concession

okay okay

I know

I am a fool
and 100% ridiculous
and completely out of control

as alexander would say - I am eating humble pie
(everything is illuminated)

okay. I have been thinking about it. and I actually know an awful lot of men who are amazing - smart and funny and intellectual and respectful and very kind. usually, they don't even need to earn my respect - it just is. with good people, you can tell. I do them a great disservice to rant my generalizations like this. and it is entirely unfair to write off all goodness because of a single fault.

and as my friends point out to me, I would hate to be generalized as a woman with the airhead simpering fools. I don't consider those qualities to be inherent in women. and certainly not in me. (aside from the fool part) I know the tendency to generalize. I do it far too often. and I fear being generalized like that. so I have no excuse to be doing that same thing to men.

I don't know why I let something so small and insignificant get to me so badly. it got to me. it's true. even when I'm all settled down now, I still feel all turmoiled and troubled. and I don't like it. I give away my own power when I let people manipulate my passion. but at the same time, my passion makes me feel powerful. I don't understand it. but I feel like it's a gift more than anything else. maybe I just don't quite know how to use it yet.

I think I let the little things get to me like this because I see this mindset, I see this assumption in people, and it may not be affecting anything significant right here and now, but it just reminds me of all the men who propound this thinking into something venomous and hurtful. men who use this thinking to justify great evils they do to women all over the world and all throughout time.

my anger is a protest against the injustice of it all.
my passion is an expression of a deep-rooted love for my sisters the world over, so powerful and undeniable that I don't know how else to stand it. I think that's the real gift I'm talking about here.

sometimes I feel so powerless to change a thing.
and ranting feels like the only thing I can do.

apologies.