october 9th

bees float in and out of the trashcan

and my line of vision

moving sluggishly through the ether-air

around my head

like the cloud clusters that inch

across the gradient shade sky

-- lazily

words float in and out of my mind

like the shoe-sound conversation

that approaches and fades

in diagonals

around my half-shade bench

vantage point

-- apart

the world so stark and out of reach

eludes the scrabbling clutches

of my reaching fingertips

and over-dramatized words

that ooze inadequacy and excess

over the canvas of my vision

-- lost

things

1. I bought things and now feel incredibly guilty for spending money. I like the things, but the guilt. oh the guilt!

2. oh how I wish I had the luxury of being job-less and concentrating on my schoolwork. I can't even imagine what I would do with an extra 15 hours or so a week. maybe dance in leaf piles and sing in the parking lot, for starters. in celebration of the 15 extra hours. I could do all of my readings in that time! I could write 3 or 4 papers in that time! I could - gasp! - make a sandwich to bring to school! just the thought is making me tear up.

3. the temptation to give up on all this is hitting me hard tonight. but the moods change so rapidly, I should probably just give it a couple days. that and a psych appt. tomorrow. I don't even know how useful that is though. every appt. I have all of these epiphanies about myself, but every week, nothing seems to change.

4. I did some art on saturday night. experimented with some charcoals and pastels.

5. I need a haircut SO BAD, but have neither the time or money to spend on it.

6. and hey! I forgot to upload my pumpkin pictures. which I still can't do at the moment, blogger's having some uploading issues (annoying ...) but the pumpkin is my small tribute to where the wild things are. then, like 5 days later, it was completely filled with mold, which kind of freaked me out. imagine what a strange strain of mold like that would do in your lungs ...

remind me to post about where the wild things are

7. stake conference was today and, considering how good it was, I don't understand why I feel so down.

8. I was the chef for french house dinner tonight. the lentil soup (yum!) and rosemary potatoes were a big hit, and the pumpkin pies with homemade whipped cream that I delivered to the apartments after the evening session of conference were much appreciated. sometimes the simplest things can make people so happy and I love how it makes me feel.

words words words

opprobrium
fulminate
lumpen
histrionic
eremitic
recondite
bight
paucity
atavistic
hogan
catamaran

these are all from jon krakauer's into the wild. for being such a reputedly accessible author, easy to read, he certainly uses an inordinate amount of obscure vocabulary.

limeade and purple sweatshirts

me and oceane rearranged our room and made bunkbeds. at midnight. it was awesome. especially the part where I couldn't lift my end of the bed ... I didn't think I was going to be particularly excited about being on the top bunk again, but the view of our room is strangely satisfying. in fact, most views these days are incredibly satisfying. must be the way I'm viewing things.

I. love. camera obscura. as usual, I have amanda to thank for getting me to buy them. there's just so much music to get and enjoy and the times I actually decide to devote money to checking into stuff, well it's usually about 2 years after amanda initially told me to look into it, so I'm always behind the curve. I may not have listened to the music, but I can totally band name drop like nobody's business. anyway. I think I will buy the cranberries tonight. I have loved them forever. first exposure I had to the cranberries was my parents listening to john's cassette tape of them, back when they screened our music. man, that was such a long time ago.

I am going to go do homework. what a novel concept!

trees

part 2:

awesomeness by jessixa

and we're back

internet roundup!
after a very very long time
just a few awesome things I dug up over the weekend
part 1:

I am going to live here. and that is that. the end.

eh?

hey hey friends

here's to hoping you like the slightly switched up design. I was looking for something more awesome to do, but all of the free templates I could find were pretty lame. I could always upgrade and put ads on to make the money to pay for the upgrade (and some extra maybe) but I haven't decided if I'm going to inundate you yet. that could be thoroughly annoying for everyone involved.
but it's money ...

it is official. I have a minimum of 18 papers due before the end of the semester. good times, eh?

pumpkin season strikes again

I stayed in last night and though I felt just slightly lame for not being social, it felt so wonderful to have a few hours where I didn't have to be working on something. where I could just chill out, read my book, drink strawberry milk, and watch a movie with gina. I have to actually be working on stuff today, but I have a few other things going on, too -
+ went to a visiting teaching activity this morning (with breakfast!) and talked with some girls I don't usually talk to much
+ I took a long shower and shaved my legs and cut my fingernails
+ tried on winter clothes to see what still fits and what doesn't :(
+ I mailed my absentee ballot application for upcoming elections
+ talked to my father! for an hour!
+ I need to do laundry
+ I'm going with celesta and victoria to the scera for their auditions and to keep victoria company. I really hope I don't get sick ...
+ and maybe we can swing to wal-mart or something to get more toothpaste and undershirts. yay :)

