courtesy of A Softer World
9.30.2009
9.29.2009
9.28.2009
a good way to start the week
right now I am feeling very happy and peaceful and calm
and a little bit giddy
it's a really good feeling
and a little bit giddy
it's a really good feeling
9.26.2009
very much wishing
just wasted a couple hours of my life looking at adorable bras online that I kind of need but can't really afford.
sigh.
but I was so productive yesterday!
I worked on a paper all day and it felt so great to be done.
I could have churned it out faster, but I did some quality research and quality writing, so it's a good draft, so now I don't have to do much more to make it an almost-final draft.
I write so much better by hand than I do typing. I always forget that until I try it again.
I am very much wishing that I had a car. life would be oh so much easier if I had a car.
someone in my apartment just took the LSAT
someone else in my apartment dressed up as a care bear
(I did her ears and they were awesome)
someone else in my apartment is getting married and she keeps having rather loud phone conversations with her parents and she's being sassy and frustrated. to give her credit, I don't actually know what her mother is saying.
I watched monsters inc. last night. what is with these pixar movies that keep making me cry for goodness sake? first brother bear and now this. no seriously, can you really watch brother bear and not cry??
someone I care about very much has been on gmail all day and instead of sitting here wasting my life on the internet and wondering if he's ever going to come back from being idle on my chat list, I should be taking a shower and eating something (how in the world am I not hungry? it is almost 3 in the afternoon!! and I haven't eaten yet today) and writing more papers.
okay I'm going to go eat some cereal. and wash my face. oh and put some real clothes on.
my crazy-creepy allergic reaction to sulfa drugs rash is almost gone. huzzah!!!
sigh.
but I was so productive yesterday!
I worked on a paper all day and it felt so great to be done.
I could have churned it out faster, but I did some quality research and quality writing, so it's a good draft, so now I don't have to do much more to make it an almost-final draft.
I write so much better by hand than I do typing. I always forget that until I try it again.
I am very much wishing that I had a car. life would be oh so much easier if I had a car.
someone in my apartment just took the LSAT
someone else in my apartment dressed up as a care bear
(I did her ears and they were awesome)
someone else in my apartment is getting married and she keeps having rather loud phone conversations with her parents and she's being sassy and frustrated. to give her credit, I don't actually know what her mother is saying.
I watched monsters inc. last night. what is with these pixar movies that keep making me cry for goodness sake? first brother bear and now this. no seriously, can you really watch brother bear and not cry??
someone I care about very much has been on gmail all day and instead of sitting here wasting my life on the internet and wondering if he's ever going to come back from being idle on my chat list, I should be taking a shower and eating something (how in the world am I not hungry? it is almost 3 in the afternoon!! and I haven't eaten yet today) and writing more papers.
okay I'm going to go eat some cereal. and wash my face. oh and put some real clothes on.
my crazy-creepy allergic reaction to sulfa drugs rash is almost gone. huzzah!!!
9.22.2009
hello hello
here are my goals:
1) do homework in the commons room, for the quiet and isolation I need
2) do homework from 8 to 10 every night
3) bed between 11.30 and 12, wake up between 7.30 and 8
4) read scriptures every day
5) choose one class to do homework for at work
tada! I hope this helps things get some better. if it's not enough, I'm going to have to try and cut back hours at work or if that's not possible, get a new job, or something. I don't know. we'll see how it goes down. in the mean time, I'm photoshop classing like crazy in the next two weeks so I can get promoted to lab consultant and get a raise and a training raise. yay!
most recent tactic: I drink a glass of chocolate milk most days to satisfy my sugar cravings without eating tons of starchy fatty desserts. it fills me up and it's delicious. so far so good.
9.21.2009
:-l EDWARD
twilight - this was a stupid movie. a waste of time. it's pathetic that I feel the need to watch it in order to be aware of culture. because twilight, my friends, is NOT culture. or shouldn't be. that's the sad problem. anyway, it was not well done, and now I can see all of the reasons I will never read those books, aside from just stubbornness. now I can say I won't read them on principle, not the stubborn kind of "principle" but the I don't agree with the values these books glorify and I think they're harmful to people in the long run kind of principle.
mona lisa smile - I remember when this came out and I didn't ever see it, but I definitely had a different idea of what it was going to be about than feminism. I thought it was a very good movie. I liked julia roberts. I hated kirsten dunst. and that's what they were going for, so they did a good job. it really made me think about things. I had to ponder for about an hour after I watched it. and it's made me re-realize why I feel so strongly about feminism. it made me wonder about my grammie and what kind of 'ideal' she was fulfilling, how she was affected by those kinds of expectations, and my mom. I don't know. it bothered me. and a movie is good if it makes me think.
mona lisa smile - I remember when this came out and I didn't ever see it, but I definitely had a different idea of what it was going to be about than feminism. I thought it was a very good movie. I liked julia roberts. I hated kirsten dunst. and that's what they were going for, so they did a good job. it really made me think about things. I had to ponder for about an hour after I watched it. and it's made me re-realize why I feel so strongly about feminism. it made me wonder about my grammie and what kind of 'ideal' she was fulfilling, how she was affected by those kinds of expectations, and my mom. I don't know. it bothered me. and a movie is good if it makes me think.
