work

haha! fooled you. this is not a wedding post. but it's coming, I promise.

I just spent the afternoon on my computer and it kind of drives me crazy. let's see, I looked at Emma Watson's short hair and pondered shorter hair, or purple hair. I researched rain boots and snow boots and did some big-time research on down jackets and waterproof shells, since I will definitely be needing a real winter coat this year. I updated my REI member info. checked email. but seriously - that's it!

some computer things are whims. most of the computer things I do, that take up time anyway, are things that actually need to be done - researching products that we need to get (like vacuums, looking for furniture on ksl, etc. etc.), changing names and addresses in accounts (STILL), repair info for the e-reader, customer support with verizon, car insurance quotes, and so it goes on and on and on. they're important things and Andy is all kinds of grateful that I take care of these kinds of things.

but still ... four and half hours sitting on my couch. I got up to do my hair cause we're going to my freshman reunion tonight and when I walked back into the living room, there's this glorious window with beautiful trees and fall sunshine and fresh air on the other side. and then I remember, like I do every day, that I would much rather have spent the last four hours outside.

I think I put myself to work everyday (to varying degrees, which usually involves ignoring the dishes. I think we both hate the dishes.) and it is important to get things done, but for goodness sake, they'll get done. if it's important, I know I'll take care of it. and if they're not important, and it doesn't get done, then who cares? it's not important.

I'm going to plan out my empty days (which are few-ish anyway) with things that feel like luxuries, like indulgences, like taking the day off of work. I'm going to do the campus tree tour, I'm going to wander with my camera, go spice shopping at winco, bake yummy things and eat them!, play music outside and write more more more things like poems and stories and observations. I'm going to fix my purple skirt and put those boxes of books on the bookshelf and make a yoga bolster and do my Charley Harper puzzle and maybe do those dishes. and hey, maybe half of those things are things that "need to be done" anyway, but it doesn't matter.

the nyquil adventure

try as I might, this has turned into one of those things I feel vaguely guilty about, so I avoid it. kind of like when I go to write in my journal after a writing drought and realize there are so many things I haven't talked about that are important to me, that I want to have written down, but getting it all down is a little tedious.

I've been sick the last couple of days with a nasty sore throat, some aches and pains, and fatigue. stopped off at target last night and picked up a humidifier, vicks vaporub, and nyquil (which I had never had before). we had to show ID to buy the nyquil, which surprised me a little. we get home and andy's opening the humidifier and I'm opening the nyquil and I say, "do people try to get high off of nyquil??" cause the package said something about parents knowing what teenagers are up to. and he says "yes ... there's alcohol in it." then I was reading the medical warnings bit on the side and say "it can cause liver damage??" and he says "yes ... there's alcohol in it." haha I really don't know a thing about nyquil, except that it makes you sleepy sleepy. but seriously - how many freaking nyquils would you have to take to get high? (the internet tells me only six.) I took them (only 2), I slept pretty soundly until 11, and Andy did too. he's probably trying to fight off whatever it is I have and have surely already given him.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, which is lovely. I recently finished a book of Scottish short stories that I picked up in, surprise, Scotland. Still working on the Discovery of France. Started and finished the Wisdom of Crowds. Andy's working on my Kazuo Ishiguro book right now, so I'm reading Gilead by Marilynne Robinson that Andy's mom picked up for us at the library event - she's coming to speak there, soon, if not already. It's written as an old, rural pastor's journal, or letter, to his very young son, since the man is likely to die soon from a heart condition. Here are some of the quotes that I've liked, that struck me this afternoon while I read on the couch and let my fingernails dry.

"Now, your mother never talks about herself, really, and she never admits to having felt any sort of grief in her life at all. That's her courage, her pride, and I know you will be respectful of it, and remember at the same time that a very, very great gentleness is called for, a great kindness. Because no one ever has that sort of courage who hasn't needed it."

"Not deciding is really one of the two choices that are available to me, so decision must be allowed its moment, too. That is, as behavior, not deciding to act would be identical with deciding not to act."

"He treats words as if they were actions. He doesn't listen to the meaning of words, the way other people do. He just decides whether they are hostile, and how hostile they are. He decides whether they threaten him or injure him, and he reacts at that level. If he reads chastisement into anything you say, it's as if you had taken a shot at him. As if you had nicked his ear."

