first dreams in paris

last night
I dreamed that my legs,
which were sun-exposed
in sue's shorts during our shopping excursion,
were completely covered in freckles.
completely covered.

also, there may have been something
about receiving an email
which I have not yet really received.

pretending

I like to pretend that I'm an expert on things
that I really know nothing about
I like to pretend that the fat I don't like
makes me look like a classical painting
I like to pretend that I know how to save
when in truth I spend money like water

I used to pretend all sorts of things
like mamas and dollies
and peter pan
and olympics
and pirates (on the playground)
and robin hood (in the woods)
and pirates again (when I cut off my hair)
I'd pretend to make soup out of tea bags and berries
and kept it in the refrigerator I made out of moss
I'd pretend to be Sacajawea and save
my little brother (white man) from everything
I'd pretend to be in love
with Han Solo
with Aragorn
with Mr. Darcy
with someone I ran into
on the sidewalk
in a bookstore
at an anti-war demonstration

I like to pretend
that I don't need anyone
I like to pretend
that I'm not afraid that I might never meet you
or that you'll pass right by when I do
I like to pretend
I am beautiful
and not just because my smile is sweet
and my laugh more contagious
than most
I like to pretend
that I don't want you to take care of me
even though I pretend you next to me
here beside me
all day every day
I pretend that you want me
you love me
and need me
and pretend that I don't need you

sometimes I don't remember
which reality I'm really living in
sometimes it's easier that way

me voici - a paris

oh my goodness, it's been awhile.

I went to richmond. it was great - the shopping with sue, zack's roasted chicken deliciousness, and the ridiculous eighties movie I slept through, all great.

I went to stephan's wedding. it was nothing at all what my wedding reception will be like, but that is okay. I was glad to see stephan and lynette and sister graff.

I went into d.c. with amanda and we went to some b-day party at the science club where I met some fun people and had a good time. then we went to ben's chili bowl cause I'd never been and I'd have to say the hype is probably due to the fact that there's already a hype. you must go for the experience, but only so you can say you've done it. it wasn't all it's said to be.

I repacked all of my stuff and managed to fit it into one suitcase. I was worried about navigating the airport, underground, train station and metro that I would have to navigate with 2 bags. good thing, too. because after doing it with one, I'd have to say doing it with two would have been absolutely impossible.

after 24 straight hours of travelling through the aforementioned places, past forbidding immigrations officers, through english and french countryside, and through the streets of paris, with my trusty, humongous and excessive suitcase, I made it to the hotel. where we left immediately to go trekking around hotel de ville and eat dinner. I felt disgusting. but I was very proud of my 4 months of stuff in one suitcase compared to others' 2 months of stuff in three. and I was very proud that I had no problem whatsoever navigating through everything, all on my own (despite many delays and unexpected events) when there were others who couldn't figure out how to get home on the metro.

I have to admit though, when I finally sat down in my seat on the eurostar train (my second train because I missed the first because of underground and airplane delays), I kind of just felt like crying a little bit. after all that dependability and stress and manoeuvering, I just wanted someone else to take care of it. to take care of me. what is it with the need to cry and the need to be cared for of late? this is so not me. maybe it is and I'm just beginning to allow myself to recognize it. I think it's a good skill to be able to keep it together as long as you need to and then be able to let it out when you're done. or at least recognize the fact that there's something to be let out. progress!

I am in paris. it is incredible. I love it already. though I'd have to say, all you have to do to realize that a place is just a place like any other is to ride the metro. just because it's such a down-to-earth, mundane activity. on the metro, everything just exists. in paris, it just happens to exist awesomely. and in high fashion.

pictures forthcoming

berries for breakfast

even though my mental and emotional tension is completely off the charts these days, I woke up feeling incredibly fresh and clear-headed, calm.

today I canceled my previous plane ticket, bought a new one going into london (only $526!! that's like flying to salt lake!!!) and my train ticket to paris, changed itinerary info online and emailed the necessary people, cleaned up my inbox, went to the dentist (bleeegh), made peanut butter bars, ate peanut butter bars, etc. after dinner I took a bath and read my old journal and just soaked for an hour (+) and then got out and felt so wonderfully fresh. then I went to bloom and bought bread and brie and french cookies, brought them home and ate some and saved the rest for the drive to richmond tomorrow. talked to my sister. she wants to name her dog chups.

and that's it. it was a good day. relaxing and productive at once.

