I think fire alarms have issues with me. I have had nothing but trouble with them.
on our trip down south, the first hotel we were in, (in vienne, with the awesome british guy patron and the most excellent breakfast and the room where I sat on the window ledge with my feet on the roof and listened to my ipod), the fire alarm went off around midnight. it was weird, I almost didn't even recognize it as a fire alarm. it was ... not a fire.
then, the last hotel we were in, (in sarlat, the penthouse room with the painful carpet but the most wonderful ambiance and the old-fashioned key), it went off again. we were on the top floor and there are only two rooms up there and it was so sweltering hot that we (me allison and amy) were just chilling with our door open and some guy comes up the stairs and apparently he accidentally hit the fire alarm while looking for the light switch.
then, in my, I don't know what to call it ... house? apartment? room? well, residence jolimont, there was a fire in the trashcans and then a couple more times the fire alarm went off, I think it's hyper-sensitive now or something, or maybe people just need to stop smoking inside. then the other day, the alarm went off 3 or 4 times at night, around midnight, and went off 6 times throughout the night and early morning. all false alarms. I stopped getting up. they'd better fix it.
I don't know if I will ever take a fire alarm seriously again. this is worse than school fire drills.
6.30.2009
tittles
yesterday, while eating lunch in the park
(with some bum sitting on the bench next to me
and everyone else lighting up. I'm trying to eat here, people)
sometimes, people are difficult to talk to. they don't say much or respond much and I'm casting around for things to say and it sounds like so much meaningless air coming out of me. but still, whenever I've just plowed through an hour of me talking and them looking bored, they always seem surprised and a little disappointed when I say I have to go and want to know when I'm coming back. I guess it makes a difference, just being there. it's hard to know when to leave, though.
isn't it funny how you never know what random things about you are secretly grossing people out? and since whatever grosses someone out is sure to differ with every person, you never know. cause people are grossing me out all the time. maybe I'm the odd one out here ...
I don't want to spend the money, but I really need to get a cell phone. it's not very safe to not have one.
I want to visit mathias & drew in marseille, because it looks so bright and ethnic and full of character. and kryn was there. I want to see where kryn was.
it's kind of a blessing that every store I go into, nothing fits me right. the soldes are going on and I could be spending up a storm.
I think I'm compelled to write down all these little thoughts because I have no one to say them to and I need to communicate somehow, even if it's just this.
I think I always smell like cigarette smoke. I'm really tired of all the smoking.
there's a triangle of the back of my neck that's about 10 shades darker than all the rest of my body. because it's never seen the sun before, I suppose.
things about France:
- doors open and close the opposite direction
- crutches look like old people & cripple crutches instead of our under the arm kind
- there's dog poop everywhere. it's disgusting.
- leisurely bikers in the city
- trashcans are just bags, no cans
- birkenstocks are back, as are loose-fitting, long, bohemian clothes
- nastified creepy leerers are everywhere
- babies in strollers everywhere, as well as mothers & fathers w/ their kids
- also banks & ATMs everywhere
- women are always well-dressed, but neglect their hair
- the walk/don't walk of pedestrian crossings doesn't flash in warning. it just switches.
(with some bum sitting on the bench next to me
and everyone else lighting up. I'm trying to eat here, people)
sometimes, people are difficult to talk to. they don't say much or respond much and I'm casting around for things to say and it sounds like so much meaningless air coming out of me. but still, whenever I've just plowed through an hour of me talking and them looking bored, they always seem surprised and a little disappointed when I say I have to go and want to know when I'm coming back. I guess it makes a difference, just being there. it's hard to know when to leave, though.
isn't it funny how you never know what random things about you are secretly grossing people out? and since whatever grosses someone out is sure to differ with every person, you never know. cause people are grossing me out all the time. maybe I'm the odd one out here ...
I don't want to spend the money, but I really need to get a cell phone. it's not very safe to not have one.
