already devoured a whole box of pims

I'm all settled in to my new dorm. I still think we should switch the furniture around, but we haven't got around to it yet. or maybe we just haven't got around to talking to each other yet, cause french is just a little bit scary. well, we're a little bit scary. I'm supposed to be hanging out with michelle tonight, going over to her dorm and helping her unpack. haha that could take all night. I'm just excited to be able to talk to her again. you know I hate talking on the phone. it's just not the same thing. 

I'm doomed to always fail when it comes to work. I didn't get my I-9 form in on time, I was 30 minutes late to job training. I really need to get it together. I randomly saw stephan in the wilk while I was trying to find where I was supposed to be for job training. it was kind of surreal. he was just sitting in the advisement center lobby and I was passing in the hall. but I stopped and looked at him through the glass and he looked up at me. it was weird. like we were looking at each other from across some time divide. maybe it's just cause I'm not used to seeing him here.

it's nice to know that I have people I can do stuff with here, now. not like the beginning of last year when we all stayed in our dorms and browsed facebook for hours because we didn't know anybody. I'm chilling with michelle tonight, I need to get together with david, and I promised tavis I'd call, and stephan. and I talked to this guy nick last night. it was pretty random, but I was very proud of my ease and conversation. he's cool. I met a couple other guys who passed through the common room while I was playing the piano. then they heard me play some pretty sweet runs in the nocturne and came back to see what I was playing and who I was. that song is just so amazingly beautiful. it creates emotions where there aren't any. it makes air tangible. sometimes I think music is like tai chi. it channels the surrounding energy of matter.

my roommate's name is stephanie. she is very tall. she forgot my name, which was hilarious! I'm sure if I'd been the one forgetting, it would have been very embarrassing, but it was just really funny. I think we're going to turn out to be a good pair. we aren't talking much right now, but I think we share a lot of interests and she's not annoying at all and I'm not pms-ing, so there's no barrier like me and meesh had last year. we'll see.

the walk from campus to my dorm is horrendous. I really need to get the bus thing figured out. but bus passes cost more than a hundred bucks. that bites. I bought my books, school supplies, lunch, and groceries today, and I did not use a single plastic bag. hooray for ikea bags. they kill your shoulders, though.

I miss erik. byu is not byu without him.

picture blog - vacation

there was a group of mennonites? at ober-gatlinburg

and sitting among them, there but apart, I felt like I wanted 

to be dressed like them and speaking their language and loving life

I felt like I was missing something

on my hike. it was absolutely wonderful.

here goes nothing

I put an ad on craigslist. I've never done that before. in fact, I've never even looked at craigslist before. but, I love to sing and I'd really like to do it with other people not in a choir and not at church. I mean, that's all well and good, but it's not enough. I got two responses, one's a group called burning olympus and they kind of suck. but the other is this guy who it turns out is really awesome. ben (hi) rigged up this rudimentary recording studio in his house and I sang a few covers, cause I haven't written any of my own music yet, and I put them online if you'd like to take a listen. I was worried that my taste and sound wasn't what he was looking for, but he was really enthusiastic and complimentary, so I'm going to make music with this guy, tavis, and I'm really really excited! this is a first in a lot of ways and I'm confident that it's going to be fun. I hope we turn out to be friends.

I'm starting to get excited and nervous for school. I got my job schedule all worked out and even though computers aren't my specific skill, I'm a quick learner and I don't think it'll be too hard. I'm excited for my classes and everything, but once again, nervous about meeting people and making friends. and the french house. I haven't spoken french all summer and I'm worried that I'm all out of practice. but I just have to keep repeating to myself that it'll be fine, that I've already done the whole roommate thing and I've already done the immersion thing. it's going to be wonderful! (repeat repeat repeat) 

one thing I'm glad of from my job this summer is that it's become easier to talk to people, strangers, just to smile at people. I'm hoping to approach life and people with less fear and more openness this school year. and when it gets tough, I'm going to kick myself out of my room and go DO something. I'm tired of life going past me and of myself making it happen that way. I'm the only one who can change things. and just cause I'll be in utah doesn't mean I can't make the best of it. here goes nothing.

lyrics ... maybe

sometimes I imagine you, love.

so tangible I can feel your fingertips

reach out to graze my own

but I've never felt more alone

cause the vision soon unravels

you're just a disembodied hand

a dream is all I've ever known

and I've never been more alone

sometimes I feel the whisper

of your lips against my ear

and you promise that you're mine

and everything's going to be fine

and you're just a faceless void

but I feel the ridge of your nose

like an old friend on my cheek

I've never felt so weak

and the small of my back was made

for the gentle pressure of your hand

your disembodied hand

and I hear your breath beside me

softly sleeping in my bed

get out of my head

sometimes I feel your eyes

on the back of my neck

and I tell myself that you're near

that you're finally almost here

and I'm turning in circles

searching faces through the crowd

and it's finally becoming clear

that you're never gonna get here

and the small of my back was made

for the gentle pressure of your hand

your disembodied hand

and I hear your breath beside me

softly sleeping in my bed

get out of my head

you're in my head, love. you're only in my head.