"There's a pattern in these Commandments of setting things apart so that their holiness can be perceived. Every day is holy, but the Sabbath is set apart so that the holiness of time can be experienced. Every human being is worthy of honor, but the conscious discipline of honor is learned from this setting apart of the mother and father, who usually labor and are heavy-laden, and may be cranky or stingy or ignorant or over-bearing. Believe me, I know this can be a hard Commandment to keep. But I believe also that the rewards of obedience are great, because at the root of real honor is always the sense of the sacredness of the person who is its object."

next post is about the wedding, probably the first of several. get excited :)

new video!

wrote this about six months ago, but just got it roughly recorded

it's still untitled

Untitled from tina verbena on Vimeo.

mrs

oh hey, remember that time when I was alive and the internets knew about it?

...

naw, I don't remember either.

but hey, guess what, internets?

I gots married!!!

sorry, now I'm just teasing you.

here are our happily wedded faces:

ta da!

wabbits?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day.

when I told him that the one thing I want

more than a dog

is a bunny,

he said:

"You don't know very much about bunnies, do you?"

fact: bunnies need high-quality greens.

being cheap and feeding it iceberg lettuce

will give your bunny the runs.

fact: this giant bunny is legit.

17 pounds, 3 feet

FOR REAL

lunch fiasco

today at lunch, I got a bit of a late start eating. I usually meet up with Andy for lunch, but he had a work lunch thing-y. I noodled about on the internet for a bit, then went out to my car to try and call the bureaucracy about my healthcare. I made a misstep on the electronic voice answering on the call and got stuck in a robot-repetitive loop that just kept repeating the same question. so I hung up and called again. eventually got to a person, who told me that I had to call a different number, which I wrote down and didn't call because my lunch hour was already half-way over.

I was on my way down Hollis when I spied the Doc's Buns truck chilling at the lunch truck spot by Novartis. I had previously assumed this lunch truck sold hotdogs, since, well, it's called doc's buns and it has a picture of a dog on it, and the truck is a lovely burnt-red hotdog color. I decide to loop around and try it, since I'm short on time and Andy never wants to try the hotdog truck. I walk up to look at the menu and nary a hotdog in sight - but there's a bag lunch deal for a yummy sounding burger with fries and a drink, so I step right up and order the classic burger (no tomato) like a pro. and the food fiasco begins.

the guy in line in front of me had just ordered the last burger. well, since the menu was sparse, I got a little sassy when I asked what else they had. they had a black bean burger (?) or a chicken salad sandwich. I ordered the chicken salad sandwich to substitute into the bag lunch deal. cashier girl consults with sandwich prep girl. no can do - the sandwich is pricier than the burger, so I dish out 12.50 for a sandwich I don't really even want, but lunch hour is ticking away and I don't have a lot of options. (p.s. my chicken salad was the last one. it wasn't even 12.45 - how do they profess to serve lunch when they only have black bean burgers left before one o'clock??) I get the food, I grab some of the homemade ketchup, get in my car and book it back to the office.

I only have about ten minutes to eat, so I get scarfing as soon as I'm back at my desk. the sandwich is full of giant pecans and giant green grapes. there's hardly any chicken to it, comparatively. the pecans were alright. I do not like green grapes. I particularly do not like giant green grapes. the sandwich was on some yummy bread, but little bread, that didn't hardly contain itself - the entire contents flew out of it onto my desk. I picked out what chicken and celery I could find and ate the bread. I put the other half in the fridge because I'd already had to wipe my desk three times and my fingers four.

lunch was nearing its end, so I dumped the fries into a bowl to snack on while I went back to work. the fries were yummy! but just about all of them were no bigger than half an inch. I remembered seeing sandwich prep girl scraping at the pan for the last fries of the batch. at least they tasted good - well spiced, and the homemade ketchup was actually good, too. I've spent fifteen minutes eating out the biggest fries I can find when I accidentally nudged the ketchup, whose little plastic cup flew nimbly and landed upside down on the carpet, bounced, and came to rest under my desk. there were ketchup splats in a two-foot radius, on carpet, cubicle walls, boxes, and cabinets.

that's when I decided I'd better hurry up and finish this martinelli's before I dump it all over my keyboard.

verdict: Doc's Buns - yummy. would like to try the classic cheeseburger, which actually looked delicious as I watched them cook it up for the guy in front of me. I'll just say I caught them (and they caught me) on an off day.

it's so fluffy i'm gonna die

OH MY HOLY GOODNESS

I CAN HAZ ONE???