I've been eating berries and cream for breakfast every morning and it is oh so decadent. the raspberries especially.

I'm off to richmond tomorrow. wish me safe driving and no getting lost and much fun with sue. it's been so sadly long since I've seen her. I can't wait! and then home for stephan's wedding and a night in the city with amanda.

later, loves

bizarre much?

last night,
I dreamed that
I agreed to have sex with the king
three times
in order to save my people
from destruction.

hopefully it never comes to that.

round. up.

earth mother

dear planet

I would like to apologize
even though I can't fix things all by myself
and I would like to say thank you
for continuing to amaze and stupefy me
and unfold yourself in magnificent beauty
regardless of your pain

thank you

i'm back

things of note:
washington national airport is the best,
as is flying into washington d.c.
my dog is still adorable.
virginia is still breath-takingly beautiful,
especially the blooming trees
and the way the shades of green stand out in the rain.
gregory is growing out his hair and it's kinda funny,
but at least it makes him look a little older.
I miss having friends the next room over, or just across the way.

my new descriptor is maudlin.
I am (effusively emotional).
as usual, I feel slightly ridiculous.
okay, not slightly, very.
but that doesn't change the fact that I am, these days,
incredibly emotional and prone to write it, too.

I'm going to go to bed now
so I won't think anymore.
and maybe something will happen tomorrow.

gnite all

(hello virginia. i love you. it's good to be back.)

details

sometimes I just watched
a little entranced with
the casual way you spread in your chair
and the smile lines around your mouth
so sweet it hurts me to think of them

and sometimes you watched back
and once or twice our eyes lingered
in each other's
and I wondered how much you could read
in mine

even your toes are you

how lovely it is to love because
and not in spite
where every detail I notice becomes
another reason for me to fall
into this waking dream
minute by minute

and when I feel your eyes on me
I wonder, wonder what you see
just a mystery?
or a curiosity?
or do you, too, begin to be
enveloped
by the most delectable details?

espoir

work was hectic today, but it was my last shift ever (I really hope) so I'm going to forget about it. then I took my geography final (also going to forget about that). I came home and ate pitas and hummas and read the motorcycle diaries until I drifted off into a nap and woke up a couple of hours later feeling wonderfully.

I talked to my momma on the phone for a bit, and also jeffrey (that adorable brother of mine) and then made sure I looked okay and went with john to pick up annie. I should have stayed at his apartment to talk to kryn but I was already going to go with and I got confused and didn't know what to do ... (shakes head)

we came back to his apartment and john, annie, gab, kryn and me watched seven pounds. finally a night where everyone had time to relax. I just deliberately used me instead of I. hmmm. I liked being in the same room as him. I thought something and not five minutes later he said it out loud. it was funny and it made me happy.

je sais je sais je sais
je suis completement ridicule
je ne peux pas supporter ce ... ce ...
en fait, oui, bien sur je vais le supporter
mais c'est difficile quand meme

espoir

beat that!

I officially hold the record for fastest typing employee at my job. my one, most exciting, claim to fame. 101 wpm baby!! and I just beat that with 102. I now have a running competition with myself. I'm gonna leave this job with a popular reputation (with the coworkers at least).

I had my french theatre final last night and it went really well. since the audience was having a good time with it, we went ahead and played it up a little more than we rehearsed it and it was a lot of fun. I didn't forget my lines! hooray!

I bought 2 books of poetry today (it is poetry month, after all), both by nikki giovanni. I was going to make myself choose, but there was a sale, so I didn't. I got the collected poetry of nikki giovanni 1968-1998 and bicycles: love poems. I am content.

this afternoon I'm going to study for african geography, then I'm going to take a break and inventory my stuff. you know, that silly thing that ocd people do where they make list after list, of which things stay with oceane, which things stay with celesta, which things I'm leaving at home and which things I'm taking to paris ... yeah. I love how ocd people have different issues. like oceane has to make her bed. me? I never make my bed. but I can't stand even numbers. everybody has their thing. and I like lists. then I'm going to study some more. tomorrow's the final and then study some more for physical science on monday.

and then I go to virginia. and then I go to paris. and then I go to toulouse. oh it's gonna be wonderful.

