a couple of mysteries

so.
sooooo.
so he answered me.
kryn finally answered me.

it had been almost 3 months since he'd emailed me
and almost 3 weeks since my last email.
the email.
the one that said - stop ignoring me. I don't care what you have to say anymore. I don't care if it cuts me deep. cause your silence already has. but you have to say something.
well not really, I just said stop ignoring me and left it at that.
so I thought he didn't care anymore and I could handle that.
but I could not handle not knowing anymore.
I wrote an email I thought it would be impossible to ignore.

but he ignored it.

I thought he was an being an absolute coward.
I was a little bit angry and a little bit bitter.
I was learning to move on.
it had been months since I opened my inbox with anticipation.
and out of the blue, I went into work and opened my email
and there it was.
an explanation.

you may think there could have been no excuse.
me too. I could not afford to keep hoping.
you can only give someone so many chances before you're forced to face reality.
and I had faced it. reality. in. my. face.
and I had learned I could handle it. I had to handle it.
what else can you do?

but there it sat. an explanation.
a beautifully written, thought out explanation.
and I couldn't help it.
I forgave him.
I forgave him at the beginning right after it said
I can think about him however I wish.
cause he knows I have reason to push delete and
go on my bitter, angry way.
he also knows I wouldn't.
so much of this is a guessing game where we think we know what the other person would do, how they would react, when we know that we really could have no idea.
we're a couple of mysteries, we are.

he said
you are a flash of real color in a sea of gray

and really, after everything I've put my heart through,
we could never speak again, and that would be enough.

he said
I see a seed, you see a flower

and really, he was 100% right about that.
was, because for awhile now I have seen nothing at all.

he is perceptive.
he knew what my words meant and the spaces between them.
he knows what I've been putting myself through
(because really, we all know I've been doing this to myself)
and he knows he doesn't have the right to treat this as a low-key friendship if I can't.
a couple of months ago, I couldn't have.
a couple of months ago, I was a little bit lost
in the depths of my own heart.
but now is now and not then
and now I can.

now I know how he feels (relatively) (finally)
now I don't feel
which means the simple fact that he cares about me is enough.
he does not want to hurt me.
excellent. so let's stop being hurt.

things are both confused and clarified
but it's much better than it was.
I like it this way.

no expectations