god bless us, everyone

a mellow christmas, but not a bad haul:

becoming jane from jeffrey (so sad, but SO good)
les contes d'amadou koumba from mom & dad (going to have to look up more vocab than I anticipated, but it's amazing)
a shirt from carolyn
picture frames from john ardovini (going to come in very handy after paris)
cds from claire & jesse
--mates of state
--azure ray
--electronica tango from paris, I forget their name
$50 to h&m from mom & dad (christmas wouldn't be christmas without that)
an anthropologie christmas ornament - a turtle!!- and a gift card from celesta & co.
new iPod earbuds from gregory (mine were torn up so bad, it was ridiculous)
money from grandpa
mix cd and bag from amanda
portrait book and elephant cup from oceane & stephanie

hmmm there wasn't really a large gift from santa this year, just the stocking stuff. but it's all good, I got more of my favorite pens and that's pretty much all I need.

the best gift I gave was mom's iPod, she was so so excited. it made me happy :)

I have had it with gaining weight. I currently weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life (118.5) and I am not happy about it. something must be done. and by something, I mean some serious new year's resolutions.

the other night, I hung out with david, elizabeth, scott and michelle molina. they stalked me and my dad through target and then walmart while we did our last bits of christmas shopping and then swooped by my house and stole me. we did crazy nothings and then we took everyone home. me and david weren't ready to go home so we went to occoquan and parked and walked the adorable little shop-lined streets and talked and just about died in the cold. I did anyway, I was only wearing my pyjamas. then we drove back to my house and sat in the car in the street for another hour talking. mr. forrest came out to sneak presents from car to house a couple times and he kept staring at us. either he thought we were murdering burglars or just making out. neither being the case, it was pretty funny.

totally unrelated:
I have had it with men. a relationship needs to grow mutually from both sides and this never happens to me. either he likes me and I don't, or I like him and he doesn't. pretty much the only guys that ever like me are friends. and yes, I know I've said that relationships should develop from friendships first, but everyone just chill out. please. I'm so tired of all my friendships getting turned upside down and thrown in my face. boys, if I really knew how to punch well, I would punch you all in the face. this is my non-christmas-affiliated rant. back to christmas.

whence comes this rush of wings afar
following straight the noel star?
birds of the wood in wondrous flight
bethlehem seek this holy night
tell us, ye birds, why come ye here
into this stable, poor and drear?
hastening we seek the new-born king,
and all our sweetest music bring
angels and shepherds, birds of the sky,
come where the son of God doth lie
Christ on earth with man doth dwell
join in the shout, noel! noel!

(carol of the birds)

photoshop could be useful here

start imagining

dream blog 5

I'm in this room with all of these birds, there's a feeder on the ceiling in the middle of the room. there's a man, I don't know who, who exclaims and points at a bird and says, "hey! a prius! I've never seen one before!" except he said prIus instead of prEEus. it was a smallish kind of macaw-type bird, blue mostly. it flew around for a bit, just so we could get a good look. it was beautiful. then there was another bird that I can't remember. I was doing my best to take pictures of all these.

then, from across the room, I saw a toucan. it was sitting on this ledge or shelf with a side to it, so you could only see it's head. I told the man, "look! there's a toucan!" he didn't know what that was. but, suddenly, it was on the ground ... and it wasn't a toucan. it was a pygmy rhinoceros!! a tiny, tiny pygmy rhinoceros. one side of it was just gray/black, but the left side was colorful: half soft red and the bottom half was with black zebra stripes. it's head was ... awesome. lots of colors. I think it was kind of dangerous, but it was incredible and sweetly dangerous, kind of like an animal that can hurt things just by moving around but doesn't realize they can. I'm thinking this dream may have been inspired by this painting:

or maybe it just reminded me of it.

