(fairly) recent adventures

fun times with maxwell -

babysitting is always a crazy fun adventure

with this little monkey.

this was hard to take - he's a squirmer that one.

hey! new glasses

went with michelle to help her try on wedding dresses

also tried on party dresses, just for kicks.

... my dresses are going to have to be custom made.

my boobs are so freaking ridiculous.

yum! a taco feast super delicious

the guacamole was incredible

new project

have you ever imagined something or someone that just suddenly became? out of nowhere. just a blank page and then, before your eyes, a person grew up out of the emptiness in front of you.

yesterday, I spent 4 hours at the inquiry conference. president eyring spoke and I really enjoyed it. that was for extra credit. then I spent 5 hours at the church history symposium. that was required for a class. I was looking forward to it, but it turned out to be quite dull. I got all brain dead and fidgety where you feel like your muscles are going to start twitching involuntarily if you don't get up and do something now. the topics were interesting, but treated so dryly. I continue to be appalled at the world's apparent complete lack of presentation skills. you can't just stand up and read a paper. a speech or lecture is entirely different than the written word. or should be.

so while I was sitting in the 3rd hour of this symposium deal, I took out my new sketchbook and decided I would try a face, since carolyn gave me some basic composition tips over the break. so I drew a face and added hair and added shoulders and suddenly, I had this incredibly awesome girl that has a name and friends and a place she belongs and a passion for things and a book that's being written about her:

so, me and oceane spent about 3 hours last night developing characters and determining plot and motives et tout ca. I am so excited about it. you may get a few scenes and conversations on here in the near future. I hope you like it as much as we do!!

and now, meet wren:


yeah yeah I know it's not that great, but I'm freaking excited, okay?

skills

skills I would like to have someday:

guitar
photography
calligraphy
poetry
sketching
sign language
rock climbing
killing spiders
keeping plants alive other than cacti
folding paper cranes and turning them into mobiles
lying to keep a surprise a secret
listening to a political debate without saying anything
hang-gliding
bird-watching
kissing
...
yeah I guess I really did just write that.

treehouse homes

someone may want to shoot me now
before I get too many crazy ideas
and when I say that
you should know what that means
...
you are too late

d&c blog # what are we on now?

sometimes I get discouraged, just like everyone else. I'm not sure why I'm feeling it more than usual right now, but when others tell me to snap out of it, I can't help but say ... well, no. there must be a reason I feel this way and I intend to find out. how else am I supposed to learn about myself and the world and grow for the future? sometimes it's okay to acknowledge that you really are doing things wrong. self-improvement doesn't come by turning a blind eye.

I don't have much else to say about it right now, other than to share these thoughts given to Joseph Smith when he had much more to be discouraged about than I do. reading these words gives me some peace.

My (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way ... fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever. Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

(d&c 121:7-9, 122:8-9, 123:17 emphases obvious)

I learn and feel and become through music, so:

step one--be still, drink in the peace that God speaks to your soul

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

step two--go and do without fear

Va, ne crains pas: Le Seigneur te protège.
Qu'il soit toujours un guide pour tes pas
Tous tes fardeaux patiemment il allège.
Passent les ans, le même il restera.
Va, ne crains pas car, divin privilège,
Un ami sûr toujours te conduira.

step three--keep singing

momma o-o-o-o

things I got today:

a phone call
my passport
a letter from erik
second season of arrested development
a much-needed break

it was a good day, even though my passport picture looks weird under all those squiggly lines. typical. me and oceane already finished the first 6 episodes of arrested development and I get the feeling that we're going to be watching more tonight. man, I love that show. I've been singing the avett brothers all day, surprise. I get so obsessed with new music. it probably annoys everyone around me. I feel bad for not writing erik, he's a good friend, but how how do you be a good friend back while making it clear that the only thing you want is friendship? truly a woman's dilemma. I also cleaned my room, something that's been weighing on my mind every night, cause that's the only time I'm in my room is right before bed. I'm gonna go call my momma.

truth

yes, I am.
yes, I will.

emotionalism

the avett brothers. finally bought the whole album (emotionalism 2007). it was long overdue. man, I want to see these guys live so bad. they're incredible.


Avett Brothers "Weight of Lies" from Marshall J. Baumgartner on Vimeo.


The Avett Brothers - The Ballad of Love and Hate, Live at Memorial Hall from Leon Godwin on Vimeo.

don't forget to make them fullscreen while you watch and listen. it's beautiful.

