coming to an end

so I'm down to counting the lasts of my freshman year of college.  last saturday night.  last testimony meeting.  last ward prayer.  last french class. last review session.  last test (not there yet though).  and eventually last time being in my apartment with some of the best friends of my life.  I seriously came to school expecting the worse.  I set up all of my defense mechanisms -- I was spotlessly clean, I went to bed early, I was civil but quiet and very determined to build barriers.  but Michelle talked incessantly, about many unimportant things, and more than made up for my lack of conversation.  I spent the first month telling Sue that I didn't think I was ever going to hit it off with this girl.  and somewhere in there, something  happened.  maybe it was late nights and movie nights and running to class together and printing out papers.  maybe it was worry for her.  maybe it was all the sex talks and crying and laughing at ourselves.  I don't know what it was exactly, but I really love that girl and I'm going to miss her so much.  and that goes for Rach and Jessica and Shantel and Rebekah too.  I know french housing is going to be an adventure, but a pretty big part of me wishes I had a whole other eight months to relive this all over again.  The Scientist says "let's take it back to the start", but the start was kind of hard.  I just want to live perpetually in the middle of it all.  I spent the last two days making a pretty awesome slideshow, if I do say so myself, of all of 127's pictures and videos.  I guess the final viewing with all of us is kind of ruined for me, since I made it, and I've already cried through the second half, but I don't know -- no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not going to cry, it always happens.  I learned lots of things at college, but the thing I might value the most is learning how to cry.  bittersweet, always bittersweet goodbyes.  we've gone our own ways and I know it's for the best, but sometimes I wonder will I ever have friends like you again?  good quote, but also stupid.  of course I will never have friends like them again.  they are them and no one else can ever rival that.

stress

I told myself that I wasn't going to stress out, but I'm kind of stressing out.  I did get my humanities paper done though (7 pages in 5 hours plus research time) but I don't know if my professor got it on time or not.  So I'm just not going to worry about it cause I can't do anything.  Now finals are looming.  Some I'm worried about, others not so much.  But I'm going to be so so happy a week from today when all of this is over.  Even if I fail economics.  I'm going to read up on my humanities now and go to a review.  And go to sleep and not think about anything for awhile.

hot hot heat

my dorm is so freaking hot. i can't take it anymore. i'm wearing short shorts and eating popsicles and walking around outside in the cool night air with bare feet on concrete and it's JUST NOT WORKING!  i'm never going to be able to fall asleep tonight. well, i wasn't going to anyway, what with the five papers i have to write and all, but i can't concentrate on anything right now.  just the stupid thermostat that is set for 55 and STILL reads 80+. or maybe i'm sick?  maybe i'll sleep outside.

labor

I just spent a couple hours reading past posts of the best blogger of all time, including a hilarious and terrifying encounter with heather b. armstrong's labor story.  I am officially freaked out.  and if I never see a gynocologist in my life, I will die a happy woman.  I also spent a couple hours listening to the best talker of all time describing multiple pairs of silver shoes and why they are the most amazing shoes ever and how amazing she will look when wearing them.  and about labor and vaginas getting cut up and sewn back together as a result of routine childbirth.  like I said -- officially FREAKED OUT!!! God was not smart in giving me this information, in furnishing me with yet another reason to hate men.  clearly I am a woman who has yet to fall in love.  but that's no reason not to enjoy it while I can.  after yet another afternoon of swearing to do the homework now that I probably will not do on saturday either, I slept for four hours and did nothing else productive except get freaked out and learn the value of silver shoes.  it's a good thing I haven't told my mom about this blog yet or she'd actually be worried about me and this uncharacteristic ambivalence for the Things That Matter.  I always have wonderful plans about the things that I will do every day and make me feel like a complete person.  usually lists work for list-making people such as myself.  I wonder what's happening to me and how I'm going to fix it.  but in the meantime, reading dooce out loud to Amanda, obscenities at all, and laughing so hard I can't talk is strangely unsurprisingly cathartic.

I have zero self-control

So I've never been a major tv-watching kind of girl.  In the kindergarten days, I watched Barney and Lambchop (woohoo!) and Zorro while my mom did the ironing and everyone else was at school.  I still remember the sound of steam mixing with all those theme songs.  ah the good old days.  I guess I had different tv show stages, Rocket Power, Even Stevens, the Simpsons, etc. but I probably spent more of my time reading than anything else.  BUT now, all that has changed.  I don't even have a tv, but the internet and my laptop are just as good.   At least now I can get as close to the screen as I want without my mother nagging me that I'm going to hurt my eyes.  Now I can watch tv without getting carpet marks on my elbows!  But now I'm catching up on all those years of missed television opportunities.  My most recent tv loves are Desperate Housewives and New Amsterdam.  I had always written off Desperate Housewives as slutty and stupid.  Oh how wrong I was.  It probably is slutty and stupid, but I love it.  I caught up to the fourth season in about a week.  or less.  Ridiculous, I know.  And then I just discovered a brand new show called New Amsterdam with a dreamy Dane playing some 400 year old immortal NYPD homicide detective.  What's not to love?  At least I only had to catch up on six episodes this time.  Yeah, I could/should be doing many more worthwhile things with my time, like studying for some intense finals coming up in the next two weeks, but I have other catching up to do.  It's called the life of mindless "vegetating" (as mom would say) in front of the tv that I never really embraced.  Nothing like college to bring out the 6 year old in me.  But drama these days sure beats Barney, even if it's still as predictable as Zorro.