the story of things

I was talking to my mom yesterday, and she was saying how sometimes I say things on here that make her cringe, cause in my shoes she wouldn't say it. I know what she means. what I don't know is why I feel the need to send these things out into the great unknown. or why I feel the need to tell people things all the time - most of the time, I have no reason to trust those people with those things, but I do it anyway. sometimes I wish I wouldn't. sometimes it makes things not as profound anymore when I repeat them all over the place. maybe that's the unconscious goal, to make things not so important, that if I say it over and over, it'll fade away and so will all of my problems and emotions.

it's really important to me to not censor myself on this blog. of course, there's some self-censoring inherent in any kind of self-expression, especially writing because you have the extra filter of having to physically write it out rather than just saying it or keeping it in. but in general, I've always thought it was crucially important to me to say what I want to say regardless of who reads this, because this method of self-expression is mostly for me. I love that people read this and enjoy and appreciate it, and I love the thought that something I've written can make a difference to someone or give them something greater. that's what I love about writing in general, that's why I share my poetry, otherwise, it would just be for me and I would keep it to myself.

so yes, I share these thoughts with you. this is not my journal, I already have one of those. there are certainly things I don't say here. but there are things I put in both places. and there are things that I need to send out instead of keeping them in. sometimes I regret that I feel that way. sometimes I regret what I let people know about me. but this blog exists and you, readers, also exist. and I'm going to ask you to please merit the trust I put in you by letting you get to know some of my deepest inner self. I don't always like what I need to say or the fact that I need to say it. I don't always like putting myself in the hands of other people. so please, be kind. be constructive. and don't be hasty.

"... my name is growing all the time, and I've lived a very long, long time; so my name is like a story. Real names tell you the story of things they belong to in my language, in the Old Entish as you might say. It is a lovely language, but it takes a very long time saying anything in it, because we do not say anything in it, unless it is worth taking a long time to say, and to listen to."

"Elves began it, of course, waking trees up and teaching them to speak and learn their tree-talk. They always wished to talk to everything, the old Elves did. But then the Great Darkness came, and they passed away over the Sea, or fled into far valleys and hid themselves, and made songs about days that would never come again. Never again."

this is my name and story and it's taking a long time to say. you don't have to listen to me say it, but I've always wished to talk to everything, so there's nothing else for it. this day will never happen again. or the day after. or the day after. and I don't intend to lose them or I'll lose myself in the process.