I. LOVE. THIS. MUSIC

today I decided that ...

lilies smell good
cheerios are good for your heart
boys not so much
sometimes wanting something and not buying it can feel really good
sometimes wanting something and buying it can feel even better
dishes don't do themselves
trees are alive
so is the wind
when I think about the way things should be,
canned food is the first thing to go
with nicolas cage in close second
wait
make that miley cyrus

+++

I am eating a kiwi
I aced my geography quiz
I did not buy myself flowers or new pens
I did buy myself a sketchbook and pencils
I own a shelf full of books
I worked out my days with planner and post-its
I ordered the second season of arrested development

---

I overslept by three hours and was late to work
I would not blame them if they fired me one of these days

Apparition would be really handy

that is all I have to say.

d&c blog no 4

last class, I learned that at the exact same time that the mormons were being driven out of Missouri, across the Mississippi river into Iowa and Illinois, the Cherokee were being driven across the Mississippi in the other direction during the period and path marked as the trail of tears. this helped put the missourian persecution of the saints into perspective for me. the mormon founding experience was taking place in a very different america than today where freedoms that I take for granted were not necessarily upheld for everyone.

however, I think our perception of church history as an individual membership has taken on a victim mentality. it's good to study and know in greater detail than we do the explicit experience of the early church, but I find many members so caught up in our history and the way we've been wronged as a church in the past that they are quick to project that mentality on our interactions with the world today. that will be counterproductive. the fact that the trail of tears was occuring at the same time just highlights the reality that at this time of american history, we were not the exception, nor can we pretend that we were wronged in a vacuum. much of the persecution of the saints is explainable by many things other than our religion, including economic, political and societal conditions. church members should not be passive or incomplete students of our history but take care to understand the entire historical context, not the one we see with our lenses of today.

how to?

how to be a good friend?
I am always asking myself this question because I am constantly failing at it.

friends buy other friends a flower for no reason in particular. friends leave a note with cadbury eggs, a pineapple and a bridal magazine on your bed, just cause you were feeling down. friends don't let you be too hard on yourself. they tell you when you're being stupid, even if they know you won't listen. they do more than just love you, they show and tell it.

that's where I come short. I think of my friends all the time, but since I hate the phone, I don't call them. since I'm lazy, I don't write them. and though I try to be sweet by doing nice things, they usually beat me to it. I know they know I love them, there's no doubt about that, but I wish I could show them more often. I wish it wasn't so hard. sometimes I feel very selfish.

dynamics

so I disappeared from off the face of the earth ...
actually I just went to my sister's house for the long weekend and I've been pre-tty busy.

I watched ice age: the meltdown (should have just gone to sleep), hellboy (excellent, now I need to see the second one), fools rush in (cute, 90s), and the life aquatic (wes anderson at his best, as always).

I ate tucanos (holy. crap. lots of food), gnocchi with pearl onions and stuffed portobello mushrooms and molten chocolate cake (courtesy of claire and jesse), bowtie pastas, and guru's sweet potato fries with fry sauce. there goes the results of the last two weeks of dieting. it was ... almost worth it. I probably would have been just as happy if I ate strawberries and pineapple all weekend.

I stayed in a house of sick people, very sick people and didn't think I'd gotten anything, even after a whole week of germs. but no. I leave today and suddenly my throat hurts, my ears ache, my lymph nodes are swollen. wonderful.

I stayed in a house of people I love. I come home and hear all the things they really have to say about me. you'd think that I'd be used to it by now, the illogical expectations, the accusations and distrust, the condescension, but no. it still hurts.

I'm getting really tired of being the 6th child, youngest girl, 20 something who everyone packs their emotional sibling childhood baggage onto. the sooner I leave america the better. they all just want me to live their dreams anyway. might as well get to it so they can start pretending. it'd be so much easier to get along if I just disappeared for a year, eh?

my mom is back home now. that makes me sad. even though it was not the best week for anyone.

d&c blog no 3

in march 1836, the Kirtland, Ohio temple was dedicated and a pentecostal season opened on the saints. this part of the doctrine and covenants actually coincided with the sunday school lesson this past sunday and, it must have been the spirit of the sabbath, but I really felt the true wonderfulness of what happened as I read this passage in the book:

"The ceremonies of that dedication may be rehearsed, but no mortal language can describe the heavenly manifestations of that memorable day. Angels appeared to some, while a sense of divine presence was realized by all present, and each heart was filled with 'joy inexpressible and full of glory'. A noise was heard like the sound of a rushing mighty wind, which filled the Temple, and all the congregation simultaneously arose, being moved upon by an invisible power. Many began to speak in tongues and prophesy; others saw glorious visions; and I beheld the Temple was filled with angels ..."

