hear ye

let it be known:

elder wirthlin was on his mission and he and his companion were walking back home somewhere in bavaria in the moonlit night. it was the same place where the hymn silent night was written. they were talking about the things they were going to do in their lives and what kind of men they wanted to be. and that night he decided that he wanted to marry a girl who was five feet five inches tall with blond hair and blue eyes. and guess what? he went home from his mission and met a girl who was five feet five inches tall with blond hair and blue eyes. and he married her.

it is possible.

cake!

I am having telephone difficulties with my mother. usually I call her when I'm feeling not too good, but invariably, those are the times when she can never hear or understand anything I say and I have to repeat myself 20 billion times and she doesn't get how I'm feeling. but lately, this has even been happening when I'm not upset. I've just given up and now I'm waiting for her to get here tomorrow night!! I can't wait.

on the other hand, me and claire always get each other on the phone. I called her last night while I was walking home from the library very late at night (after reading ... ahem researching... for 2 straight hours) and it was so good to talk to her. every time we talk we just laugh and laugh. I remember not that many years ago it was never like that. I'm just really glad we get along so well now. hooray for not giving up on each other!

tonight I am going to bake a cake. it will be delicious. oceane's getting the strawberries. I'm going to make a second attempt at seven-minute frosting. we'll see how that goes. david's back in our apartment. there was some momentary drama and he wasn't around for a few days and we all really missed him.

now going to stats class.

I really want to steal this jacket from the swkt lab. kim says if it's still here in a week, I can take it. yessss.

ideals

thoughts:
my french house friends are so wonderful. we are so comfortable together, always. I can come home at 1 in the morning for the first time since 10am and there they are, watching arrested development and drinking sangria, with a spot for me on the couch. and we laugh and laugh and time travel and sing spanish drinking songs and huddle under oceane's comforter.

I like michelle's craig and how he interacts with her, and he's outgoing and fun so it's not hard to get along with him, but I hate the intermediate stages of friendship. I'd like to just be tight with him right now, but I guess it takes more than one evening for that. I don't know if there's going to be anymore though, we're all so busy. the pizza we made was disgusting and it wasn't my fault but it made me really sad. and mad.

when stephan gets married, it's going to be sad because I won't be able to hang out with just him anymore. it's not the same thing, hanging out with your best friend, and hanging out with your best friend and his wife when you're single.

I hate it when people tell you that you will become attracted to someone and like them more the more you hang out with them. I guess that works sometimes, but I don't want to have to learn to like someone. it sounds like getting along with the bully or the queen bee in 1st grade or something. I don't believe in love at first sight, standing alone anyway, but I do believe in initial attraction.

is it so wrong to want an ideal? is it so impossible to find him? everyone says it's okay to have standards for a guy as long as you don't hold to them. ??? then what's the point in having them? if I'm in love with someone, I'm not going to refuse him just because he's blond or something, and I'm not going to deny an attraction to someone who isn't what I imagine my ideal to be. but doesn't anyone ever get what they want? can't I get what I want?

I want a tall, thin european with dark hair and fine fingers. I want to live in europe and raise my children in another language, another culture, another mindset. I want a thinker, a poet, with soulful eyes and a soulful pen. someone gentle and kind, but passionate and vibrant. someone who believes I am the most wonderful angel on earth, because he will be to me.

I am currently happily single because I have yet to meet anyone like this. and I don't think I should have to "learn to like" in the meantime. I can enjoy being with people just fine without wanting to marry them.

wish I could dance

just ran across this last night and then spent forever with stephanie and oceane watching other ones and falling in love with this guy's awesome legs and sense of style. and dance moves too, of course :) long legs + good jeans = supreme hotness. and a newsboy cap doesn't hurt either.


Davey Dance Blog -38- ROCKEFELLER CENTER - Mariah Carey - "All I Want for Xmas is You" from Pheasant Plucker on Vimeo.

good morning

turning the infinite hexagonal corners of the flsr,

 I hear the bus screeching, pulling away. 

