man and the man (as seen by woman)

story:

in my humanities class, there is a boy who sits next to me who seems quite smitten with me, not least by my pointed and insightful comments in class. in an effort to impress me by trying to be as smart, he speaks arabic to me because he can, knowing that I don't understand what he is saying, and of course that makes me attracted to him, right? right? "you make me feel stupid. let's go out!"

well, I've been nice. I've tolerated these completely-not-endearing shenanigans. I've let him talk to me on the way to work after class. I indulge his over-done combination of self-deprecation (by way of compliments) and condescension (by way of useless trivia and "intellectual" allusion). and you can't accuse me of leading anyone on here. you don't have to completely cut them down to get the point across that you are not interested. I have held conversation. rather uninterested conversation. but that's about it. it is no secret to anyone who knows me that I am completely incapable of hiding emotion. and the only emotions coming through here are annoyance and one hundred percent indifference. does he see this as a challenge? some people need to learn to give up for goodness sake.

so today after class, I stayed after to talk to my professor, matt ancell (probably my favorite professor of all time, because he's still young and still thinks like a youngin', so I feel like we're going through the same intellectual dilemmas. he's probably gone through them before, but it's a testament that some people never grow out of this way of thinking. I hope I don't grow out of it either.) I had some questions about montaigne and relative v. absolute truth that we didn't have time to get into in class and I wanted to ask matt about something he said about the inherent division between science and religion because I lean more towards an inherent connection between the two. so we end up talking in the hall for the next 45 minutes and this kid is just standing there listening, contributing just about nothing to the conversation.

so I finally finish talking to matt (incredible conversation, by the way. gah I love thinking!!) and this kid then walks with me as I head down student athlete building way to go to work and starts asking me all of these questions about my theories and beliefs. and you all know I love to talk about my theories and beliefs. and I always jump at the opportunity for a good intellectual conversation.

he asked me why I don't like descartes. I said because he represents and perpetuates man and the man, things I'm not a big fan of. he asked me if I'm a fan of woman then. and I said, hell yeah, actually I said I'm all for it but sometimes the means and ends aren't so worthy, but I believe in their goals. then he asked how I feel about the subjectivity or objectivity of truth. so I explained how I feel about truth (in essence, truth is relative. period. but that doesn't make it any less true. nor does it take away the value of seeking truth). then I had to explain what I think faith is (unexplainable. but again, doesn't take away the value of trying). then I had to explain why we're here (to learn, grow and experience) and on and on. and then I came to a quandary, which I love. I have no problem with a paradox. but that's all beside the point.

at the end of this extremely one-sided conversation, (not because I didn't give him a chance to contribute. because his only contributions were questions. he wouldn't give any of his own opinions or engage in an exchange of ideas. maybe he doesn't have any.) this kid had the nerve, with this pompous smug look on his face, to say, to pretend, to presume that he just led me to all those conclusions. his face oozed condescension and self-satisfaction.

I should have punched him in the face. actually, my usual method of violence involves throwing my shoe at someone's head, though in theory, my most effective measure would be to beat with sticks. when in doubt, beat with sticks. I did none of these things. I rolled my eyes, put my backpack down, got out my phone, and proceeded to check the time about every ten seconds for the next minute. then I said, blegh it smells like hotdogs, because it did, the blegh included because I am not often a fan of hotdogs. then he said "you don't like hotdogs? then I cannot talk to you anymore." and I said "that's too bad" in a more or less "I don't give a crap" kind of way. and we walked away.

and I proceeded to stew and boil over. BOILING OVER.

male female relationships should be based on mutual respect. you might think you've caught me there, but every person has their own way of gaining respect for someone. mine is largely based on having opinions, not necessarily my opinions, just well-thought-out opinions. I respect people who love learning and thinking and questioning the world. and I respect people who respect me without any decrease in their own self-respect.

also, witty is good. wit without trying to be funny. you can always tell when someone is trying to be funny. and it is never funny.

the only opinion this kid has really revealed to me is that he prides himself on leading me to my own enlightenment. no. minus 20 billion points from gryffindor.

with very few exceptions -- men are stupid. men are horrible. and men are mean. (in both the hurtful and the lowly sense). I am perfectly ready to acknowledge that this is not the case. come on, prove me wrong! prove me wrong!! I want to be proven wrong. as it is, I have to assume that every man is stupid, horrible and mean until they prove otherwise. some have succeeded. some have the benefit of never having to prove a thing (hello father!) but most have to prove it. and most have failed.

abysmally.

you may think I have decided to think this way. but I only think this way because experience and observation have forced me to. I do not have a disposition to instinctively hate. quite the opposite. so you have to ask yourself why I do. well, I came to these conclusions for a reason and have yet to be substantially proven wrong. in the meantime, the only thing I can do is try to find and enjoy the exceptions.

and spend the rest of the semester glowering. kid, prepare yourself for the cold shoulder. and oh, my friends, can I give the cold shoulder.