story - later

She opened the door to the rain and a familiar frame dripping on the step. Her mouth hardened into a line. "Why are you here?"
"Well. I had this girlfriend, but she left me for some reason. I never figured out if she was trying to be noble or ... or if it was just me. And I just see her everywhere. She was wonderful. I can't go anywhere, I can't walk my dog, I can't buy toilet paper, I can't listen to a single goddamn song without hearing her, feeling her. I'm not even sure she exists anymore." She chewed her lip and blinked in silence. "Why are you here?"
"I live here."
"Ah." He nodded bitterly. Her face hardened and she stepped out into the downpour.
"You listen to me. I don't have to hear this. I don't have to answer to you. I already gave you all the answers I have, and if that's not enough, I don't know what to tell you anymore. I don't know what you want me to do!"
"My god, Nadia!" He stepped closer to her. "I can't just wait here for you to pull your shit together! I love you." He watched her eyes fill and spill out onto her cheeks. It was impossible to tell which rivulets came from her eyes and which from the rain. He reached his hands up to hold her face. She looked up at him with a flooded but steady gaze. "I can't do this," he whispered, and then kissed her hard.

... tennessee

apologies for the prolonged leave of absence. I've been on vacation in tennessee where I'm supposed to have internet access, but there's something wrong with their router. besides, I haven't had much time after full days of packed action and nights of watching movies and the olympics. so far, we've been to ripley's aquarium, great smoky mountains national park, and dollywood. I'll admit, I've had attitude. I've been pissy for no reason. but the funniest part is when I've been all mad and my dad's all confused and then I'm not mad and then he's again confused. how am I supposed to say that I felt like being mad, and now I'm all done?

I don't know, tennessee's not too bad, it's pretty. I'd just much rather be in vermont. and I think it's hilarious that we come all the way here to do all this stuff when we could go to the baltimore aquarium or the maryland science center, spend a day hiking and skyline drive, and king's dominion. minus the southern accents. the only thing I really wanted to do on this vacation was go hiking and it's the only thing my family has managed to patently avoid. a whole day in a national park and they wouldn't go hiking. instead, I am forced to participate in the massive enterprise of hypersensory stimulation for the sake of ... what? stifling the beautiful reality of the world? or ... enjoying southern culture and country music? both are awful. I might not ever take my kids to amusement parks. they're dirty and there's too many people and you waste most of your day being miserable waiting for a brief minute of manufactured fun. I have to go back again tomorrow. I might just ride the train all day.

I rented dan in real life and peter jackson's king kong from the registration office here at the resort. dan in real life was quite good - I laughed a lot and I love juliette binoche. I even liked steve carell in every aspect of his role except lover. it was just kind of weird. for some reason, it didn't fit him. king kong was also excellent. it was really long of course, but really good. it never felt too long. mom was skeptical of all of peter jackson's creature/monster scenes, but I thought it was well done. the only extraneous scene was the pit of giant insects. adrien brody was perfect. naomi watts was very convincing. it was hard to believe she was doing all of that interacting with nothing, or andy serkis, who looks kind of creepy. she is very lovely, but I can't figure out how these women manage to get so skinny in some places and keep all the meat in the right places. it must be exhausting. jack black was ... jack black. I don't know who played the ship's captain, but he had very nice eyes. the best part of it was how well peter captured the emotion of king kong, how you got to see how ann(e?) connected with him. how he was more than a savage animal. that probably sounds really obvious and stupid, but king kong movies have always been awful, so this was excellent. and poignant. my favorite part was when anne mistook the sound guy for jack driscoll. or maybe my favorite part was just jack driscoll.

story - why are you here?

"Why are you here?"

"Well, my girlfriend broke up with me about a year ago, but we live in the same city and she's dating someone else and I just see her everywhere. I mean, it's no surprise, she was wonderful.  I just ... just needed to take a break for a bit, see something other than his hand on her waist." His fingers had begun to unconsciously toy with the biscuits sitting on his plate. By the time he'd glanced up to catch the poignant look in her eyes, it was a war zone of shortbread casualties and streaks of jelly blood adhering crumbs to the plate. "Why are you here?"

"My sister's going on vacation and I'm house-sitting. I didn't want to get in their way while they're packing, so I got a hotel for the couple days before they leave." She slipped a new biscuit onto his plate.

"They?"

"Her husband. It's their anniversary."

"Ah." He nodded knowingly and took a sip of his tea.

She looked bemused. "What does that mean? Ah."

"Means I see. I see that there's going to be way more vintage wine than you can handle yourself, and that you're going to be dreadfully lonely with only a couple house plants and the cat for company."

She took the biscuit back and replied coyly, "Not quite. It's a dog, too many houseplants for me to kill, a private beach ... and a stranger." They drank their eye emotions somberly.

"Must he be strange?"

"Absolutely. Anyone normal would overwater the plants and try to knock me out with cheap liquor and get me in bed.  A stranger is the only man I can trust."

now is all there is

Years and years

of dreaming big,

of adults telling me that I will be

amazing.

Hours and hours

of writing, reading, playing

saying

     I'm going to be ---

           I'm going to do ---

                I'm going to go ---

what? where?