11.11

classes are over! I didn't even realize it was the last day of class until I got home. probably because I still have a lot to do. well, really only one paper, but there's so many other things on my list that it feels a lot worse than it really is. I have two finals to study for, plus my french theatre final performance of my scene from la cantatrice chauve (the bald soprano, my non-frenchie friends). I'm not too worried about physical science. 25 pts of the test go to the questions "what is truth?" mathematically, scientifically, and religiously/philosophically. that should be kind of fun to prepare for and answer.

here's something I thought of today during my physical science test review:
"since the anthropic principle states that the universe only exists because we are here to observe it, then if there was only one human being alive, the entire universe and everything in it would exist because that person could observe it, but the person would not exist because there would be no one to observe them. (assuming existence is necessarily verified by an outside observer. just like the universe cannot verify itself, the person cannot verify them self.)"

I just wished on 11.11

today it is raining. I like the rain but the disgusting labyrinth of bloated and dying worms all over the sidewalk is kind of ruining it. I would like to smell the beautiful rain freshness, not the nastiness of worms. umbrellas are a ridiculous hassle, so I am wearing my bolivian alpaca hat, which equals awesomeness.

I am ready for the perpetual stress of school to be done. but I am not quite ready to leave, even though I am leaving to paris, which is incredible (and just a little bit scary). I wish I had a week just to relax with my friends and have some fun without the constant worry about what it is I haven't yet done weighing on my mind.

abraham gets back from paris tonight. I have no idea what this is going to be like. I just want the drama to go away. far away.

I can't wait to sit and read a book of my own choosing without guilt.

d&c blog finale

well, the semester's coming to an end and so is this assignment. I don't know, sometimes the topics were forced, just cause I had to write to get credit and I didn't always have much to say. but I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn to be more courageous about just saying how I feel. that's never been a problem for me with anything else, but I've been rather hesitant about sharing my testimony and spiritual experiences and opinions. this assignment helped me learn to be more open about that.

I have no idea if anyone has gotten anything out of this. frankly, it's not really for me. writing that sort of stuff down doesn't really add anything to the experience and internal synthesis I've already been through on a given spiritual topic. so I hope, not that it's taught you anything, but that maybe it got you to thinking. my epiphanies aren't your epiphanies, nor are my questions or conclusions yours. but I hope you will keep asking God and yourself questions. complacency never got anybody anywhere. I know that if you ask God for answers or guidance, He will listen and answer. you will find clarity, not always in the answers you get but in the way you learn to ask questions.

I know that God lives and that his son Jesus Christ is the savior of the world. that goes for me and you and everyone else. I know they love us and always know what we need. trust them. they will never lead you wrong.

lost

I have lost it.
I have lost the ability to sit down and whip out a paper.
and now I don't know what to do with myself.
what? be a real student? I don't think I know how to do that.
I need to eliminate all distractions - people, music, internet, thoughts ...
that is difficult to do, so I am presently paper-less and incapable.
something seriously needs to change next semester.
I thought I'd get gradually better with each semester at university,
but no, I'm getting not so gradually worse.

get this, he's talented:
he is capable of making me sick to my stomach just by being in the room.
hah how's that for romantic?

john says I talk faster around him.
it's the only exterior indicator that I'm nervous.
... I think.
I need to meditate or something.

carlos and david learned how to stage kiss and I consented to let them practice on me.
(why? I don't know why.)
so now there are some incriminating photos that look pretty realistic.
I'm not posting them, they're a little embarrassing ...

mathias finds it very sad that I've never been kissed.
believe me, I also find it sad.
now I have all these expectations about my wonderful first kiss
and what it's going to mean to me.
whatever, it's going to suck. it always does (so I've heard).

my bravery only goes so far.

weekly roundup

words just words

I was driving south of Melrose; I happened upon my old lover's old house
I found myself staring at the closed up door like the day she threw me out
"Dianna, Dianna, Dianna I would die for you.
I'm in love with you completely, I'm afraid that's all I can do."
She said "You can sleep upon my doorstep, you can promise me indifference, Jim.
But my mind is made up, and I'll never let you in again."