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

http://imgur.com/7OejU

berkeley ward talent show

I played and sang 'Eli the Barrow Boy' (the Decemberists) at the

Berkeley University ward talent show, which is actually the same

thing I played and sang at the Pittsburgh YSA ward talent show.

I told Murphy I didn't need the microphone, but he insisted on holding it there.

turns out it wasn't even on. told him I didn't need it :) ...

then Andy played 'Easter Song'

we hadn't warmed up together, but I sang with him anyway.

turns out that tight throat muscles from nervousness

works out alright with my range for the Decemberists,

but not so well with high wispy backups for Andy.

I like this one a lot :)

I love how pleased we look, and also the bit of hesitation,

of seeing how it's been received.

I think it captures well the emotional vulnerability

of sharing music, because you're sharing yourself too.

thanks to carol hogan for the photography

she's great :)

pictures yay!

I haven't taken many pictures but I finally uploaded them.

tada!

plane ride to san francisco to visit andy for his birthday

birthday! homemade pound cake with strawberries & whipped cream.

made by yours truly.

he's excited :)

the sunset we watched go down standing on the golden gate bridge.

picture of the other side of the bridge, towards east bay.

(picture I was snapping while andy tied my shoe,

right before he asked me to marry him)

right after I said yes :)

me and mom about to begin our cross-country road trip

pretty country

origami easter bunnies (thanks betsy, for the idea)

now I can finally say what's been going on

hi kids.

do you remember that time when I used to write stuff on here? yeah, me too.

guess what? a billion important crazy things happened! and I didn't tell you because I was keeping it all under wraps sos I could surprise andy's family with the news ...

but now it's all happened (and past happening, actually, I've just been too busy to write) and now I can tell you :)

I left grad school. I resigned from winter term, quit my jobs, packed up my stuff, left half of it in pittsburgh and took the other half in my little honda back to my house in virginia and then all the way across the country to california. my momma drove with me across virginia, tennessee (pretty pretty tennessee), arkansas, oklahoma, texas, new mexico, and utah. we spent a weekend with celesta and company in utah valley, and then andy drove with me through nevada to california. I found an apartment with great girls who needed a roommate. I found a job that is not nearly as good as I'd hoped, but it pays well, so I can stay until I no longer need to stay. and I found an andy here waiting for me.

I embarked. I arrived. I started another adventure.

sometimes it's surreal to think that this is where I am and it seems so crazy that I'm an adult and I do stuff. I make decisions and then I act on them. I ask God what I should do and then I'm brave and I do it. even when it's kind of crazy and a little bit scary and unexpected.

but still, everything makes so much sense. and concurrently, no sense at all. there's still so many unanswered questions, yet always the understanding that I don't need all of the answers right now.

I'm in love. I am so completely in love. it makes everything brighter and sharper and more alive, and fogged out and insignificant at the same time.

isn't it so funny and fantastic that this is my life?

it was awesome, and then it got awesomer

andy got a totoro hat for his birthday!

and then we got engaged :)

not a bad jaunt, I'd say :)

a jaunt

tomorrow, I am getting on an airplane, again.

in a dress, of course.

to visit this place, for the very first time:

where I will see my very favorite person

who I haven't seen in far too long.

I will try to remember to take pictures.

dreamblog minipost

this dream had angelina jolie in it, which is weird, because I can't stand her. she was tricked into capture by none other than brad pitt. she was sitting on a cot with another woman. she had on red lipstick (of course). another woman was standing in front of her next to the cot her head was out of the frame, because it was like a movie in my head she was on the side of the captors, was wearing a brown small houndstooth skirt suit, holding a large sheaf of papers or a book, not sure which.

then, fast as lightning, jolie snatches one of the papers in her arms, which is brown like parcel paper, and in a whir, folds it into a little dart thing, like a tiny paper airplane, and throws it at the suit woman's chest. it sticks her and she bleeds. jolie grabs another paper and folds speed-quick again. the woman turns and walks away, towards me/the screen. jolie throws the 2nd dart at her back and the woman falls over dead. then there was a totally bizarre part with this cartoon bear dressed in a wonderwoman costume ... ?

um, yeah.

final reverb

prompt 22: travel. how did you travel in 2010? how and/or where would you like to travel next year?