it's called A Pair of Precocious Puffins
Precariously Perched on a Pot-Bellied Pig
by james christensen

to be read in a british accent

well I've just about finished up, but I've still got a statistics exam to take in a couple of hours, and I'm afraid it's going to be beastly awful. I've hardly studied at all, compared to what I probably should have. I haven't slept much at all either, what with giving presents, saying goodbye, chatting with my besties til all hours of the night, watching a movie, waking up early to see steph off. I'm not dead yet, but I may be tonight. oceane and abe are still around, so we're going to watch a film at celesta's house so she's not bothered to come round and pick me up so late. we'd best have a smashing load of fun tonight as it'll be our last time out on the town before abe packs off to paris.

blimey! I just glanced out the window and the snow's comin' down out there like nothing else. the flakes aren't even falling, they're just swirling round in circles in the air. I'm wearing long trousers and flat shoes today. brilliant. might have thought of that a bit before I went out of the door today if I weren't so blooming tired.

I got myself all checked in online for my flight tomorrow morning. I'm hoping for the best with this blasted weather. if I can't get home on saturday, I'm going to be royally bothered. salt lake always gets more snow than us down here in the valley.

I made myself sound like a right charlie last night. it's a good thing the lads were already out of the flat, but I suppose they'll hear the story before long. it is on the quote wall, after all. and I am blogging about it. after all. we were talkin' about harry potter and I said something about how I've grown up reading about him and I kind of feel like I know the character like I would a friend and how the story themes speak to me. but it sort of came out all rubbish like "I feel like harry potter is my best friend. he speaks to me." ... it was absolutely ridiculous and we laughed forever. the funny part is it's probably bang on subconsciously or something.

well then, I'd best get back to the books. only an hour and a half left before my test. oh sod it!

finals week - where everything happens except finals

well, I'm in the middle of finals week. and by in-the-middle, I mean procrastinating foolishly, as always. I like how oceane put it. it doesn't matter if we're getting good grades, none of us can claim to be good students. the mattresses are out for a perpetual sleep-over. you can't really call it a sleep-over cause we all sleep in the same apartment anyway, but still. it's fun.

I had a dream the other night that God confirmed to me that I was supposed to get married and not go on a mission and it was so upsetting. I cried and cried. (in my dream. I laughed about it in real life, even though it was still depressing) it was, not a nightmare, but a really sad dream. nightmares must involve dark scary things and/or violence of some kind.

we watched the dark knight last night. I haven't seen it since opening night in the theaters. I think I was all pumped up for it the first time, but this time the darkness and evil were more apparent, enough to bother me. true, the psychology behind the film is darkly incredible and fascinating, but I don't think I necessarily want to keep subjecting myself to it. I can justify this sort of thing for some movies, like hotel rwanda, v for vendetta, the pianist, etc. but this pure-"entertainment" movie, I don't think so.

let's paint a picture: last night, I was on david's (gina's) laptop looking up tetes a claques and music with him while abe, carlos and steph had a nerf gun fight. I was right in the middle of it all and wasn't caught in the cross-fire even once, which I happily declared at the end of the battle. abe said sweetly that he wanted to, but I just looked so vulnerable that he couldn't. at which point, carlos took a gun, aimed for my forehead, and shot me in the eye. thanks.

he'd been on my case all day about every little thing and I was so done. so I went in my room and folded my clean clothes. steph and oceane came to find me and I started venting and yelling. and apparently carlos heard. and apparently he needed to hear me mad, cause it's the only thing I said all day that got through to him. what does it take to make them listen to me? I mean what I said and I said what I meant. christina is serious one hundred percent.

celesta called me this morning to ask if I needed a ride to the airport from her and when that would be. I really ought to be more on top of these things. I always forget to tell her. she also said she was going to bring by a you-can-get-through-exam-week treat for me and my roommates. hooray! how sweet.