I want to visit mathias & drew in marseille, because it looks so bright and ethnic and full of character. and kryn was there. I want to see where kryn was.
it's kind of a blessing that every store I go into, nothing fits me right. the soldes are going on and I could be spending up a storm.
I think I'm compelled to write down all these little thoughts because I have no one to say them to and I need to communicate somehow, even if it's just this.
I think I always smell like cigarette smoke. I'm really tired of all the smoking.
there's a triangle of the back of my neck that's about 10 shades darker than all the rest of my body. because it's never seen the sun before, I suppose.
things about France:
- doors open and close the opposite direction
- crutches look like old people & cripple crutches instead of our under the arm kind
- there's dog poop everywhere. it's disgusting.
- leisurely bikers in the city
- trashcans are just bags, no cans
- birkenstocks are back, as are loose-fitting, long, bohemian clothes
- nastified creepy leerers are everywhere
- babies in strollers everywhere, as well as mothers & fathers w/ their kids
- also banks & ATMs everywhere
- women are always well-dressed, but neglect their hair
- the walk/don't walk of pedestrian crossings doesn't flash in warning. it just switches.
jots
I find myself jotting down random things,
a running conversation with myself, if you will.
it makes me feel a little less silly if I share it with you,
so here is last sunday (the 21st)
it's kind of cold.
storm coming?
I can't understand the bus driver.
he speaks quickly & with a strange accent,
even though he's white & regular looking
... I don't know what he's saying.
I am a half hour early for church.
Note to Self: it does not take an hour to get here.
more like ten minutes, depending on when the bus leaves.
if I weren't wearing heels, I'd just walk it,
it's not that far from my house ...
it's a really nice church building -- I'm impressed.
I don't know why I'm suddenly afraid to speak French ...
now would be a good time to pray not to be shy & awkward
& not to be afraid. it's so much easier in a group.
sometimes I wonder how in the world
I'd ever be brave enough to be a missionary.
but sometimes I can be so brave. I don't get it.
It's about 20 til. I'm going to go in now.
gone are the days when I could count
the number of times I'd done the bise.
that's all we do at church is give the bise.
I like how natural it looks when it's done right.
I'm starving.
I think pretty much every woman in this ward has served a mission.
a running conversation with myself, if you will.
it makes me feel a little less silly if I share it with you,
so here is last sunday (the 21st)
it's kind of cold.
storm coming?
I can't understand the bus driver.
he speaks quickly & with a strange accent,
even though he's white & regular looking
... I don't know what he's saying.
I am a half hour early for church.
Note to Self: it does not take an hour to get here.
more like ten minutes, depending on when the bus leaves.
if I weren't wearing heels, I'd just walk it,
it's not that far from my house ...
it's a really nice church building -- I'm impressed.
I don't know why I'm suddenly afraid to speak French ...
now would be a good time to pray not to be shy & awkward
& not to be afraid. it's so much easier in a group.
sometimes I wonder how in the world
I'd ever be brave enough to be a missionary.
but sometimes I can be so brave. I don't get it.
It's about 20 til. I'm going to go in now.
gone are the days when I could count
the number of times I'd done the bise.
that's all we do at church is give the bise.
I like how natural it looks when it's done right.
I'm starving.
I think pretty much every woman in this ward has served a mission.
6.29.2009
it's not fall yet ...
Chanson d'Automne
by Paul Verlaine
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'automne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.
Tout suffoquant
Et bleme quand
Sonne l'heure
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure;
Et je m'en vais
Au vent mauvais
Qui m'emporte
De ça, de là,
Pareil à la
Feuille morte.
by Paul Verlaine
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'automne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.
Tout suffoquant
Et bleme quand
Sonne l'heure
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure;
Et je m'en vais
Au vent mauvais
Qui m'emporte
De ça, de là,
Pareil à la
Feuille morte.
words
some quotes from what I've been reading lately, Dubliners by Joyce and The Secret Scripture by Sebastian Berry.