I am not on the bus. again.

running across the parking lot, my bag hits my thigh 

and I slow and I stop and I stomp my foot on the concrete,

 too hard, and throw up my hands and mutter angry, venting syllables. 

all before I realize that I am not angry. 

it is not cold, but pleasant. my bag is not heavy.

 the breeze blows my fresh hair not too soft and not too hard. 

my scarf is amazing. 

my music is new and bouncy and matches my casual step. 

it is dark. my feet are light. not too cold. my heart is light.

good morning.

sartorialist favorites

oh to be young, urban & well-dressed

one day

achievement of the day

vegas!

me and celesta took a road trip to visit claire and jesse in vegas. it was so fun! definitely worth missing work.

jesse & his crazy hair

don't go back to sleep

had two dreams this weekend, but I didn't have my notepad, so I only remember a bit of the first one.

many chairs on a ledge above a large gymnasium/hall. in front of the ledge is a row of mahogany wood or leather chairs with legs from the floor to the ledge, maybe 20 feet high. people in the chairs on the ledge. I'm pretty sure we're watching something but I don't know what it is. me and this guy from work named mckay are sitting in the crazy tall chairs next to each other. I need comforting for some reason, and I cuddle next to him, under his arm, and feel safe and calm.

there's a bar across the front of the chair so you don't fall out. I guess it's supposed to be safe, but it's really scary up there. we're trying to get out of our chairs, but it's really hard with the bar there. I'm pretty much hanging off the edge of it, but mckay pulls me up, and everything's good.

I'm not sure why I have so many dreams about boys saving me. I'm a pretty independent, feisty girl. whoever I end up with is going to have to understand the duality/paradox of my nature. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

I was thinking back to my kissing dreams. first, I had a kissing dream where some guy kissed me with tongue and I slapped him. but at least we kissed. the next two kissing dreams, I wanted to kiss the guy, but I suddenly ended up with food in my mouth. I think I'm just never going to eat food on dates ever. at least I want to be kissed now. oh yeah, I guess I did kiss that one guy later in the dream in that crazy castle narnia one. cool. that was a pretty sweet dream.

The breeze at dawn has things to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want. 

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth

across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Don't let your throat tighten

with fear. Take sips of breath

all day and night, before death

closes your mouth.

The morning wind spreads its fresh smell

We must get up and take that in,

the wind that lets us live.

Breathe before it's gone.

Dance, when you're broken open.

Dance, when you've torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting.

Dance in your blood.

Dance, when you're perfectly free.

(some Indian guy hundreds of years ago)

is this real? or has this been happening inside my head?

of course it's happening inside your head, harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

weekend

wow, it's been awhile. I sat down to write like two times, but my media devices were not working, so I couldn't upload what I wanted to. so I'll try to get that to happen later, but I'll just write for now.

weekend! was eventful. friday night I babysat maxwell while c p & v went to the homecoming spectacular. we had so much fun! we did finger paints, watercolors (I am very proud of mine, it is now on my fridge), and shaving cream, which he had never done before. man that stuff smells so good - almost as good as cologne. i took the most hilarious videos which will be posted when the internet decides to work.

saturday I had a customer service workshop in the morning, mediocre. then I worked out and showered and went to work. it was freezing!! why utah, why?? after work I chilled at home, maybe did some cleaning, I can't remember, and got ready for my date with greg. I got ready. and I looked good.

we went to eat at guru's, an awesome place in downtown provo with cultural and artistic decor inspirations and a wide selection of delicious and relatively cheap food. I got fettucine pasta with a cream sauce and beans, carrots, zucchini, squash, and artichoke hearts (which were completely marinated in the most delicious lemon sauce). it was amazing. the veggies were obviously fresh. I don't remember much what we talked about, except what kind of food we like (he likes indian, I don't know what I like) and he asked me where I would go if I had the money and time to visit any 5 cities in the world. (cause obviously we had plenty to talk about) I said paris/bordeaux, reykjavik, buenos aires, somewhere in india, and dakar (with marrakesh runner-up). 

