epargne-moi

my pinkie fingers look like baby carrots
my feet don't touch the floor in this chair I'm sitting in

I know the things I need to change
(stop being so damn lazy
eat healthier go running meditate
read my textbooks
actually study stop coasting
drink in this experience
sleep wake up repeat)
but I don't know where to start
do I have the self-discipline to do this?

I'm trying to get new jobs for the fall/winter semesters
they would be so wonderful
so much one billion times better than what I'm doing now
1) French student instructor (teach entry level french classes)
2) English writing fellow (tutor ickle firsties in writing skills & paper editing)
I hope so much that these things happen

I am actually going to france
in about a month and a half
it's coming so quickly and
I can't believe how incredible it's going to be
I am so ready for this
I can't wait for my ears to be surrounded by french
real french
not returned-missionary/I'm so full of crap french
epargne-moi

my chest cavity doesn't feel invaded anymore.
I feel very much like me.
it scares me a little.
I'm not sure that anything can be done about it.
or if I want anything to be done about it.
that's the problem.