I really need a haircut. seriously, now I know what it feels like to be a man and need a haircut just about every three weeks. it's kind of ridiculous that my hair is approaching mullet qualifications. that means THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE. no, not really, it's not that bad, but I still need a haircut.

october is here, which means my favorite weather, and of course, candy corn season! also pumpkins!! the pumpkin smoothie at jamba juice might just sap my checking account in the next few weeks, especially because a smoothie is pretty much a meal for me and a meal is better than what I usually manage to eat during the day ... 40 cent granola bars and water, with the occasional applesauce, make up the rest of my diet. that's why I get so upset when the flsr meals are vegetable or fruit-less and not up to healthy deliciousness par, because it's the only good meal I'm getting! it needs to be good.

school is swamping, but I'm doing alright. writing fellows is time-consuming, but actually a whole lot of fun. it makes me want to be a pro french tutor so I could make lots of moneys, cause tutoring is pretty awesome.

claire and jesse are chilling at aguas calientes and machu picchu these last couple days and I am ... jealous.

conference summary - day 2

I stayed up so late cleaning the whole apartment the night before, so I guess I was more tired than I realized. my alarm went off at 8.45, plenty of time to shower and be prepared to listen to conference, but I fell back asleep. when I woke up again, I figured it'd been a half-hour maybe, but it was 11 o'clock!! whimper whimper. sad day. so I rolled out of bed and caught the second half of the morning session. I'll have to watch the first half soon.

morning session:
- to receive revelation - know & obey relevant truths, heed prophetic council, employ virtues
- I am immersed in the thick of thin things
- reminder to accomplish my mission of serving others

(elder nelson wears french cuffs)

afternoon session:
- peace comes from a deep testimony & love of the Book of Mormon
- I am accountable for my time & talents
- don't run faster than you have strength, but we should be diligent
- we lose our zeal/conversion/dedication when casual with prayer & scriptures
- I have the right to make choices, but an obligation to account for them
- mere wanting is hardly a proper guide for conduct

(and elder renlund had a nice purple pocket square)
(and elder sitati is from kenya)

specific goal: read scriptures and pray at least once a day. pray more often, before starting random things, like studying or writing a paper, writing fellows conferences, workshops and training, etc.

my swahili teacher is in the tabernacle choir and it was really cool to see him and be able to point him out to my family and friends. he is just such an awesome guy. he's known elder sitati since he joined the church as a young man.

as predicted, the only things I accomplished from my list were to watch conference and go to celesta's house. both very good things, but not even half the list. I love to make lists, but for some reason, I don't feel the need to cross things off my list. so I have no OCD motivation to accomplish things - darn it. I was banking on that to make up for my lack of self-discipline ...

thank you

dear jonathan safran foer,

I read your book extremely loud and incredibly close. I read it during a hard time for me, and it re-opened my eyes to the world, to a way of seeing that I had forgotten I once knew. I am 20 years old and I felt that I was oskar, his grandmother, and his grandfather all at once. it made no sense at all, and it made perfect sense. I imagine you felt the same way when you wrote it. I don't know why I can feel the deepest sorrows your characters have felt when I know that I have never felt them. yet it makes perfect sense.

I just finished your book everything is illuminated. I read it because I'd read you before and I knew it would be a genius work and would change me. it was a genius work and it changed me. it makes me proud of you. some parts were harder to read when I read them out loud to my best friend. like alex, by saying them out loud I was making them happen again. I shook and could not stop shaking.

sometimes I felt like alex, that you did not have to make the fictions of your story so horrible and crude. sometimes I was disgusted. but I know these things were necessary for you to do. I have not yet decided if this story is what happened to you. I don't think it really matters. you did not write it for me. I am a writer, too, so I understand how maybe for you, to write it was the only way to know yourself, or your past, or your maybe past, which is really you, which is really your future.

for you, everything was illuminated. for me, some things were illuminated, the true things so true that they ache me, the light ones and the dark.

I know you do not need it, but I want to tell you thank you.

christina suzanne hilton

conference summary - day 1

morning session:

_ strong emotions overpower the spirit, including anger, hate, passion, fear, pride
_ need to have a time of quiet - be still - each day
_ aim high - more than you think you can do
_ love is a source of strength, casts out fear, brings peace
_ consistently live what you know
_ love is tolerance and respect, joy & divine hope
_ what we love determines what we seek, then what we think and do, then who we are & who we will become

afternoon session:

_ raising families = the work of eternity
_ real love does not support self-destructive behavior
_ when skeptical and critical, the spirit cannot be with us
_ each day do a little better
_ there will always be intellectual crisis as long as there is faith and a finite mind
_ be temperate in all things - moderation, self-control, diligent, patient, when under stress will not break into hurtful shards
_ you can always pray

a specific goal: express anger, passion or frustration about a situation or event, not at a person.