- I went to: the outer banks, seattle, vermont, pittsburgh, and utah lots of times. by plane much more than usual. and I drove across the country. went through oregon and washington, idaho, montana, north dakota, minnesota, wisconsin, michigan, ohio and pa.

- this year, I would like to travel by plane, train, & automobile. I'd like to visit san francisco. I'd like to go somewhere I've never been. I plan to travel lots, but less than last year.

prompt 23: new name. let's meet again, for the first time. if you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be?

- this would probably change from day to day, but today it would be Ivy Underwood.

prompt 24: everything's ok. what was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? and how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

- when I've felt most peaceful, confident, and happy - in making decisions and feeling good about them. continue to trust and move forward in faith.

prompt 25: photo. a present to yourself. sift through all the photos of you from the past year. choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]

charlie, lake michigan.

prompt 26: soul food. what did you eat this year that you will never forget? what went into your mouth and touched your soul?

- pastorero tacos al pastor and chorizo and horchata

prompt 27: ordinary joy. our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. what was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

- doing things with andy - grocery shopping, learning binary, watching good movies, talking late into the night, driving, reading, singing, just holding hands.

prompt 28: defining moment. describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

- I thought about wanting to learn to play the guitar.

- but guitars are expensive.

- I thought that ukuleles were cheap and also awesome.

- I asked for a ukulele for christmas.

- I got one.

- I learned a few songs.

- it was awesome.

- andy started hanging out at my apartment.

- he asked me to play for him.

- I did.

- and then it occurred to him that something needed to be done. like date me.

- and so he did!

prompt 29: gift. this month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. what's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

- my 2 foot plush totoro. it is winful. see?

reverb 3 !!!

sorry if the reverb posts are boring ...

they'll soon be over :)

prompt 12 : body integration. when did you feel the most integrated with your body? did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

- lake michigan

prompt 13: action. when it comes to aspirations, it's not about ideas. it's about making ideas happen. what's your next step?

- steps are in the works. to be disclosed at a later date.

prompt 14: appreciate. what's one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? how do you express gratitude for it?

- knowing that everything is going to be okay. I express gratitude by living more fully and by trying to be kind to myself.

prompt 15: five minutes. imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

- I felt safe, brave, strong, powerful, soft, and kind.

- I felt peace, growth, fear, confidence, assurance, more fear, and reassurance.

- I fell in love.

- I had fun and adventures. hard times, too. lots of talks and shenanigans and new things.

- I had a vacation.

- I graduated.

- I trusted.

- it worked out fine. more than fine. better than I could have imagined.

prompt 16: friendship. how has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

- this spring and summer I had a lot of kind friends that sort of just ... cared about me. some were roommates. some were sisters I visit taught. I slipped out of myself and just felt at home with these friends who just loved me for some reason, just because I was me.

prompt 17: lesson learned. what was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? and how will you apply that lesson going forward?

- it is good enough to be christina. it is just good enough to be me. I don't have to be anything more than that. people who think I should be more than that are just wrong.

- I will use this knowledge to keep re-teaching myself that it's true, to re-convince myself of the other truths that go along with it - it's hard to remember and oh so easy to slip back into the negative thought patterns and lies. but this truth will guide the process of change and progress as I become more fully aware of myself and my goodness and shed the things I do not need or want that are weighing me down.

prompt 18: try. what do you want to try next year? is there something you wanted to try in 2010? what happened when you did/didn't go for it?

- I've wanted to try outdoors-ness for a long time. I still haven't made it a complete part of my lifestyle like I want to, but I'll say that part of that is winter. I tried backpacking and rock-climbing, both things I've wanted to get into, and did some camping and more hiking. it was fun :) I want to do more.

- I want to really try yoga - for real this time. I'm beginning this with a 8 class-pass my parents gave me for my birthday for Schoolhouse Yoga, a great yoga studio with several branches in Pittsburgh. so far, I've tried 3 different kinds of yoga - it's nice to have a sampling and find out what works best for me and what I enjoy the most.

prompt 19: healing. what healed you this year? was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? how would you like to be healed in 2011?

- one thing: it was a sudden healing, almost an epiphany. I realized something within myself, and instantly I felt free and so happy. it certainly wasn't from me alone, though. the completeness of the healing certainly came from Christ.