"Her name sprang to my lips at moments in strange prayers and praises which I myself did not understand. My eyes were often full of tears (I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemed to pour itself out into my bosom ... My body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires." (Araby)
"He was merely floating there in the room, insusbstantial, a living man in the midst of life, dying imperceptibly on his feet, like all of us."
"I felt I was in a condition of waiting, waiting for something unknown to replace the grace of being young. Of course I was young, very young, but as I remember it, no one is ever quite so old as a fifteen-year-old girl."
and here's the vocab I got from the two books. I haven't looked them up yet, though. I get them all in context, but I couldn't tell you what they mean. how many do you know?
truculent
sedulously
paltry
impinge
raillery
slatternly
timorous
venal
propinquity
titular
soutane
salubrious
sinecure
revenant
sere
inveigled
valency
concomitant
"Her name sprang to my lips at moments in strange prayers and praises which I myself did not understand. My eyes were often full of tears (I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemed to pour itself out into my bosom ... My body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires." (Araby)
"He was merely floating there in the room, insusbstantial, a living man in the midst of life, dying imperceptibly on his feet, like all of us."
"I felt I was in a condition of waiting, waiting for something unknown to replace the grace of being young. Of course I was young, very young, but as I remember it, no one is ever quite so old as a fifteen-year-old girl."
and here's the vocab I got from the two books. I haven't looked them up yet, though. I get them all in context, but I couldn't tell you what they mean. how many do you know?
truculent
sedulously
paltry
impinge
raillery
slatternly
timorous
venal
propinquity
titular
soutane
salubrious
sinecure
revenant
sere
inveigled
valency
concomitant
6.22.2009
a snippet
I'm finding it hard to wake up these days
when the world I awake to is
a sea of faces
that I don't want to have to sift through
to find you.
morning thoughts
is this all that's left of me
when I die?
pages of thoughts
wishes and dreams
and not many actions
sparkling warm eyes with long lashes,
dancing fingers
and sweet-strained song
and bursting laughter -
they don't last long
underground
boxes of stuff that
I never used all that much
and are probably heavier
than the box that holds me
let's make a pyre instead
a snow-white, blue-lined bed
lay me on it and light her up
let's watch that beauty burn
when I die?
pages of thoughts
wishes and dreams
and not many actions
sparkling warm eyes with long lashes,
dancing fingers
and sweet-strained song
and bursting laughter -
they don't last long
underground
boxes of stuff that
I never used all that much
and are probably heavier
than the box that holds me
let's make a pyre instead
a snow-white, blue-lined bed
lay me on it and light her up
let's watch that beauty burn
you're it
sometimes I wonder if I fell in love with your shadow,
that bashful sweetheart that refuses to see
how I could be so in love,
while the real you is running away from
me -- the borderline creeper
who's crossed too many lines to stand a chance.
I'm no good at this guessing game --
I spill all my secret codes in
sheets, stacks of sheets
that I push off the stairwell into rush hour crowds
to be trampled.
I'd rather meet their soles
then face the faceless crowd
-- bereft,
I give myself freely
I have nothing left but this extension of my
overarticulate heart.
do I hide behind words like you hide behind silence?
maybe, but I'm seeking to be sought.
can't you see me half-hidden behind this too-thin tree?
stop counting. I'm right here.
that bashful sweetheart that refuses to see
how I could be so in love,
while the real you is running away from
me -- the borderline creeper
who's crossed too many lines to stand a chance.
I'm no good at this guessing game --
I spill all my secret codes in
sheets, stacks of sheets
that I push off the stairwell into rush hour crowds
to be trampled.
I'd rather meet their soles
then face the faceless crowd
-- bereft,
I give myself freely
I have nothing left but this extension of my
overarticulate heart.
do I hide behind words like you hide behind silence?
maybe, but I'm seeking to be sought.
can't you see me half-hidden behind this too-thin tree?
stop counting. I'm right here.
and france part 2 begins
well, study abroad is over and I'm in toulouse for my service internship.