9.18.2009
complete and utter randomness
a re-post from a particularly genius blogger I follow, the emphatically named clintclintclintclint
do enjoy:
"While shopping for envelopes the other day I realized just how uniquely odd a product they really are. I was examining the shelves’ different boxes, trying to decide which variety of envelope would most fully convey my cheery-but-not-cheesy outlook on life, when my attention was nabbed by the instructions on the side of one of the boxes:
1. Place letter in envelope
2. Lick flap.
3. Press to seal.
It struck me that envelopes are perhaps the only product that one can purchase in which the product’s instructions direct the new owner to lick the product. It’s weird. And applied to another product, we see just how weird a directive the above Step 2 really is. Imagine instructions for powering up a new computer:
1. Insert power cord in wall socket.
2. Press ‘Power’ button found on tower.
3. Lick.
4. Wait for Windows to open (and then suck by involuntarily shutting down at really inconvenient times).
It’s just weird that there exists a product that encourages us to lick, a behavior typical of social deviants. But of course there are lollypops and popsicles and other food-oriented products that also engender licking. But there’s no instructions on these foods. The licking is implied. I guess what makes me nervous about envelopes is that I have to be told to lick them. If the need for licking a thing isn’t obvious enough as to not require instructions, I don’t think I want to be licking that thing. The scariest part is that the instructions on the box tell me to do the very same act that in elementary school constituted a dare. “Lick it. I dare you.” “Do you double dare me?” “I double dog dare you.” It seemed like a bad idea then and it seems like a bad idea now.
After some pondering, an idea map, and a flow chart or two, I identified another product that requires (or required) licking—stamps. What is it with the letter writing process and licking? Is there some intrinsic link between the two? It's mysterious and just another reason I prefer e-mail."
9.15.2009
9.13.2009
plums to eat, books to read, and poems to write
I do not have the privilege of self-discovery
they do not give me the option to seek
pure, unadulterated truth.
selfish, they call me.
reckless.
extreme.
I don't quite understand what they mean.
they live detached, so blind and content
oblivious to the perpetuation
in every bite, in every breath,
in every choice already made
by the root of our elaborate,
laborious lie,
too common to warrant an alibi.
pass it on pass it on
accept this inheritance
I do not want
but cannot escape.
"truth is trivial"
they're trying to say
but I refuse to allow their words,
rank with the refuse of ages.
"coward" whispers the wind in the leaves
that blows me bare
of the empty internal promises I wear
like a comforting and familiar woolen cap.
they're dragging my reluctant child self
triple steps to every stride
but with eyes still open wide
a burning double condemnation
to the most excruciating prison --
the unintended one.
they do not give me the option to seek
pure, unadulterated truth.
selfish, they call me.
reckless.
extreme.
I don't quite understand what they mean.
they live detached, so blind and content
oblivious to the perpetuation
in every bite, in every breath,
in every choice already made
by the root of our elaborate,
laborious lie,
too common to warrant an alibi.
pass it on pass it on
accept this inheritance
I do not want
but cannot escape.
"truth is trivial"
they're trying to say
but I refuse to allow their words,
rank with the refuse of ages.
"coward" whispers the wind in the leaves
that blows me bare
of the empty internal promises I wear
like a comforting and familiar woolen cap.
they're dragging my reluctant child self
triple steps to every stride
but with eyes still open wide
a burning double condemnation
to the most excruciating prison --
the unintended one.
9.12.2009
into the wild
I watched Into the Wild today. it was profound and it may have changed my life, or me, at least. I'm going to refrain from insulting the depth of this experience for me by writing about it, so I'll just share some quotes from Chris McCandless himself (the first two) and some of the words he quoted (following).
"Two years he walks the earth.
No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild."
Alexander Supertramp
May 1992
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Chris McCandless
"No man ever followed his genius till it misled him. Though the result were bodily weakness, yet perhaps no one can say that the consequences were to be regretted, for these were a life in conformity to higher principles ... The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality ... The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched."
Thoreau
“I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor-such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children, perhaps-what more can the heart of man desire?”
Leo Tolstoy
"Two years he walks the earth.
No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild."