- all the other things: a drip-by-drip evolution, taking time as I go through the process of just realizing what it is I need to heal from, and how. I still feel a long way from healing completely, but the peace of the process helps encourage me when the depth and complication of it all gets over-whelming.

prompt 20: beyond avoidance. what should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (bonus: will you do it?)

- I didn't eat very well or take good care of my body. (though I did better than I have in the past) these are things I'm working on, but it's going to take a stronger commitment to myself. progress will come through small and simple changes, but I haven't decided on the specifics yet. perhaps I will keep you posted.

prompt 21: future self. imagine yourself five years from now. what advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?

- take care of yourself. be kind to yourself. don't feel guilty about doing it.

women love to be celebrated - thoughts on worth & identity in a modern world

here's the post I wrote over at gemseekers, the collaboration blog I contribute to:

this is, firstly, an apology for my missing december post :/ and my pledge to post twice in january, to make up for it. time got away from me, as usual. but I’m sitting here sick in bed for the last couple days and finally had some ideas coming together for a post.

I was reading an interview of a famous french photographer/artist/fashion-person/art-museum-curator, etc. I won’t even bother to mention who it actually is because anything you would find online about him is not something I would want to share (not gems, that’s for sure). it gave me little confidence in the morality and quality of modern art exhibits when I saw that he’s a curator for the paris MOMA.

well, here’s the excerpt of the interview that I wanted to talk about. the 2 voices will be referred to as INT for interviewer and GUY for the guy he’s interviewing.

GUY: Every man should be a playboy, no? It’s the nature of man, right?

INT: I don’t know, my wife might have something to say about that.

GUY: Every man should celebrate and seduce women because women love to be celebrated and seduced.

wow. the attitudes of this guy, the things that shape the ‘truth’ and reality of his life, were sad to me, let alone the way he completely brushed off the interviewer’s rather timid and legitimate concern about the feelings of women, especially the women that men have commitments to. not to mention right and wrong.

women love to be celebrated for who they are – which are divine daughters of God with infinite inherent worth that has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that they are royalty, despite appearances, or even behaviors. we are what we are, something that the adversary tries so hard (and often succeeds) to make us forget.

elder ballard said it so well:

“It is, unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines, and slink across the movie screens – all while being celebrated by the world.

Popular culture today often makes women look silly, inconsequential, mindless, and powerless. It objectifies them and disrespects them and then suggests that they are able to leave their mark on mankind only by seduction – easily the most pervasively dangerous message the adversary sends to women about themselves.”

many women today think they are empowering themselves by being immodest and immoral. human physicality and sexuality is an important part of our eternal identity, but it’s not the only thing worth pursuing, or that makes us valuable, or the only thing we can give to the world. it’s a sad vicious cycle that they’re trying to gain respect and worth by abusing themselves, by agreeing with lies, and expecting and encouraging those attitudes in and treatment from men.

in addition, I then find many latter-day saint women fighting that image - of silly, inconsequential, mindless, and powerless – by focusing on disproving those things through a priority of worldly success. I have often struggled myself with giving up that tug-of-war with Satan and the world. they’re not going to listen to me. but I can testify through my actions and who I am. I can make my priorities celestial and focus on proving myself to me and my Heavenly Father, which is really the only opinion that matters.

BYU Women’s Resource Center has had an excellent ongoing campaign this year about Recapturing and Redefining Beauty, as well as supporting women with eating disorders, loved ones of those who struggle with pornography and sex addictions, reproductive health, and combating violence against women – which you may think is something of third world countries and ages past, but is a prevalent, pervasive problem of gender attitudes and behaviors right here and now. check them out: http://byuwsr.blogspot.com/

it’s hard, because you can’t live in neutrality. if you don’t know about your true identity, it’s hard to just be neutral about your worth, because you either know the truth, or you believe the horrible lies that satan has spread throughout society about our worth. which makes it all the more important for people to know. I approve! of positive movements both inside and outside of religion that are trying to combat negative self-worth and self-image.

and you know, just knowing the truth isn’t enough – as I have learned. you have to be actively reaffirming to yourself your true worth, or you suddenly realize that you really believe some of those lies. I never thought I had problems with self-esteem until I realized how hard it was to even consider some of the truths as compared to the lies I believe(d).