I've just realized that I've never really been alone before.
which is weird, cause I've always sought alone time.
but with family, then roommates, then flsr, then study abroad ...
I've never been alone.
I'm really lonely.
lonely and a little bit heart-broken.
the people with the internship are all very kind and welcoming
but I'm the only intern so far and I live in a single private room, no apartment.
I start to visit people for the first time today
and maybe I won't be the only one being helped by conversation.
it's so stressful, though.
I speak french very well, but I still miss things left and right.
and when I stop understanding, I go into freeze mode and don't know what to do.
I don't understand how I can be so brave sometimes
and others, so scared.
I still don't have my power cord, but that should be taken care of soon
at which point I will have access to pictures.
strange how a machine can become an extension of yourself that you miss
because so much of your things are inside of it.
I called my dad for father's day
but my phone card was almost gone
so I only got to talk for a little bit.
I love him so much.
I've just realized that I've never really been alone before.
which is weird, cause I've always sought alone time.
but with family, then roommates, then flsr, then study abroad ...
I've never been alone.
I'm really lonely.
lonely and a little bit heart-broken.
the people with the internship are all very kind and welcoming
but I'm the only intern so far and I live in a single private room, no apartment.
I start to visit people for the first time today
and maybe I won't be the only one being helped by conversation.
it's so stressful, though.
I speak french very well, but I still miss things left and right.
and when I stop understanding, I go into freeze mode and don't know what to do.
I don't understand how I can be so brave sometimes
and others, so scared.
I still don't have my power cord, but that should be taken care of soon
at which point I will have access to pictures.
strange how a machine can become an extension of yourself that you miss
because so much of your things are inside of it.
I called my dad for father's day
but my phone card was almost gone
so I only got to talk for a little bit.
I love him so much.
6.16.2009
things:
I love my hair
I love southern france
way more than paris
WAY more
have gone hiking
and canoeing
and ice-cream eating
and hotel hopping
and bus riding
and it's been incredible.
the bus driver I mean chauffeur du car
is pretty much the coolest man
I have ever met.
his name is albert.
he's so french. and awesome.
and dryly humorous.
oh and by the way ...
I love speaking french.
did I ever mention that?
I have been dubbed
"queen of words"
also an "intellectual presence"
what is with these people??
but hey, no complaints.
I love southern france
way more than paris
WAY more
have gone hiking
and canoeing
and ice-cream eating
and hotel hopping
and bus riding
and it's been incredible.
the bus driver I mean chauffeur du car
is pretty much the coolest man
I have ever met.
his name is albert.
he's so french. and awesome.
and dryly humorous.
oh and by the way ...
I love speaking french.
did I ever mention that?
I have been dubbed
"queen of words"
also an "intellectual presence"
what is with these people??
but hey, no complaints.
6.07.2009
playing catchup
so paris is coming to a close. it's hard to believe. the monster suitcase is packed and stored at hurlbut's apartment and we leave for the south bright and early on tuesday morning. I think it's going to be wonderful, but at the same time ... the charter bus with all of us on it (within range of kristin's voice) for 10 days ... I will pray for patience. tomorrow is our final exam and then pretty much a day of small but essential errands. I will be computerless the whole time, but I should have my new powercord when I get back, so I'll post more regularly.
I've wanted to get a pixie for a long time and I had decided to do it while I was in france. I've held off til now, but it seemed now was the time to do it before I went to the hellish heat of toulouse for the summer and to do it between the two programs to make an easy transition. so I did it yesterday afternoon. I was a little bit scared, but not too much, because I'd already made up my mind that I wanted to do it, so I already knew I had enough courage. and it turned out awesome!! I love it. it feels wonderful, I think it looks great, and it's really fun. I just went to this random haircuttery chain called "tchip", which could have turned out pretty badly, but I happen to have good hair luck and it all went great. I realized that I have never had a haircut I didn't like, which is pretty lucky.
oh sad day, mme dard's cat fell out of the kitchen window and died a few days ago. we didn't know about it til the morning after when mme called me into the kitchen and I went in and she was crying and said "mon petit chat est mort". it was so sad. I feel bad for hating it so much, but at the same time, I always kind of liked it personally, I just don't like cats in general. things have been going quite well with mme the last couple of weeks since we haven't been gone every weekend. things are good when we're all around and able to communicate more. I will be keeping in contact with her when I leave.