For the slow fade of love
It might hit you from below
It's your gradual descent
Into a life you never meant
It's the slow fade of love.

--- rilo kiley, a man/me/then jim

where does your loyalty lie?
to the human race or the land where you reside?
and there's a time when silence is the same as to hide
and there's a time when a traitor's way is not taking a side

what am I afraid you will see? who am I afraid to be?

cause I'd be lost forever if you slipped away
blue eyes you're the reason for my change

three part dream

my sister celesta had 3 little girls instead of one and had just had another baby boy. the name escapes me, but it was a weird one. I was sitting on top of this really steep hill with my parents. I was wearing sunglasses. at the bottom of the hill was a road and this convertible pulled up with many of the bairds in it. I thought natalie was in it, but later we were going to her funeral, so I guess not. I waved, but they didn't recognize us, so I lifted my sunglasses and they knew it was me. sister arny was in the car and she got out and climbed up the hill and gave me a really long hug. later, the funeral was kind of like this huge, event I guess. there were video clips and people talking, but we were all up on the hill watching like it was a big show, or something. it was weird. later, paul was talking at the podium, it was kind of like general conference or something, and me and my parents were watching it on a tv, and he had all three of the little girls placed around him and saying scripted things at opportune moments, except they had his voice so it was really creepy. it was just plain creepy.

we were at the airport and waiting around, wasting time, I can't remember everything that happened. then we freak out cause we're late. then proceed to lounge around wasting more time, then freak out. repeat. (is this a commentary on my parents' way of making decisions? probably) then the airport people were saying that everyone in the security line was going to have to do this thing with all of their bags to go through security. everything in your stuff had to be blown on through this straw that would make all of the empty spaces in things turn red. so we started doing it to some of our carry-on stuff. it's going to take freaking forever. then, some stewardess lady leans over this balcony above us and says "what are you doing? you don't need to do that. only the ones with the most people in their group and the poorest and the ones running late for their flight have to do that." ... so we go through security.

later, I'm in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I leave the lights off for some reason. I'm at the wrong sink but I don't realize it, so I'm feeling around for my pill bottle, but it's really all of my mom's stuff there, so I'm taking her pills, lots of them, and then I realize what's going on. so I let them all dissolve in my mouth and then spit them in the sink and rinse it out. and repeat. I'd already taken a bunch, though. it didn't taste as bad as I thought it should.

chat extracts

we have already established
that i am ANYthing
but sneaky
it's just
i do feel ridiculous
i really do
i have no excuse feeling like this
it's been what 2 weeks?
i don't know if i have any hope whatsoever
but how did you know to hold on?
i don't know if i can not hold on
even if i wanted to
but it hurts
to think you're doing it all for nothing
i know it works out sometimes
it works for some people
but what are the odds man?
do i dare put so much in?
i mean, it's a little too late
and here i am
the week before finals

o: i can see it in your eyes. the longing.

o: i'm glad i met you
me: i can't say how much i completely agree with that
o: what took us so freaking long to find each other? where have you been all my life?
me: virginia. maybe YOU are the reason i somehow innately love everything french
o: yes yes yes! that must be it
me: maybe i had to meet you to truly understand who i am, because you are me. let's go to vermont and cohabit for the rest of our lives. tax free!!

i'm really a closet country girl at heart maybe
i was born in nebraska
you know
it's in my blood
that's where the y'alls come from every now and then
they don't like being suppressed
i was also just singing a man-hating carrie underwood country song
all -- watch and observe
history is being made tonight