the gem here is that we can know the truth and continually reaffirm it. prophets have revealed and the spirit will confirm the divine worth and purpose of each of us, men and women alike. we can ask God how he feels about us and then strive to live that and remember that every day. we can ask Him as often as we need to, and He will tell us again just how much we mean to Him. speak out where you can, men and women. share those truths. build others up. and if people won’t listen, share it through the way you live.

thoughtful and hopeful,

Em(erald)

hope you enjoyed my thoughts. or at least that they make you think a little bit. I'll be putting my monthly (and this month, bimonthly) posts for gemseekers up here, too. feel free to check out the other contributors' posts - they have a lot of insight and good things to share.

reverb part two

prompt 4 - wonder. how did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

+

I ... asked a lot of questions ??

prompt 5 - let go. what (or whom) did you let go of this year? why?

+

I let go of - people holding me responsible for making sure that everything goes perfectly for them, or rather, when not everything goes perfectly for them.

I let go of - consequently holding myself responsible for perfection

I let go of - worrying (to some extent)

I let go of - needing to control everything (it's a start, anyway)

it's a process, but I'm learning to let go.

prompt 6 - make. what was the last thing you made? what materials did you use? is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

+

the last thing I made were christmas presents for my dad, my older brothers and my sister carolyn. I made some prints of pictures that I took, then trimmed them to the abnormal ikea frame size for my brothers and dad. then I took 3 different card-sized prints and mounted them to make a card set for carolyn.

I want to make another cupcake paper garland for a friend. and some handmade birthday cards, both personalized and more generic. I want to make a mandala, using various mediums I haven't chosen yet but also andy's old guitar strings. I want to finish the drawing stories I've started, including edgar mortimer. I want to stain my dresser and do more drawings and start various notebooks of different kinds of creative ideas, inspiration boards of sorts. I want to re-learn (for at least the 4th time) how to knit. I want to make a lot of things.

prompt 7 - community. where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? what community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

+

community in 2010

1-the french house in the spring

2-my roommates here in pittsburgh

community in 2011

1-a book club or discussion group

prompt 8 - beautifully different. think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

+

my laugh

my capricious word-hatreds (and loves)

my love of all things small, like spoons and cups

my handwriting

my passion and compassion

my style and my ability to own it (read: rock it)

my sincerity

my voice

my heart

prompt 9 - party. what social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

+

rob & leilani's wedding

people - andy's family & leilani's friends

music - gentle, slightly folkish acoustic and loud party 80s but not gross 80s music

food - yummy potatoes, jarlsberg, that's all I remember

drink - great quirky sodas

clothes - awesome dresses all around ... libby was hot stuff, suzy's dress was amazing, my dress was vintage and superb :)

shenanigans - playing the water glasses, then continuing to play the water glasses long after it had passed the threshold of annoyance; sneaking off to sing in the inn while andy played his guitar; the jarlsberg, oh the heavenly jarlsberg; dinging on the glasses to make rob & lani kiss - all night long

prompt 10 - wisdom. what was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

+

my wisest decision was to keep dating andy when I wasn't entirely sure about it. wise because it was trusting things other than me. and following the inspiration I know best - my intuitive, gut feelings - rather than my logic. best decision of my life.

prompt 11 - things. what are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? how will you go about eliminating them? how will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

+

1 - estrangement ... write write write - notes, emails, texts. because calling can be too hard, but writing is heartfelt and easy and always appreciated.

2 - inactivity ... choose an exercise I enjoy and practice it - hiking, yoga, swimming, the like

3 - distraction ... meditate on a regular basis

4 - self-hatred ... tell myself I am beautiful every every day

5 - poor eating ... decide what healthy changes I need to make and work on incorporating just one of them (to start) into what I eat and the way I eat it

6 - stagnation ... read new books, write new words, sing new songs

7 - doom & gloom about the future ... find something to enjoy every day and when planning the future out, always end on the note of something positive that can work out

8 - ignorance ... subscribe to a newspaper or news magazine or news feed or something to be informed about what's going on in the world

9 -

10 -

11 -

... I can't think of 11 things

reverb 10 - part 1

reverb10 is a series of prompts (technically to be done each day in december of last year) to reflect on 2010. I'm a little behind :) but I'd still like to do it, especially since I haven't set aside much time to think about the last year and the coming one.

prompt 1 - one word. encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

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each year I choose a word for the year as a goal, a focus, rather than a resolution, so this prompt fits nicely :) the word I chose for 2010 was joy, and in retrospect, it is the word I would choose to describe the year. I met and dated the love of my life. I learned so many things about myself. I removed a lot of misconceptions and embraced a lot more truths. and all of this brought me deep joy.