I've been sick yesterday and today with this weird fever achiness and headache. I just feel like my body is not working. missed the first half of church cause I couldn't get up and consequently missed the excitement of the obamas and their police escort visiting the centre pompidou across the street from the church building.
in the past two days, I have eaten fresh radishes, zucchini, cucumber, bell pepper, apricots, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, endives, tomatoes, carrots, and avocados. I love this country and their outdoor markets and fresh diversified meals. the market is incredible. so are the baguettes.
I went to see the bald soprano at the theatre de la huchette where it's been running without stopping ever since it's opening there. it was -- AWESOME. I love that play.
I've wanted to get a pixie for a long time and I had decided to do it while I was in france. I've held off til now, but it seemed now was the time to do it before I went to the hellish heat of toulouse for the summer and to do it between the two programs to make an easy transition. so I did it yesterday afternoon. I was a little bit scared, but not too much, because I'd already made up my mind that I wanted to do it, so I already knew I had enough courage. and it turned out awesome!! I love it. it feels wonderful, I think it looks great, and it's really fun. I just went to this random haircuttery chain called "tchip", which could have turned out pretty badly, but I happen to have good hair luck and it all went great. I realized that I have never had a haircut I didn't like, which is pretty lucky.
oh sad day, mme dard's cat fell out of the kitchen window and died a few days ago. we didn't know about it til the morning after when mme called me into the kitchen and I went in and she was crying and said "mon petit chat est mort". it was so sad. I feel bad for hating it so much, but at the same time, I always kind of liked it personally, I just don't like cats in general. things have been going quite well with mme the last couple of weeks since we haven't been gone every weekend. things are good when we're all around and able to communicate more. I will be keeping in contact with her when I leave.
I've been sick yesterday and today with this weird fever achiness and headache. I just feel like my body is not working. missed the first half of church cause I couldn't get up and consequently missed the excitement of the obamas and their police escort visiting the centre pompidou across the street from the church building.
in the past two days, I have eaten fresh radishes, zucchini, cucumber, bell pepper, apricots, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, endives, tomatoes, carrots, and avocados. I love this country and their outdoor markets and fresh diversified meals. the market is incredible. so are the baguettes.
I went to see the bald soprano at the theatre de la huchette where it's been running without stopping ever since it's opening there. it was -- AWESOME. I love that play.
6.02.2009
(17/5/09)
I fell for you so fast
but I think you're going to need time
if only because you're not one to
spill yourself everywhere
like I do
a stream of articulation
a compulsion to be understood
or go insane
which is maybe only one level off
from the amount of passion I exude
for everything.
that's me -- your roman candle spider in the sky.
I always thought I wanted one, too
but it turns out
I'd much rather have you
to watch the explosion and
gather my sparks up with your eyes
and turn me back into a warmish glow
that escapes
from between the cracks in your fingers
to light the sky
when you try to take a peek.
does that make me the moth or the flame?
can't we both be moths?
and dance in the moonlight sifting down
and tap our wings on each others' windows
in a code of secrets and
soft-whisper truths
through moonbeam motes
that drift into your dreams
and settle
like pixie dust
into the corners of your eyes
and next thing you know --
we can fly.
normandy reworded
maybe if I open my eyes wider
I can absorb enough for me to keep and you to share.
I melt into the rhythm of the road,
enough kilometers ahead
for me to take off my shoes & curl up in the seat.
I regret the photographs zipping by,
the frames caught in my mind,
but lost to the film.