I love conference. it just makes peace all through me.

later, I did mine and most everyone else's chores, including the sinks, toilet, shower, kitchen counters, stove & table, and swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. then I took out the trash. then I cleaned up my bookshelf and floor (I had already cleaned up the closet). now I just need to do some laundry. on monday, probably. chores are so much less daunting when it's just a little apartment with one bathroom and doesn't take a posse of children to clean.

tomorrow - more conference, afternoon at celesta's, write 2 papers, readings for monday class, put up art in my room, plan the week, go for a walk. I can pretty much guarantee that only half of that is going to get done.

dreams aplenty dreams galore

1

in france?
UTA buses
the ones with green UVU ads on the sides
ginette's foot is run over by it while the bus is making a turn
or the bus wouldn't get off of it
she was wearing her double strap sandals
jeffrey wandering and being lost
I needed to help him

2

end of an into-the-wild-type experience
but more group than individual
"lessons learned" showcase
david banks & his mother
I was supposed to play piano/accompaniment
for the first 3 things & I didn't know beforehand
but what I learned/was showing was influenced by my guide
by the people I interacted with throughout my adventure
I can't remember entirely,
but I had formed a deep attachment to somebody from this experience

3

native children
snowy mountains
going down the mountain in a giant caterpillar tread wheel thing
full of children
one child - blue - got glass in his eye
rubbed
gross
eventually died
father scientist guy

at chuck e cheese
lemon infused rice and french fries
jeans and hat
mallory clark?

me, oceane & rachel drake
at the beach, on the shore, a box of bras we tried on
2 at once, black small triangle lace
close to heritage halls
were going to haggle for them, but ended up not paying

swahili class overhead project

4

at the flsr
were looking for soup pot everywhere & couldn't find it
in the common rooms to eat
lindsay dropped a huge tureen of soup
also, russell was there
asked me again if we were going to get together conference weekend
I said no, exasperated

crazy boy games
huge obstacle course built for gocarts or something
they end up doing track & field stuff
throwing a fake skull
gimli threw it too far, went to get it
there was a real skull next to the fake one in the stream
bad omen
he has nightmares and is freaked out after
I'm the only one that knows what's going on
so I go down in the cellar to talk to drew & cassi about it
really hot down in cave
but there's a bunch of men there
around large tables and in front of a fire in the stone fireplace
so we can't talk
they start fighting with swords

at celesta & paul's house
in the bathroom
it's like the whole room is a giant portapotty
the hollowed floor is full of spaghetti and plastic trays
ocelot/leopard goes to the door - was really a tiger
paul brought it back in out of the hall and a larger tiger followed
it was going to come get me, close, close, maybe 5 feet
but it stopped when I sang to it
they disappeared and I got out
at kitchen sink, faucet spraying me
celesta gets mad that I'm making a mess

concession

okay okay

I know

I am a fool
and 100% ridiculous
and completely out of control

as alexander would say - I am eating humble pie
(everything is illuminated)

okay. I have been thinking about it. and I actually know an awful lot of men who are amazing - smart and funny and intellectual and respectful and very kind. usually, they don't even need to earn my respect - it just is. with good people, you can tell. I do them a great disservice to rant my generalizations like this. and it is entirely unfair to write off all goodness because of a single fault.

and as my friends point out to me, I would hate to be generalized as a woman with the airhead simpering fools. I don't consider those qualities to be inherent in women. and certainly not in me. (aside from the fool part) I know the tendency to generalize. I do it far too often. and I fear being generalized like that. so I have no excuse to be doing that same thing to men.

I don't know why I let something so small and insignificant get to me so badly. it got to me. it's true. even when I'm all settled down now, I still feel all turmoiled and troubled. and I don't like it. I give away my own power when I let people manipulate my passion. but at the same time, my passion makes me feel powerful. I don't understand it. but I feel like it's a gift more than anything else. maybe I just don't quite know how to use it yet.

I think I let the little things get to me like this because I see this mindset, I see this assumption in people, and it may not be affecting anything significant right here and now, but it just reminds me of all the men who propound this thinking into something venomous and hurtful. men who use this thinking to justify great evils they do to women all over the world and all throughout time.

my anger is a protest against the injustice of it all.
my passion is an expression of a deep-rooted love for my sisters the world over, so powerful and undeniable that I don't know how else to stand it. I think that's the real gift I'm talking about here.

sometimes I feel so powerless to change a thing.
and ranting feels like the only thing I can do.

apologies.

man and the man (as seen by woman)

story:

in my humanities class, there is a boy who sits next to me who seems quite smitten with me, not least by my pointed and insightful comments in class. in an effort to impress me by trying to be as smart, he speaks arabic to me because he can, knowing that I don't understand what he is saying, and of course that makes me attracted to him, right? right? "you make me feel stupid. let's go out!"