then we went to see the legend of the black scorpion at international cinema. it was incredible! the plot is kind of hamlet except more nuanced and complicated. I absolutely love the fusion of art and skill in asian culture, the incorporation of spirituality and beauty into all aspects of life. the end scene where pretty much everyone dies was so sad and violent, but the movie ended and I wasn't thinking, this is so sad and violent, but this is so beautiful.

sunday night darin hosted a poetry night with hot chocolate. I read two of mine that I've posted on here and also some of my favorites: the chaucer I love and sylvia plath's nick and the candlestick. it was a little scary to put myself out there to relative strangers like that (I read my depressing lyrics) but I feel good about it. it was received with relative quiet, some of it probably inspired by the reception of raw emotions, the rest in admiration for the poem. and the only reason I'm saying that is cause people told me later they were impressed.

stephan came. it's funny how awkward he can be in social settings, yet so natural when we talk. we talked for like 45 minutes after, out by his car in the cold, about a ton of stuff we never talked about from our past. it was good to get it all taken care of. and now we finally do have the friendship that I thought we'd always had all along. at least it's resolved, so I don't really need to get wrapped up in all the time that it wasn't. man, we've been best friends for most of 5 years. that's ridiculous.

end of the weekend.

I am poor and I don't like it.

this is the jacket I spent too much on, but it's freaking awesome. I guess it's really just a picture of me. deal with it. I think it's a pretty good picture, even though my hair is kind of weird here.

peppermint wind

I cry every time I listen to this song. without fail. why do I listen then? I don't know. but it makes me feel things fragile, painful, and beautiful.

Damien Rice - Elephant from gisele requena on Vimeo.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright, 

And there the moon-bird rests from flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt grows

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

tutti i giorni della tua vita son oggi -- all the days of your life are today

ci vediamo domani

today was wednesday. I hate wednesdays. but today was a good wednesday, oddly enough.

work wasn't half bad. I didn't miss the bus for once in my life, but this time my shift supervisor was five minutes late when she's usually like fifteen minutes early. turned out she woke up SEVEN minutes before she got to work. how is that humanly possible??? I do not know. I cannot do it. 

stats also was not half bad. I actually really like class, my teacher is quite excellent and young and interesting. she's from the east and she's a vegetarian and single. ah! breath of fresh non-utah air. I went to my new stats lab for the first time, with drew as the ta instead of mark, the guy I cannot stand and it was amazing!!! I understood things so much better, we got so much more of the homework explained and worked on, drew is awesome (man he's so cute! and married :/) and even the people in my class are smart and cool. there were so many weirdo stressed out freaks in my last lab. they just freaked out about everything. seriously, once I even had to raise my voice and just tell everyone to chill out. it was crazy. and they all gave me dirty looks. guess what? I DON'T CARE that you're freaking out about statistics cause you know what? I definitely know how to freak out about math and it never helped anything! your cheetah print sundress version of dressing up is hurting my eyes and never before have I met people who actually look like there's crap under their nose all the time, let alone two of you in one class! I am so glad to be out of there.

my bladder is about to explode. I'm going to go pee. and then eat angel food cake. yum.

ci vediamo domani -- see you tomorrow

mi chiamo

it's so bizarre how much I love mondays. even though I have to get up at 5.30, I'm always pretty rested from a weekend of sleep and I like where I work and who I work with on monday mornings. I only have two classes, and since I switched to wednesday stats lab and consequently rid myself of one of the most obnoxious people I've ever met in my life (my lab TA), mondays are pretty wonderful. I exercise after my 1 o'clock class, take a shower, and snag the bus home by 4. there's time for naps, time for lunch, time for reading, time to exercise -- since my life is so robbed of free hours because of work, exercise is luxury time. it feels so good. 

now I am home, full of jamba, sitting in someone's circle chair (it appeared in my kitchen, I don't know how it got there. it must be carlos's or david's) by the window and reading omnivore's dilemma and enjoying the ambient color play of dying sunlight and flower shadows. I saw the most brilliant blue bird fly by. it got cold-ish this weekend, I'm wearing a sweater now, but I'm sure I'll be accustomed to and loving it by the end of the week. once it's cold enough to merit a scarf but not a coat, I will be happy.