I've had a hard time choosing a word for 2011, though. I'm not sure what I want to focus on - there seem to be so many things that need addressing. but the word I choose for this year is patience. patience with being away from andy for another half of a year. patience with people who misunderstand me. patience with myself, most of all. and I hope, at the end of it all, that patience leads to a 2011 of growth, courage, deeper trust and commitment, and trimming back everything to the most essential - to taking care of myself and building back up.

prompt 2 - writing. what do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

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I don't write - that's the problem. I get all kinds of ideas that I jot down, but I don't ever give myself the go-ahead to develop them, to actually let things flow out of me to create a story. I won't have time to write every day, but I want to give myself once a week where I have to sit and write for 20 minutes straight. it doesn't have to be anything good. it just has to be.

prompt 3 - moment. pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

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the wind is swift and boisterous, unlike the water, which is very simply alive, patient, routinely churned by the motors of the ferry. the night air of the sound is brisk, an intimate third party to this moment, rushing in and over and around us both, swirling through my dress, and my hair, and into my eyes as I look back over the water. it is lit up by the moon in a glorious pathway of choppy little waves back to the lights of seattle. looking at the city across the expanse of dark is like watching someone that you can no longer see as you drive away. he is tall and warm next to me, and he holds me tight, my head against his chest, the texture of wool comforting on my cheek. it isn't cold, his body breaking the wind around us as we both look back across the sound. the light spills out from the ferry behind us, stretching toward our ankles, reaching out to us in the dark, but it can't touch us. everything is crisp. everything is right.

soundtrack of 2010

tables and chairs --- andrew bird

nantes --- beirut

all is full of love --- bjork

23 --- blonde redhead

razzle dazzle rose --- camera obscura

eli the barrow boy --- the decemberists

palmistry --- great lake swimmers

resurrection fern --- iron & wine

new slang --- the shins

boy lilikoi --- jonsi

the meter marks ok --- loney, dear

robot unplugged --- marina and the diamonds

born on a train --- the magnetic fields

terrible love --- the national

this tornado loves you --- neko case

du og meg --- of montreal

folding chair --- regina spektor

illgresi --- sigur ros

birchwood beaker --- this is the kit

mlk --- u2

horchata --- vampire weekend

when you go away --- the weepies

wordle makes me think of girdle

a wordle production of the most common words

on all of my blog posts of 2010.

my favorite word combinations that jump out are:

love back

backpacking time

try things

oh andy

want job

just okay

good heart

sweet bed

clothes needed

totally awesome

become anything

beautiful sometimes

lovely still

people care

more "new year's" type posts to come

I've been making my way through google reader

and seen some inspiring approaches

and been reminded of things I was going to write

... so I'll write them :)

when I don't need to be in class

or working

or sleeping

so I can get up at

ungodly hours

to go to work.

old & new

old - ronnie the mazda is finally kicked to the curb. the towers took it away last night to be donated and I don't ever have to worry about it again.

new - dad found me a little silver honda :) I like it very very much. it needs a name.

old - book, les contes d'amadou koumba, finally gets finished. the last story in it has the rhyme I memorized part of at governor's school, so it was cool to rediscover where that came from:

ecoute dans le vent le buisson en sanglots c'est le souffle des ancetres

(listen in the wind the sobbing bush it is the breath of the ancestors)

new - book, the hunger games, which I started yesterday and read 10 straight chapters. I could easily have finished it last night, but I had to get up for work, so I showed great discipline and went to bed.

old - cleaned out the refrigerator. sort of. the spinach had to go.

new - tried a new soup, trader joe's sweet potato bisque. it was yummy.

old - time to put the christmas decorations away. I want to try to do it before all of my roommates get back from break. if I can muster the energy to do something so depressing during an already difficult time.

new - year. it's 2011. I have a lot of hopes for this year. and a lot of trepidation, too - because where there are high hopes, there is potential for devastating disappointments.

here's hoping for the very very best :)

happy new year