how beautiful and marvelous! I can't even really comprehend what it would have been like to be there. I cannot find the words to describe the power of this testimony in me.

a week later, the Savior himself appeared to joseph smith and others in the temple to pronounce his approval of his house. joseph describes him by saying, "His countenance shone above the brightness of the sun; and his voice was as the sound of the rushing of great waters, even the voice of Jehovah." I love that the only way to even attempt to describe the Savior is through nature. dr. holzapfel pointed out that not long before these events, joseph had been to visit niagara falls. he knew what the sound of rushing of great waters was like. but what I love about nature is the complete harmony of its majesty and grandeur with its peace and purity. inside the outward manifestation of power is the emanation of peace, a soothing balm to the soul.

I've been studying the nature of peace a lot lately and this reminds me of section 6 verse 23 that says the Lord speaks peace to the mind. I imagine that Christ's voice speaks peace and in the action of speaking it, creates it. so the voice of Christ is peace. and because the desire to give peace to our souls comes from His love for us, his voice is also a manifestation of his pure love for us. and I find that both comforting and exquisitely beautiful.

the high court of love

I'm not sure how I feel about valentine's day. it's really a celebration that came out of nowhere, and by nowhere I mean the fiction of geoffrey chaucer. he wrote about it as if it were a tradition in his parliament of foules when really he was creating the tradition himself. it has nothing to do with various martyred st. valentines. nothing to do with ancient pagan traditions. pretty much, it's been commercialized and consumerized since the 1840s. the only thing I can find to approve is the "high court of love" it inspired in france in the 1400s that dealt with betrayal and violence against women, as judged through poetry, of course.

I think my favorite inversion of western "tradition" is the way south koreans (according to wikipedia, who knows?) celebrate it. on valentine's day, women give men chocolate. on march 14th, the men give candy back, but not chocolate. on april 14th, everyone who didn't get anything on valentine's day goes out alone and eats black noodles. that's probably the best day to meet someone you know, the only people you see out are the single, depressed ones like you.

also of note: saudi arabia banned valentine's day as un-islamic and shop-keepers are forced to remove all red merchandise. result? a black market for roses and wrapping paper. we will express our ridiculous sentiments on a made-up consumerist holiday, regardless of the violent government threats! I'd rather keep my husband alive than have a rose, thank you very much.

prolly my favorite is the coinciding chinese "night of sevens" when the cowherd star and the weaver maid star, who are separated by the milky way "river", can cross it and meet on the 7th day of the 7th month of the chinese calendar. what's more beautiful than star love legends? hmmm not much. it beats the brazilian week of sex and debauchery at any rate.

in conclusion: handmade is best, flowers are wonderful but not on valentine's day or they cost fifty bucks and that's ridiculous, chocolate's okay but not preferred, props to fine, delicate jewelry in good taste. if you give me a teddy bear, I will promptly decapitate it and give it back.

skipping

it's snowing again. I'm skipping class again. oh it's not really that bad, it's only the second time for this class, but I swear, once you get this uber-student gene or complex or whatever it is started, there's just no shutting it off. and I think I got started in kindergarten. I feel incredibly guilty right now. probably cause I really want to be in class, and I imagine the professor hates me now, even though I'm sure he doesn't, and I think we're choosing monologues today, or at least saying which one we want, and I want to get the one I want to do. so why am I not in class? because I am incapable of organizing my life so that I can accomplish what I need to as a student and actually sleep ever. I just couldn't wake up this morning. I could have run to class, but my mom who's in town :) is picking me up to do some stuff after school, one of which is getting my passport photos, which means I can't just run to class looking like this ...

it's stupid when you don't have your life in control because you're trying to do lots of good things but can't manage to fit them in with all of the must-do things. last night I gifted, sang, read, discussed brain capacity, neural networks and REM sleep with a friend, played babyfoot (only 1 game! admire the self-control), read scriptures, meditated, sang mantras and stretched, drank tea and did some emailing. tell me that is not a good, productive list! I just didn't happen to read diderot's paradoxe sur le comedien, or catch up on all the other reading I've been slacking off on, or go to bed before 2.30 am. I think an intervention is in order. I don't know what to do with myself.

on a happier note, my mom is here! I haven't been able to spend too much time with her, she is watching my niece and nephew (who are sick) after all, but we spent saturday afternoon together and we're going to go do some stuff at 1 today, including getting my passport (!) adjusting my new glasses and doing some really critical shopping. claire and jesse should be coming up from vegas for valentine's day weekend, so I'll be spending most of the weekend with family. hooray! I love my family.

sparrows

you bring me to tears
just barely
but it panics me in my chest
just here
can you see it rising in me?
what shall we call it?