well, I've been nice. I've tolerated these completely-not-endearing shenanigans. I've let him talk to me on the way to work after class. I indulge his over-done combination of self-deprecation (by way of compliments) and condescension (by way of useless trivia and "intellectual" allusion). and you can't accuse me of leading anyone on here. you don't have to completely cut them down to get the point across that you are not interested. I have held conversation. rather uninterested conversation. but that's about it. it is no secret to anyone who knows me that I am completely incapable of hiding emotion. and the only emotions coming through here are annoyance and one hundred percent indifference. does he see this as a challenge? some people need to learn to give up for goodness sake.

so today after class, I stayed after to talk to my professor, matt ancell (probably my favorite professor of all time, because he's still young and still thinks like a youngin', so I feel like we're going through the same intellectual dilemmas. he's probably gone through them before, but it's a testament that some people never grow out of this way of thinking. I hope I don't grow out of it either.) I had some questions about montaigne and relative v. absolute truth that we didn't have time to get into in class and I wanted to ask matt about something he said about the inherent division between science and religion because I lean more towards an inherent connection between the two. so we end up talking in the hall for the next 45 minutes and this kid is just standing there listening, contributing just about nothing to the conversation.

so I finally finish talking to matt (incredible conversation, by the way. gah I love thinking!!) and this kid then walks with me as I head down student athlete building way to go to work and starts asking me all of these questions about my theories and beliefs. and you all know I love to talk about my theories and beliefs. and I always jump at the opportunity for a good intellectual conversation.

he asked me why I don't like descartes. I said because he represents and perpetuates man and the man, things I'm not a big fan of. he asked me if I'm a fan of woman then. and I said, hell yeah, actually I said I'm all for it but sometimes the means and ends aren't so worthy, but I believe in their goals. then he asked how I feel about the subjectivity or objectivity of truth. so I explained how I feel about truth (in essence, truth is relative. period. but that doesn't make it any less true. nor does it take away the value of seeking truth). then I had to explain what I think faith is (unexplainable. but again, doesn't take away the value of trying). then I had to explain why we're here (to learn, grow and experience) and on and on. and then I came to a quandary, which I love. I have no problem with a paradox. but that's all beside the point.

at the end of this extremely one-sided conversation, (not because I didn't give him a chance to contribute. because his only contributions were questions. he wouldn't give any of his own opinions or engage in an exchange of ideas. maybe he doesn't have any.) this kid had the nerve, with this pompous smug look on his face, to say, to pretend, to presume that he just led me to all those conclusions. his face oozed condescension and self-satisfaction.

I should have punched him in the face. actually, my usual method of violence involves throwing my shoe at someone's head, though in theory, my most effective measure would be to beat with sticks. when in doubt, beat with sticks. I did none of these things. I rolled my eyes, put my backpack down, got out my phone, and proceeded to check the time about every ten seconds for the next minute. then I said, blegh it smells like hotdogs, because it did, the blegh included because I am not often a fan of hotdogs. then he said "you don't like hotdogs? then I cannot talk to you anymore." and I said "that's too bad" in a more or less "I don't give a crap" kind of way. and we walked away.

and I proceeded to stew and boil over. BOILING OVER.

male female relationships should be based on mutual respect. you might think you've caught me there, but every person has their own way of gaining respect for someone. mine is largely based on having opinions, not necessarily my opinions, just well-thought-out opinions. I respect people who love learning and thinking and questioning the world. and I respect people who respect me without any decrease in their own self-respect.

also, witty is good. wit without trying to be funny. you can always tell when someone is trying to be funny. and it is never funny.

the only opinion this kid has really revealed to me is that he prides himself on leading me to my own enlightenment. no. minus 20 billion points from gryffindor.

with very few exceptions -- men are stupid. men are horrible. and men are mean. (in both the hurtful and the lowly sense). I am perfectly ready to acknowledge that this is not the case. come on, prove me wrong! prove me wrong!! I want to be proven wrong. as it is, I have to assume that every man is stupid, horrible and mean until they prove otherwise. some have succeeded. some have the benefit of never having to prove a thing (hello father!) but most have to prove it. and most have failed.

abysmally.

you may think I have decided to think this way. but I only think this way because experience and observation have forced me to. I do not have a disposition to instinctively hate. quite the opposite. so you have to ask yourself why I do. well, I came to these conclusions for a reason and have yet to be substantially proven wrong. in the meantime, the only thing I can do is try to find and enjoy the exceptions.

and spend the rest of the semester glowering. kid, prepare yourself for the cold shoulder. and oh, my friends, can I give the cold shoulder.