thoughts:
my french house friends are so wonderful. we are so comfortable together, always. I can come home at 1 in the morning for the first time since 10am and there they are, watching arrested development and drinking sangria, with a spot for me on the couch. and we laugh and laugh and time travel and sing spanish drinking songs and huddle under oceane's comforter.
I like michelle's craig and how he interacts with her, and he's outgoing and fun so it's not hard to get along with him, but I hate the intermediate stages of friendship. I'd like to just be tight with him right now, but I guess it takes more than one evening for that. I don't know if there's going to be anymore though, we're all so busy. the pizza we made was disgusting and it wasn't my fault but it made me really sad. and mad.
when stephan gets married, it's going to be sad because I won't be able to hang out with just him anymore. it's not the same thing, hanging out with your best friend, and hanging out with your best friend and his wife when you're single.
I hate it when people tell you that you will become attracted to someone and like them more the more you hang out with them. I guess that works sometimes, but I don't want to have to learn to like someone. it sounds like getting along with the bully or the queen bee in 1st grade or something. I don't believe in love at first sight, standing alone anyway, but I do believe in initial attraction.
is it so wrong to want an ideal? is it so impossible to find him? everyone says it's okay to have standards for a guy as long as you don't hold to them. ??? then what's the point in having them? if I'm in love with someone, I'm not going to refuse him just because he's blond or something, and I'm not going to deny an attraction to someone who isn't what I imagine my ideal to be. but doesn't anyone ever get what they want? can't I get what I want?
I want a tall, thin european with dark hair and fine fingers. I want to live in europe and raise my children in another language, another culture, another mindset. I want a thinker, a poet, with soulful eyes and a soulful pen. someone gentle and kind, but passionate and vibrant. someone who believes I am the most wonderful angel on earth, because he will be to me.
I am currently happily single because I have yet to meet anyone like this. and I don't think I should have to "learn to like" in the meantime. I can enjoy being with people just fine without wanting to marry them.
I think people say that it's ok to have ideals as long as you don't hold to them, because you never really know what's truly going to make you happy. You say you want a tall, thin European but what if your true love turns out to be a squat dude from Montana? If you stick to your 'ideals,' you could really miss out.
ReplyDeleteI think what generally happens (with happy relationships anyway) is that you have your ideals and then when you meet the right person you realize which ideals are and aren't all that important to you.
Would you rather get what you think you want or be happy?
I know my favorite type, but looks aren't going to make or break it for me. I find myself attracted to people of widely varying types all of the time. so the tall, thin is not important, and the european isn't really either, as long as we live in europe.
ReplyDeletei don't think you're going to start off living in europe, but you'll make it there eventually. like after you get really great jobs there.
ReplyDeletebut i agree with ben, you should always have something in mind, but you really can't help your heart.
i kind of hate that, because love is such an obnoxious feeling. it would be nice if we could control who we fall in love with.
i know i've said this before, but i'll say it again, i think that you might be cutting yourself off from it because you're so used to being independent.
i think that even if you had feelings for someone and they had feelings for you, you'd probably come up with some reason not to act on them in the name of rationale and practicality.
of course i fall in love too easily, i know that, and i can't control it. and i hate it. because being in love sucks, especially when it's over.
i should probably go blog about this.
I don't really think so. I know I'm independent, but I definitely know how to act on feelings. maybe not the same way you do, but if we both really like each other, why wouldn't we do something about it?
ReplyDeletebecause it might get in the way of studying, or going on a mission or taking a job somewhere, or living abroad, or, oh, so many things.
ReplyDeletelove has a tendency to screw up all your plans.