I'm waiting on erik's letter, kind of pathetically. he said he sent it last week, wednesday I think, so it should definitely be here by now, but it's not. I got a harry & david package from sis. pittman. it was so cute! the gift message said "I just wanted to say hi. we're looking forward to seeing you at christmas." I kind of forgot that I've pretty much lived at the pittman's house since I was five, so amanda's parents are probably kind of attached to me by now. I should probably think of them more.

me and meesh had an aerobics final study session (which I got a 96 on!!) and we actually got a good picture of us both at the same time. on the first try! it's kind of hard to believe. so here it is.

sketches

my first sketches in ... 10 years maybe.

bananas!

abraham headless & handless

more to come in future

adventures

I saved a dog! I totally ran into the street and almost got run over and jumped through the air to push it out of the way of a car. no, not really. it just crossed the crosswalk at the light with all the people and I caught it by the collar so it wouldn't keep going and get run over. it was a big golden lab and it was nice and not fighting to get away, but she was excited and a little hard to contain. so I was holding her collar and trying to look at the tags and put in the phone number and then suddenly someone had taken her by the collar and I see abe's shoes and what do you know, there's abraham to the rescue. I called a couple people and eventually the police/pound came to pick her up, but we waited around for almost an hour. it was really pretty fun! I got hair all over my jacket and the dog tried to eat my new hand-wash only scarf and my hands were all dirty from petting her. it was pretty nasty going home, but it sure made for a good story.


last night we pulled all our mattresses out into the living room and had a sleepover party. me steph and oceane have done it a few times before, but this time annie and susan joined us and we all slept on four mattresses. we started watching a&e pride and prejudice but only made it through the first third before we all fell asleep. we usually do this on saturdays and then leave the mattresses out for homework parties and nap sessions on sunday afternoons.


abraham's being mission nostalgic to the max tonight. we've already looked at all of his pictures and heard the stories of his friends there, but tonight he brought out his cassette tapes of people bearing their testimonies and saying goodbye to him in malagasi. he's finding pictures of the people who were talking so we can look and listen at the same time. it's so powerful to see how moved he is remembering these people that he loved and to know he was truly a good missionary, listening to people thank his parents for letting him come teach them the gospel, that they love him like their own son, that they will see him in christ. and that they like his magic tricks. he says looking at these pictures, he can see places, smell smells, hear people's voices. I can't wait to go on my mission. my favorite part is hearing their laughs.

I really ought to be studying for my french 340 exam, but I'm really enjoying this mission reminiscence. and I want to sketch. and read le petit nicolas. and be done with school.

an evening

---bundled up
2 jackets, scarf, hat, gloves
------studying, examing
bus-riding home
----honey vanilla chamomile tea
hot and cold
-------babyfoot
20 billion games
duct tape hats
-----polka
knee-knocking
--sketching
bananas
abraham minus head and hands
charcoal-ed hands, face smears

tired eyes
papers to write
trop a faire

--empty empty
-----going
---gone

learning curve

this crush is already fading. the other night, I indulged in all my ridiculous emotions, knowing I'd need to start getting over it the next day, and then I got to it. it turned out to be easier than I imagined. you see, I have some "competition", except we're all good friends and made a pact to put our friendship first here. sure, sure, that's all well and good, I know, who's going to keep a pact like that?? well, we're best friends, and it helps that this boy is leaving soon and not coming back. I think they may be indulging in their emotions while they can, before he leaves, knowing there'll be an end to all of it soon enough anyway.

but I'm not like that. trying to compete in attentions and flirtation (hah! we all know I'm incapable of that) is just stupid. so, I've kind of left them to it and just sort of watch from a distance as the boy I like is fawned over by other people. I don't mean to sound resentful, I'm really not. it's just a little bittersweet and ironic, that's all. I wonder if he's as oblivious about all this as he seems to be. I'm sure all this will come out later at some point, and he's going to be completely blown away, and it'll be hilarious.

my opinion of men is on a pendulum swing. someone proves to me that men are rude idiots who don't know how to treat women. so I hate them for awhile. but they can be so wonderful. so I start to forget and start to look around and be interested and then I've fallen for someone. and invariably, someone proves it to you all over again. it isn't worth the drama and heartache. shame on you boys, for being so irresistible, for winning us over, for making us forget who you really are, until ...