In a way, I don't care

anymore.

I've spent my life

planning, preparing.

over-bearing my mind.

after this, I'll do that

after that, then this

then what?

I know this life, only.

and I'm afraid I'll spend

hours planning and years waiting

for something that will never happen

because I didn't know that 

now is all there is.

and if I feel tomorrow like I feel today

can we just stop thinking for a moment and be spontaneous? 

can I pack a bag and get on a plane, 

walk down the terminal and walk away? 

away to whatever I've dreamt the future will be, 

to people and places that were meant for me. 

can I make my life and take what's mine? 

it isn't much, but I'll claim my rights where I can. 

and right now, this day, I just want to go away. 

grab some extra socks and all of my cash 

and taste the dust of somewhere other than here. 

and if I don't talk to you for a year 

don't worry, I'm fine. 

you're not listening in the right places, 

looking behind the right faces.

they haven't sent my ashes back to you yet, 

I don't think there's much for you to concern yourself with. 

cause if I stay here any longer, you could still talk to me, 

but there's no guarantee

that I'll answer you.

(me)

so you've been where I've just come

from the land that brings losers on

so we will share this road we walk

and mind our mouths and beware our talk

til peace we find tell you what I'll do

all the things I own I will share with you

and if I feel tomorrow like I feel today

we'll take what we want and give the rest away

strangers on this road we are on

we are not two we are one

so where are you going to I don't mind

if I live too long I'm afraid I'll die

so I will follow you wherever you go

if your offered hand is still open to me

strangers on this road we are on

we are not two we are one

strangers on this road we are on

we are not two we are one.

(the kinks)

this time tomorrow, where will we be?

you may think I'm over-reacting, but this is my new favorite movie and that is a big deal, since it's replacing amélie. I'm still loving it two weeks later, so I'm sharing the love. if this doesn't make you want to see it, I'm giving up.

it's got to be real

Me:  Yeah, I don't need chocolate or teddy bears. Teddy bears are laaame. But my husband had best give me lots of beautiful flowers.

Mom: Your dad never gave me teddy bears.

Me: It must be a teenager thing, you know, boyfriends who don't know what to get their girlfriends, so they give them stupid teddy bears and cheap jewelry.

Mom: Yeah, it's got to be real.

Me: Whoever I marry is going to be a mature, capable man who can buy jewelry without mortgaging anything and will have the taste to pick something simple and beautiful.

Mom: Sounds like a continental man.

Me: What's continental?

Mom: European.

Me: Well YEAH. I'm gonna be really mad if I marry someone from Utah.

story - jack mackenna

"This is a fucking joke, right?"  Jack MacKenna saw his best friend's mouth tighten into a thin line.  "You're serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious.  How can you think I'm joking when I'm smoking a bloody cigarette?  You know I only smoke when I'm serious.  God, I've never been more serious in my life."

"You find some woman in your hotel room, you don't fuck, and you think you're in love with her?  I mean, you've always been decent and noble and shit, but ... "  Searching Noah's eyes behind the smoke haze, Jack's voice took on a pleading note.  "Don't you think this is a bit ridiculous?  You don't fall in love in a week, and you certainly don't fall in love without a good --"

"I don't expect you to understand, Jack!"  Noah jumped up from the bench, pacing, gesticulating with his cigarette in his hand, drawing arcs of smoke around his head.  "I don't expect you to know what it is about 

her --"  A snort of derision.  Noah turned to face him.  "I'm just asking you to take me seriously and deal with this, with her, a good bit more graciously than you usually do.  We've known each other since ... I don't think I'm asking too much."

"You're not.  You're not, Noah."  Jack sobered, but only for a moment.  Then, with an impish smile, "I'll just pretend I know nothing about her and try to ignore the fact that you haven't done her."  Noah rolled his eyes, but smiled grudgingly and flopped back down.  "Either you're more incompetent than I thought or she's got a flat ass or something."  He grabbed the cigarette out of Noah's mouth and tossed it.  

"Come on, you're too noble for cigarettes."

darjeeling

last night, I hung out with carolyn and slept over at her apartment. we went to whole foods and got dinner (sushi for c and sandwich for me + orangina. I live for orangina.) then we watched the darjeeling limited on pay-per-view. 

it was fantastic and wonderful! I cannot love it enough. sue's been telling me I need to see it for forever, but I never got around to it until now. it's been quite a long while since I've seen a real film. I've let myself waste my time on movies for too long and forgotten to indulge in a real film. you know the difference. one that doesn't fit in a horror, comedy, romance, or action genre. one that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, cause you know what? life doesn't make a whole lot of sense. one whose plot doesn't feel like plot, it feels like the unfolding of reality. I've missed that. 

I've also discovered that adrien brody is the embodiment of my idea of physical attractiveness. odd, isn't it? but there it is. you can have your hunky abercrombie models and prettyboys, I'll take a dark, skinny one with a nose any day. pictures don't even do justice. he moves with an 

unplaceable grace and assurance and there's something in his facial expressions and movements when you watch him that animate most attractively. he has highly expressive eyebrows. 

for your (my) viewing pleasure:

serious cake decorating skills