same thing to men.

I don't know why I let something so small and insignificant get to me so badly. it got to me. it's true. even when I'm all settled down now, I still feel all turmoiled and troubled. and I don't like it. I give away my own power when I let people manipulate my passion. but at the same time, my passion makes me feel powerful. I don't understand it. but I feel like it's a gift more than anything else. maybe I just don't quite know how to use it yet.

I think I let the little things get to me like this because I see this mindset, I see this assumption in people, and it may not be affecting anything significant right here and now, but it just reminds me of all the men who propound this thinking into something venomous and hurtful. men who use this thinking to justify great evils they do to women all over the world and all throughout time.

my anger is a protest against the injustice of it all.
my passion is an expression of a deep-rooted love for my sisters the world over, so powerful and undeniable that I don't know how else to stand it. I think that's the real gift I'm talking about here.

sometimes I feel so powerless to change a thing.
and ranting feels like the only thing I can do.

apologies.