Alexander Supertramp
May 1992
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Chris McCandless
"No man ever followed his genius till it misled him. Though the result were bodily weakness, yet perhaps no one can say that the consequences were to be regretted, for these were a life in conformity to higher principles ... The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality ... The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched."
Thoreau
“I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor-such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children, perhaps-what more can the heart of man desire?”
Leo Tolstoy
9.09.2009
name change
I was working on my online swahili homework yesterday in the swkt lab and needed to print some of the stuff I typed into the program, cause I wasn't sure if I was supposed to bring proof that I did my homework. since I get free lab printing (pretty much the only plus to my job) I title my print jobs with random things so they're easy for my lab compatriots to find in the print queue, usually a long series of exclamation points or ampersands (I love that word!)
but this time I just named it christina and put the job name as kiswahili. the kid who printed for me must be new at work, I've never seen him before and he says "christina ... keeshwaaall?" and I said "... kiswahili" and he goes "that's a really cool name" and I said "thanks" and went on my merry way, newly dubbed christina kiswahili.
but this time I just named it christina and put the job name as kiswahili. the kid who printed for me must be new at work, I've never seen him before and he says "christina ... keeshwaaall?" and I said "... kiswahili" and he goes "that's a really cool name" and I said "thanks" and went on my merry way, newly dubbed christina kiswahili.
9.04.2009
wouldn't it be nice
I'm in this weird habit of hugging most of my friends I see around campus, especially my study abroad friends. I knew this was going to happen. it's the weird transition away from giving the bise. not doing anything feels too cold, but hugging is also too close, in a way. at least the bise had this feeling of formality, even though it infringed on personal space. so I'm hugging everyone and it feels kind of weird ...
I forgot how slowly times goes in the SAB computer lab. and how annoying the student athletes are. I like sports! sports are fun! but people who live for them are just not my type of people.
school's coming down hard. already.
friday afternoon, I was so tired when I came home that I laid down to take a nap. celesta & kids came by about 5 minutes later to drop me off some banana bread (yum! ate the whole thing already) and talk for a bit. then I tried to read some french homework (in bed) and fell back asleep. and didn't wake up until 11!! pm!! to the sounds of monty python and the holy grail from the living room. I got up, got ready for bed (ha) and wrote in my journal and then slept again until 10 this morning. this sort of thing usually doesn't happen until mid-semester.
this morning I went over to look at abe's pictures and help him choose a few to submit to the international center's photo contest and then I showed him my pics from france. I have way too many pictures from france. it's about time I weeded through them to delete all the crappy ones, but now I don't want to have to look through them again. I've already showed them to so many people. then we watched the france vs. romania world cup qualifier. it was a tie. which was completement nul comme match. but I love watching soccer. can't wait for the wednesday qualifier!
oceane is in yellowstone with her family for the weekend. and without her I am being completely nase. and moody, too. but it's not her being gone. I don't know what it is. but I don't like it.
made my first appointment with a psychologist. making the decision to do this was not difficult - it was very logical and necessary. and I didn't have a problem with it. until I was walking through the halls to the counseling center to make an appointment. when suddenly the prospect of having a crazy doctor actually made me feel a little ... crazy. or ashamed, I guess. or just, wishing I didn't have things I need help with. wouldn't that be nice.
the downside to having learned to cry this summer is that now, simple emotions make me on the brink of tears quite often. it makes me a lot more aware of my emotions, which is good, I suppose. but if I'm going to be upset, I'd rather not be until I really am than to be like this, on edge and not quite there and aware.
from two-headed boy pt. 2 - neutral milk hotel :
blister please, with those wings in your spine
love to be with a brother of mine
how'd he love to find your tongue in his teeth
in a struggle to find secret songs that you keep
wrapped in boxes so tight, sounding only at night as you sleep
and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying
as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet
rings of flowers round your eyes and I love you
for the rest of your life (when you're ready)
brother see, we are one in the same
and you left with your head filled with flames
and you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth
push the pieces in place
make your smile sweet to see
don't you take this away
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
quite possibly the best album of all time.