last night was so fun -- david is so hilarious. he's in italian 101 and he was helping me with pronunciation while I flipped through his book. now I want to learn italian. it would probably be easier than german for me, and certainly easier than welsh or swedish, but I think german may be more useful, because more places speak it and I could probably learn other romance languages later on my own, but I may need more help with german. I don't know. it's all so awesome. also, if I'm going to take another language, I have to decide if I'm graduating in 3 years or 4, cause if I start taking things I don't need, it's going to be 4. this is hard.

Mi chiamo Christina Hilton. Ho diciannove anni. Mi piaccio mangiare. 

(My name is Christina Hilton. I am nineteen years old. I like to eat.)

i (verb)

usually I don't like these things, but I'm kind of in the mood today.

i am.... fascinated by the world.
i think... that people can be wonderful and awful and sometimes if I think about it too much it scares me.
i know... that I think I know more than I really do.
i want... to travel a lot and right now and learn more languages.
i have... perfection issues.
i dislike... cocky and ignorant people.
i miss... the carefree spontaneity of my childhood.
i fear... pain, childbirth, and stifled dreams.
i feel... divided.
i hear.... mouse clicks, key strokes, and the printer motors humming.
i smell... paper freshness.
i crave.... change, adventure, and contentedness. and ice cream.
i cry... more often then I used to.
i usually... procrastinate ridiculously.
i search... for stability and more answers than I need.
i wonder.... what my husband will be like and what language we will speak together.
i regret... over-reacting.
i love... music and truth. and the people that I find them in.
i worry... about the future.
i am not... afraid of death. just a painful death.
i remember... nightmares and dreams and the realities they came from.
i believe... in love and peace.
i dance... enthusiastically, sometimes hesitantly.
i don't... have time to do yoga.
i write... instinctively. from an unexplainable depth.
i win... battles of wit.
i lose... at most sports.
i wish... my parents had had more time to pay attention to me.
i listen... to my father.
i don't understand... apathy.
i can usually be found... reading a book.
i am scared... that I will never find love.
i need to lose... my sense of superiority over people I do not understand.
i forget... important things.
i am happy... to be alive.

whew

I babysat my niece and nephew tonight and it was so fun! I've had some mediocre and unpleasant experiences before, but I think we've reached good ages for this. we played hide and go seek and tag, sang songs, read books, made (heated) pizza, watched Cinderella (oh my goodness it's been so long, but I liked it). good times. I was singing a regina spektor song and victoria asked me if that's really how it goes, cause it's pretty funny, so I got my iPod to play it for her and she pretty much refused to put the headphone in her ear and listen. like she was refusing to watch a pg-13 movie or something. I insisted a couple times and finally she listened and got a kick out of it. but I really don't get that resistance.

whew. the week is finally over. it was like a prelude to a future hell week, cause you know there's always a couple of those in a semester. papers, presentations, tests, homework. work. I'm having a hard time with work. I like it, but I have a lot of trouble not picking up as many hours as I can, more than I should with my schedule. it's just so hard not to when you could be making money you desperately need. I am acutely missing the hours that are now taken up by work. it seems like I never have the time to get done what needs to be done and have a relative social life.

I detest sarah palin. she is willingly and intentionally making herself a target for the derision of the world and that derision is unavoidably projected on perpetuating the age-old stereotypes against women. don't stand there with your head down choking back tears. get into it. don't simper and smile. it's not cute. it's embarrassing. if you want to convince me that you're capable of any aspect of the role you're presuming to step into, then open your mouth and say something that's worth listening to. but that's not what you're trying to do, sarah. you've embraced the pathetic expectations, playing the role of sweet, innocent, and weak. that is not what my country needs. it needs passion and power. if you're not even going to try and step up to the plate, do us and yourself a favor and go home.

I'm feeling a little hopeless. helpless and hopeless are not the same thing. not even remotely.

a boy would be nice to have right now.