I can still hold them back
if I do not sing
but how long?
how long til you render me
flooded?

I have never been fragile
but now, blown glass
I'm not complaining
don't tiptoe in circles please
walk straight
just so.
I need to see you, clear
as you recede
or reappear.

I am awash
with introspect and doubts
that were always self-inflicted
before this moment.

I reach
but am met with lilting shadows
that drop behind words
when my hand gets too close,
like skittish sparrows.

I don't know how you did this.
I wonder, do you?
and I sing outside and in
their musing words that
turn barely into truly
for one solid minute
just one

darling, you bring me to tears

title and registration

can't get this out of my head today.
look it up, the music is what makes it.

the glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it.
so i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail-lights fading east
to find yourself a better life.

i was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head

cause it's too important
to stay the way it's been

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night (up all night)
when i'm lying awake at night.

(death cab for cutie)

tonight I feel ...

- pretty
- comfortable in my skin
- healthy
- ready to keep trying
- shy smiley
- poetic
- handy, creative
- confused
- cocoa butter
- hope
- ache
- thoughtful
- petite
- ready for sleep

hope you all feel some of my happy thoughts tonight. dormez avec les anges et les etoiles, mes amis. a plus.

d&c blog numero deux

no coherent narratives today, just a bunch of thoughts I've had this past week:

- we believe that the New Jerusalem is where Christ will reign on the earth during the millennium and preside in all righteousness. we also believe that this city will be built in Independence, Missouri. sometimes I think, how random, what a ridiculously random place for Zion to be. but if you think about it, any place that it would be is just a regular someplace for somebody. not everything always have to be fantastic. in fact, the more I learn about my religion, the more I am struck by how clear-cut, how simple, how understandable it is. that's how truth usually feels, it just kind of sits in your chest and infiltrates your being.

- brigham young said, "To live with saints in heaven is bliss and glory, to live with saints on earth is another story." this class is clarifying a lot of things for me and I'm seeing more and more how so many people within the church just aren't all there. myself absolutely included. I had a really amazing conversation with oceane the other day about this among other things and I decided I'd never realized before how much members themselves struggle with things that have always seemed basic to me. and this is because my parents were such good examples to me. they weren't perfect for sure, I think they misunderstood the crucial need to address issues by specifics, but I'm beginning to truly value what they showed me through a genuine way of being. President Hinckley said, "It is not enough to simply be known as a member of this Church." more is required. as we increase in knowledge, so God expects more of us.

- sufferings will be made up in the atonement. it will be made right. with agency & the atonement, nothing will be taken from us. the greek word for perfect really means whole or complete. we live in the dispensation of the fulness of times. the revealed ordinances of the temple make it possible to obtain the fulness of the priesthood. God does not leave this or any work undone and we, as his grief and his glory, He will not leave us undone either.

cherubim and a flaming sword
(j. kirk richards)

dream blog 7

I flew into london. I thought I was going to miss my flight cause I was watching tv or something, but I was wrong about the time, so I made it. after I got there, I got into this car, a really big intense suv. amanda is there too, and a couple other people, a guy and a girl, I travelled with them, but I can't remember who they are now. amanda is driving. I am sitting behind her, looking at the concavity of the car's window and deciding how I would sleep on it when I got tired. very convenient.

I can't remember any of the conversation. then amanda gets up and goes past me and opens a door and walks down this huge long corridor to the end. it looks like one corner of my rec room at home, with an old desk and computer. the whole corridor sways with the rest of the car, it is definitely attached, like the most ridiculous semi truck ever. when amanda leaves, I look at the wheel and there's a large screen and the car/truck/monstrosity is navigating itself. we're in the country and there are these huge networks of tiered roads, hedges, and wheat fields. we are going down, onto the second level. there are donkeys grazing.

there is a dilemma of some kind, but I don't remember anything else.

vintage

celebrated my birthday with the girls on saturday. we went to guru's for a late lunch. oh so delicious. that place has never disappointed me. in fact, it has always exceeded my expectations. then we walked just a couple blocks in downtown provo to the coal umbrella, a vintage clothing store that I have heard much about but had yet to visit. bad idea. very bad idea. it is absolutely incredibly awesome in every way. I spent fifty bucks on these most decadent items.

blegh. I have a most awful headache. anise tea didn't help. nor did keira knightley in pride and prejudice. gah I can't stand her.