SIGHS au pluriel

"time to be not happy anymore"
here we go

i sweart upon my very grave

not so good

I am not so good at waiting.
I am turmoiled but I don't even have a topic really to write poetry about.
just unrequited love.
just waiting and yearning and hoping against hope.
I don't know how people can do this for weeks and months at a time
I'm pretty sure I'd die from high blood pressure or ulcers or aneurysms or something.
I think unrequited love is like having a sore heart.
it's not broken, just a little swollen and achy - it spreads.
I told myself I wasn't going to stress about this,
that it's just a chance,
wishes that I'm throwing to the wind in hopes that they'll carry to him,
but they're just getting blown back in the window at me.
I was too honest with myself, too quickly.
I know I know he's busy
but if I could only know what he's thinking -
actually, I don't think knowing that he doesn't care would change anything
that's what's so strange about this whole thing.
for once, my love is pure and unselfish.
oh, the things I would give up for you.

here are some of my thoughts:
I wish I knew what you like to eat so I could bring you some lunch while you're studying so hard.
I wonder what you're working on and what your papers are about.
I wish I could come study with you, just be near you, and it wouldn't be weird at all.
I hope every night that by the time I am brushing my teeth and blowing you a kiss at the window that you are already asleep because you need it more than I do.
I have given up seeing you at dinners - you are so busy these days that no matter how many times the door opens, it's never you - but I still want to dress well and look good, just in case I happen to see you.
I imagine watching our movie together and falling asleep on your shoulder, even though I never fall asleep in movies, especially not if I could be sitting next to you, so I guess I just want to sleep on your shoulder.
I listen to some of your favorite music that is also some of my favorite music and imagine you walking home past my open window and hearing it drift out and having it brighten your day.
I think about the way you space your words while you talk and the way you look at people while they're talking and the way sometimes your laugh doesn't spread to your eyes and the way your hands rest on things, but I can't remember how you walk.

I want to know you as well as I know myself.

(did I really post this? I did. we have reached a new level of openness, my friends.)

piazza new york catcher

this song inspired this drawing
look for the details

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may

I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the song we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour

Meet you at the statue in an hour

-- belle & sebastian

roundup

breeze

oh the weather here is so wonderfully beautiful. I went for a long walk tonight and stargazed with oceane and stephanie. it was so calming. just what I needed.

that was after an impromptu dance party at my house (we're good at those) but I was done after not too long. I like my music better for dancing. and there was a friend of a roommate over that I have a hard time handling and I needed to get away for awhile, so I went out to enjoy the wind. I brought a fudgesicle with me and I felt like such a kid and I loved it.

I also chatted with stephan today. he has such a talent for making me feel wonderful about myself and reminding me that no, I am not an idiot. not always, anyway. I happen to need to hear that quite a bit these days. I'm so glad we are still friends, even after everything. I'm excited for his wedding - I kind of forgot about it. I'm glad it worked out that it was happening in virginia during the six days that I am in virginia before I fly to paris.

I am listening to josh groban. I haven't listened to him in forever, but I love how lyrics stay in your head for years and years. like all of the music I was exposed to when I shared a room with claire - sometimes I hear random old music in stores or something and I totally know all of the lyrics and it kind of weirds me out.

d&c blog second to last

having just finished up general conference weekend and thinking about the calling and role of the prophet and apostles in the church, I thought this tied in well with part of our class discussion from thursday. dr. holzapfel described how there was a cultural war within the church because of church members in nauvoo who wanted a prophet who preached to them on sunday and didn't impact them for the rest of the week. they were fed up with Joseph as a prophet who encompassed every sphere of society and religion. by 1844, enemies within the church had left and formed the reformed church of Jesus Christ. many who saw Joseph as a "fallen prophet" cited his involvement in economics, politics, plural marriage, and the new doctrine of progression towards godhood. they failed to distinguish the prophet's humanity and ability to make mistakes in things other than the Lord's truth and doctrine and the direction of his church and kingdom.