I forgot how slowly times goes in the SAB computer lab. and how annoying the student athletes are. I like sports! sports are fun! but people who live for them are just not my type of people.
school's coming down hard. already.
friday afternoon, I was so tired when I came home that I laid down to take a nap. celesta & kids came by about 5 minutes later to drop me off some banana bread (yum! ate the whole thing already) and talk for a bit. then I tried to read some french homework (in bed) and fell back asleep. and didn't wake up until 11!! pm!! to the sounds of monty python and the holy grail from the living room. I got up, got ready for bed (ha) and wrote in my journal and then slept again until 10 this morning. this sort of thing usually doesn't happen until mid-semester.
this morning I went over to look at abe's pictures and help him choose a few to submit to the international center's photo contest and then I showed him my pics from france. I have way too many pictures from france. it's about time I weeded through them to delete all the crappy ones, but now I don't want to have to look through them again. I've already showed them to so many people. then we watched the france vs. romania world cup qualifier. it was a tie. which was completement nul comme match. but I love watching soccer. can't wait for the wednesday qualifier!
oceane is in yellowstone with her family for the weekend. and without her I am being completely nase. and moody, too. but it's not her being gone. I don't know what it is. but I don't like it.
made my first appointment with a psychologist. making the decision to do this was not difficult - it was very logical and necessary. and I didn't have a problem with it. until I was walking through the halls to the counseling center to make an appointment. when suddenly the prospect of having a crazy doctor actually made me feel a little ... crazy. or ashamed, I guess. or just, wishing I didn't have things I need help with. wouldn't that be nice.
the downside to having learned to cry this summer is that now, simple emotions make me on the brink of tears quite often. it makes me a lot more aware of my emotions, which is good, I suppose. but if I'm going to be upset, I'd rather not be until I really am than to be like this, on edge and not quite there and aware.
from two-headed boy pt. 2 - neutral milk hotel :
blister please, with those wings in your spine
love to be with a brother of mine
how'd he love to find your tongue in his teeth
in a struggle to find secret songs that you keep
wrapped in boxes so tight, sounding only at night as you sleep
and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying
as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet
rings of flowers round your eyes and I love you
for the rest of your life (when you're ready)
brother see, we are one in the same
and you left with your head filled with flames
and you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth
push the pieces in place
make your smile sweet to see
don't you take this away
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
quite possibly the best album of all time.
9.02.2009
back in p-town
goodness it's been a long time. I don't know what happened other than being at home with my family, which generally means I spend a lot of time doing mundane things that are actually quite fun by virtue of being done in the company of my mother. I hung out with amanda one night and carolyn one day, which was so fun. had to unpack and repack. got to drive!! it was wonderful. and then I was flying to utah and being at celesta's new house and moving in and being back at celesta's for maxwell's birthday and party. and then school happened.
school.
- really really wanted to take creative writing but also really really wanted to take swahili. so ... I dropped creative writing and orchestra for swahili, which means I'm still taking 16 credits, but it's okay, swahili's going to be pretty relaxed and so awesome. and oceane's taking it too!!
- I have prof hurlbut again for my french class, which is on the hundred years war and is going to be so incredibly interesting and amy, kate, susan, martha, and ryan are all in my class, friends and familiar faces.
- I have prof matt ancell again for humanities (I totally did that on purpose) he is just as awesome, clever, and slightly self-deprecating (being such a youngin' among other youngins) and occasionally profound. and he's cute. and he knows who I am. that's always a plus, eh?
I woke up on the first day of school and I couldn't move my head. not any degree to the right or down. and it hasn't gone away. I couldn't look at anybody sitting to the right of me. I accidentally kept sitting on the left side of classrooms and couldn't see anything all period. it's getting gradually better, but it's really painful and annoying.
I am all turmoiled about graduation. I don't know if I should be trying to graduate with honors, if I can do it without dying and still graduate in april with my momma (which I WANT to do) or stretch it out til august so I don't die. are any of these options possible without the death addendum? I sure hope so. I mean, it's possible, just not anywhere near enjoyable. and I kind of want to enjoy my last year at university. is that too much to ask?
school.
- really really wanted to take creative writing but also really really wanted to take swahili. so ... I dropped creative writing and orchestra for swahili, which means I'm still taking 16 credits, but it's okay, swahili's going to be pretty relaxed and so awesome. and oceane's taking it too!!
- I have prof hurlbut again for my french class, which is on the hundred years war and is going to be so incredibly interesting and amy, kate, susan, martha, and ryan are all in my class, friends and familiar faces.
- I have prof matt ancell again for humanities (I totally did that on purpose) he is just as awesome, clever, and slightly self-deprecating (being such a youngin' among other youngins) and occasionally profound. and he's cute. and he knows who I am. that's always a plus, eh?
I woke up on the first day of school and I couldn't move my head. not any degree to the right or down. and it hasn't gone away. I couldn't look at anybody sitting to the right of me. I accidentally kept sitting on the left side of classrooms and couldn't see anything all period. it's getting gradually better, but it's really painful and annoying.
I am all turmoiled about graduation. I don't know if I should be trying to graduate with honors, if I can do it without dying and still graduate in april with my momma (which I WANT to do) or stretch it out til august so I don't die. are any of these options possible without the death addendum? I sure hope so. I mean, it's possible, just not anywhere near enjoyable. and I kind of want to enjoy my last year at university. is that too much to ask?
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