your fellow fellow

I have yet to turn in an essay to my writing fellow for my humanities class. It was due a week ago. When she returned the papers to the class today, she handed me a letter that said, "Where is your paper young lady?" signed Your Fellow Fellow (we fellows love to say that) with a couple sheets of THIS attached. I laughed out loud in class as I read it. Maybe this is something only writing fellows-ish people appreciate, but I had to share.

Every year, English teachers from across America can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

Do enjoy last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

9. McBride fell 12 stores, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetables soup.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

13. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

14. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

15. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

16. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

20. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.