I hate crushes.
they drive you crazy. you feel so excited and pathetic at the same time. you read into everything and then discount it and then do it again. you let everything make you smile, even when you know it has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be the one standing there. you find yourself thinking about him randomly during the day, for no reason at all, wondering something you don't know about him, wondering if he wonders about you, knowing he doesn't.
it comes out of nowhere. it's been a long time in coming and you see that now, but you couldn't until it punched you in the face. you can't place when it happened, there was just a moment when you considered, and suddenly what had been growing all along came out in force.
wise friends hear you out, tell you it's okay with a light déjà passé in their tone and you know you should listen, you know they must be right, but the longing's still there, a confusion sitting heavy in my chest.
and ultimately, in a couple of weeks, when you know you can't take holding it in anymore, when you're sure he's got to know -- it's written all over your face, in your eyes, the effusion in every word that you try to hold in and fail quite miserably ... ultimately, he knows, everyone knows, and there you sit, a lone idiot, foolish for hoping, embarrassed for letting/making this happen again.
I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue has tied off
My brain's repeating
"If you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.
Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And I can't wait to go gray
And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If I'd only thought of something charming to say.
this is the sound of settling.
(death cab for cutie)
I really have no clue who you're talking about. Crushes aren't all bad, though--they prepare you for "true love" (which is actually two crushes being reciprocated, but in a serious kind of mature way)
ReplyDeleteWHY DON'T I KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT !?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteand i'm going to have to disagree with your mom, i don't think "true love" is two crushes being reciprocated, because if that were so i would have like 29384793274 "true loves" by now. but then i think about love/lust/affection in an entirely different way.
i think that crush is a stupid term. i don't know what to use instead of it, but i think it sounds very elementary school.
maybe "like" is the term i'm looking for. or "the boy of my affection". i think that crush makes it sound like that-hot-guy-over-there, and you don't relly have feelings for those guys, they're just eye candy. the guys you have feelings for you typically know.
i'm not articulating this very well. and i'm hungry. you should CALL ME and tell me about this fellow.
by definition, a crush is neither serious nor mature. I think she means that even true love starts with a crush.
ReplyDeletea crush is sometimes someone you know well, but not always. I think it's defined by giddy and unreasonable emotion for someone, a complete lack of control over one's feelings.
I would call you if I weren't feeling sick and needing to go to work.