what's interesting today is that the prophet, while refraining from explicit political affiliations, discusses and councils on every aspect of life, including doctrine, family, economics, media, etc. it's just that today, for some reason, members are able to listen or not listen when they want to. maybe it's an issue of justification or rationalization or just hypocrisy. before, members believed the prophet or thought he was a fallen prophet. these days, it seems that members are able to believe when they feel like it and disregard when they don't happen to like what they hear or think they can rationalize it for themselves. in a way, it's a flippancy for the sacredness of the prophet's calling. I don't excuse myself from this tendancy -- I think all of us do it to some extent -- it's just something to think about.

creative sample

true, I swore I'd never act for him again (those things just got too embarrassing), but I guess I'm someone he can count on and will be reasonably okay at acting to make it work. so this is david (jon banks)'s creative sample for his application to the film program at BYU. the story itself is wonderfully morbid -- I came up with it myself :) and all the editing and stuff is amazingly well done. yay david! you'd better get in the program or I'll be mad.


unnamed creative sample 03-16-09 from David Jon Banks on Vimeo.

parents!

it's been a good weekend.

my parents flew in on friday night and came and picked me up with my stuff for the weekend to stay at my grandpa's house in pleasant grove. we woke up early on saturday and me and my mom went to salt lake for the morning session of general conference. we had tickets to see it in the conference center. it was quite excellent. my favorite part is always when the prophet first comes in and everybody stands up and it gets really quiet and just the organ is playing. it kind of reminds me how everyone will bow for christ. we came back to grandpa's and watched the afternoon session on tv and then me and mom went over to celesta's while dad and grandpa went to salt lake for the priesthood session. we ordered pizza and watched victoria's american girl felicity movie (it was pretty good for an american girl movie. kind of cute, even).

I was blessed this weekend to not be hardly tired at all and I had some questions in mind that really helped me get more out of all of the sessions. it was a really wonderful conference weekend.

I had a ticket for the morning session today, but I decided to stay home and watch on tv with my grandpa while my parents were in salt lake for both sessions. then I read more of le malade imaginaire (trying to catch up on everything I haven't been reading this semester). when my parents got back, we sat and talked and I spilled the whole drama of my life (all of it) to my dad in about 20 minutes (I talk really fast) and then he and my grandpa gave me a priesthood blessing. I really needed that a week ago, but my dad wasn't here then. it was wonderful.

we had family dinner at celesta's tonight and then just talked til 9 when dad and grandpa brought me back to the apartment. I wanted to not be stressed out by getting back way late and I needed to read some more moliere. crazy to think that in two weeks, I'll be seeing my parents again in virginia. finals and everything will be over and 6 days later I'll be flying to paris. this is getting really close.

today I signed and mailed my taxes.

side note:
how long is the expected wait between giving out your number and getting a call?
should I be getting worried? I'm a little worried.

say hello

utah, sometimes you surprise me:

with fresh and happy rain showers that leave nothing but mist and rebirth
with snow-covered Timpanogos that dazzles, sometimes burns, my eyes
with orion always constant for me every night I remember to look
with duck buddies that sometimes stroll with me on my way to school
with the cloudless sky arching over me, a pure almost-cornflower blue
with budding trees and singing birds (some too fat for branches)
and gusting winds on hilltops and peach pits on the ground
and the richest, sweetest grass my toes have ever tasted

I think my favorite is when mist seeps into the valley, lower than the peaks
and when the moon is caught rising with its light just behind the ridge of the mountain

why do you hide yourself behind such dismal grey skies for so many months at a time?
see how easy I give my love when you come out to say hello.

a sunday afternoon

not quite on the brink
yet
but I can see it
approaching
closer and closer and
faster
hold it off hold it off

not two minutes ago, I was fine

now I am looking around
trying to focus
on anything but the mounting
wave
that is rising in me from
--- I don't know where
where?

I think I am going to be sick

focus on each step
focus on the silverware
focus on the conversations circling my head
focus on the chair, the door, my nails
focus on the water in the glass

not working

get out
get out
NOW
before something happens
what could happen?
that's just it
--- I don't know

pacing
breathing
gulping water and air
it's okay it's okay it's okay
am I okay?
it's going to be okay
shake it out shake it out

sort of working, maybe

I guess I'll go back in now
tentative
wary
is it gone?
is it coming back?



what just happened?
shit
--- I don't know I don't know