I'm storing them up for you.
at the top of the rise, I am met with seawinds
and daisy-dusted craters,
lasting imprints of an already
half-forgotten hell.
I try to picture you in a helmet but
I can hardly see your face.
the thought is still heart-wrenching.
the gentle caress of shadowplay on the sand
beckons me down from the wall
and I come, running,
with shoes in hand and pants rolled past my knees.
the wind snatches at my hair
and the tide catches my ankles and
the only thing missing is you.
the memory, the moment,
they become for me a time-warped future
taking place half then and half now
I embrace it all, palms open,
in case of half never.
I rely on a curious mixture of high hopes
and stark realities,
but I make no distinctions.
I don't presume to discern time or truth.
I can absorb enough for me to keep and you to share.
I melt into the rhythm of the road,
enough kilometers ahead
for me to take off my shoes & curl up in the seat.
I regret the photographs zipping by,
the frames caught in my mind,
but lost to the film.
I'm storing them up for you.
at the top of the rise, I am met with seawinds
and daisy-dusted craters,
lasting imprints of an already
half-forgotten hell.
I try to picture you in a helmet but
I can hardly see your face.
the thought is still heart-wrenching.
the gentle caress of shadowplay on the sand
beckons me down from the wall
and I come, running,
with shoes in hand and pants rolled past my knees.
the wind snatches at my hair
and the tide catches my ankles and
the only thing missing is you.
the memory, the moment,
they become for me a time-warped future
taking place half then and half now
I embrace it all, palms open,
in case of half never.
I rely on a curious mixture of high hopes
and stark realities,
but I make no distinctions.
I don't presume to discern time or truth.
normandy
I'm back from normandy. back on the internet. still computer-less (or computer cord-less) so posting is still scanty. my apologies. normandy was wonderful. here was the schedule of events:
giverny (monet's house and gardens)
rouen (death place of joan of arc)
bayeux (famous tapestry)
normandy beaches
arromanches (d-day museum)
random fields (german bunkers not bombed out)
pointe du hoc (german bunkers severely bombed out)
american cemetary
saint malo
mont st. michel
pretty much every place had it's incredible parts, which makes choosing my favorite spot of the weekend a hard thing to do. I had an awesome and solemn experience with the d-day stuff and the cemetary, a powerful and emotional time. my favorite of that day was wandering the windswept fields were the bunkers were at the top of the cliffs overlooking the ocean. mont st. michel was sadly disappointing. very interesting, but much more touristy than I anticipated. maybe it was over-anticipated in my head for too many years.
I think if I had to choose, old city saint malo would have to be my favorite. we just had an hour there and me, allison and richelle walked the ramparts and enjoyed the view of the empty beach and the atlantic ocean. then me and allison ran down and waded. the water, the wind, the smells and sounds, carrying my shoes and rolling up my pants and burrowing my toes into the sand. I just melted into the moment. and it was heavenly.
giverny (monet's house and gardens)
rouen (death place of joan of arc)
bayeux (famous tapestry)
normandy beaches
arromanches (d-day museum)
random fields (german bunkers not bombed out)
pointe du hoc (german bunkers severely bombed out)
american cemetary
saint malo
mont st. michel
pretty much every place had it's incredible parts, which makes choosing my favorite spot of the weekend a hard thing to do. I had an awesome and solemn experience with the d-day stuff and the cemetary, a powerful and emotional time. my favorite of that day was wandering the windswept fields were the bunkers were at the top of the cliffs overlooking the ocean. mont st. michel was sadly disappointing. very interesting, but much more touristy than I anticipated. maybe it was over-anticipated in my head for too many years.
I think if I had to choose, old city saint malo would have to be my favorite. we just had an hour there and me, allison and richelle walked the ramparts and enjoyed the view of the empty beach and the atlantic ocean. then me and allison ran down and waded. the water, the wind, the smells and sounds, carrying my shoes and rolling up my pants and burrowing my toes into the sand. I just melted into the moment. and it was heavenly.
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