we never seem to learn.

flacons de neige

sit and wonder

I hate crushes.

they drive you crazy. you feel so excited and pathetic at the same time. you read into everything and then discount it and then do it again. you let everything make you smile, even when you know it has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be the one standing there. you find yourself thinking about him randomly during the day, for no reason at all, wondering something you don't know about him, wondering if he wonders about you, knowing he doesn't.

it comes out of nowhere. it's been a long time in coming and you see that now, but you couldn't until it punched you in the face. you can't place when it happened, there was just a moment when you considered, and suddenly what had been growing all along came out in force.

wise friends hear you out, tell you it's okay with a light déjà passé in their tone and you know you should listen, you know they must be right, but the longing's still there, a confusion sitting heavy in my chest.

and ultimately, in a couple of weeks, when you know you can't take holding it in anymore, when you're sure he's got to know -- it's written all over your face, in your eyes, the effusion in every word that you try to hold in and fail quite miserably ... ultimately, he knows, everyone knows, and there you sit, a lone idiot, foolish for hoping, embarrassed for letting/making this happen again. 

I've got a hunger

Twisting my stomach into knots

That my tongue has tied off

My brain's repeating

"If you've got an impulse let it out"

But they never make it past my mouth.

Our youth is fleeting

Old age is just around the bend

And I can't wait to go gray

And I'll sit and wonder

Of every love that could've been

If I'd only thought of something charming to say.

this is the sound of settling.

(death cab for cutie)

balancin' the whole thing

I had my orchestra concert last night. string orchestra was not nearly as amazing an experience this semester as it was last winter and I had pretty much decided not to take orchestra next semester. but ... I changed my mind. I'm really going to miss it. the concert was good, especially the last number, an incredible mendelssohn. I am absolutely in love with lev -- he might be the best conductor I've ever had, and I have had a LOT of conductors over the years. I could have chosen to be in either string orchestra or university orchestra this semester and I chose the string and this whole time I've been regretting it, but as usual, it turned out for the best: I've already played three of the five pieces that the full orchestra played (verdi's la forza del destino, the nutcracker suite, and strauss's radetsky march). stephanie, oceane, abe and jessica & shantel came to watch and that made me very happy.

last night I made some snowflakes for my apartment. I will make more tonight. in fact, I will post pictures of my wonderful creations. it all started at work, they have huge stacks of paper sitting on the desk of all the labs for us to make snowflakes, and I'm the one that started it all. I don't know how they turn out so awesome, but they do. I have discovered, though, that I am intensely more creative when I'm upset about something. also last night, carlos taught me some basic self-defense. but I still think fighting off a man would be ... close to impossible. I just don't think I have enough power to break someone's kneecaps. I also went on a feminist rant. it was refreshing.

I put up the first two hours of my swkt shift this morning and mckay picked them up. theoretically, this was so I could get more sleep, but it turned out that me, steph and oceane stayed up until 4 in the morning. boy drama. so I was so dead all day today. I went to stats, even though I got absolutely nothing out of it, and then skipped the rest of my classes and slept for two and half hours. stephan came to the jkb to talk to me, which was nice, and now I'm at work again. ever since I've gotten back from break, I feel no desire to do anything school-related. I mean, enough motivation to actually get stuff done, but I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I think we all are. I'm going to miss my besties over the break, though.

I am officially accepted into the Paris and Southern France spring term study abroad program!!! I am so so excited. it is real. it is happening. I enthusiastically say "I told you so" to all of you, especially my father. not that he was against it or anything, but he and everyone else just seem skeptical that I'm going to make things happen in my life. well, I make my own future, and this is it, or the beginning anyway. I'm still not accepted into the internship program for the summer, but I'm working on that. also working on how this is going to be paid for. scholarships, hopefully. tomorrow, the world.

life, I am so ready.