amanda's texts are hard to read

today me and amanda had a furious text messaging argument. seriously, I would be trying to answer her, tapping away as fast as I could, only to be interrupted by the arrival of two more messages. it was just as bad as a real-life argument except worse, because when we're talking face to face I can't see the rampant miss-spellings. then finally, she just called me and we could really argue. it was wonderful - I love arguing, it's so enjoyable. I love the feeling of triumphant logic, it's so fulfilling.

so we were arguing about medicine and medical care. if I am in serious condition, yeah I'll get some help, but usually I even refuse basic medicine and just suck it up and wait it out. I take advil and sudafed and that's about it. except for my acne medication. which is what took us to acutane . amanda says both that I should drop all medicinal regimen and go back to simple, basic treatment and that I should go to the other extreme and take acutane, the most powerful acne drug ever invented ever. you know, the one that liquifies babies, triggers depression, causes spontaneous nosebleeds and removes the outer layer of your face. yeah, that one. 

not that I have a baby to liquify or anything, but I am not going to put something that toxic into my body. who knows what it's doing to the rest of my internal organs? also, I know it doesn't cause depression in everybody who takes it, but I have a genetic history of depression and triggered depression. I know what depression can do to a person, and I am not about to take risks with my mental health. that is not something I want to have to struggle with every day of my life. 

I really do want to go all natural, or more natural, or a little bit natural, in regards to my acne, but I'm just too scared to do it right now. I've probably tried more than ten different skin care regimens, and when I say tried I mean given a good year of trying, and they've all stopped working. my face would be the worst it's ever been and I could not imagine it being any worse, but every time it gets far worse. if I've found something that works for me for now, I'm not going to stop. you can say all you like what works for you and what I shouldn't be doing with my skin, you can spout and spout, but I'm not going to give you the time of day until your face has looked as bad as mine has. until you've felt as awful as I have. cause I've heard it all already.

man, this got all depressing. the argument wasn't all heavy and poetic, it was actually pretty fun. 

to all people everywhere

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I didn't have the articulation in me until today.

9/11 was an indescribably awful event. I remember being scared. I remember watching the collapse on tv. I remember people with dried blood on their dust-coated, dumb-founded faces. I remember the pentagon a smoldering quadrilateral ruin. in my city. my world. 

but the anniversary of 9/11 is only a solemn and important day of remembrance for me because it happened in my sphere of memory. 

I do not remember world war 2, but both my grandpas were in it. all of my great-uncles were in military service. all of them have their now-faded, browning military portraits with starched shirts and cocked hats and sacred personality beaming out of their eyes, their smiles, the way they square their shoulders. it's hard to believe that none of them died. but 50 million people did. 15 million soldiers, 20 million russians, 6 millions jews, 4 million poles. I can hardly conceptualize 3 thousand people, let alone millions upon millions.

I do not remember the civil war, but it's incredible how close the connections are of living human memory. my mother's grandfather was born at that time, his father was in the war. that's only three generations. the battle of gettysburg alone had in four days almost the same number of casualties as the entire vietnam war.

every human life is precious, every violent, unjust death lamented. but it is hard for me to categorize 9/11 or the war in iraq with the more drastically disastrous events of human history. I cannot feel that americans were wronged without acknowledging millions of rwandans. japanese. jews. chinese. vietnamese. bosnians. afghans. iraqis. and that's just recent history.

all war is horrific. all people living under its shadow robbed of the humanity that they inherently deserve as members of the human race, this world family. humanity is the essence of life. and those who have butchered their own humanity, the perpetrators, have not only obliterated their own, they have unjustly stolen what belongs to others. can you murder without actually taking a life? absolutely.

every young soldier in every war has the dear angelic face of my love. every woman starving to feed her children is my mother. every girl who has lived through the absolute hell of rape is my sister, my best friend. every orphaned child who saw his mother raped or tortured or father beaten or shot is my baby. they are my family and I love them and I can't just sit here for the rest of my life with my food and house and family and education. with my opportunities. "the world" needs lawyers, lobbyists, stock brokers, "professionals". what the world really needs is people. because people love. 

I can't save the world, but I sure as hell am going to try.

from the archives ... ahem... notebook

It's been years, but my pen is inching towards me across my desk, like the piano that sends vibrations up the stairs to itch my idle fingers. Words bounce off each other in the jumble of thoughts and emotions in my head, battling to take precedence over the now. My lids are quick to close in a moment of mental drifting and I look at the clock, incredulous at my own stupidity -- I will feel it in the morning -- but still I can't force my fingers to stop doing my thinking for me, my feeling. Prodigy, prodigious, progeny, profligate, prose. I don't know what's driving the pen anymore, or me for that matter. Maybe just a dire need for strawberries and sleep. A search for sanity. No choice but to settle with sleep. In the vast solitude of neither sense nor skill, a soft descent into the calm chaos of my night. Night that will edge into a musty dawn long before I have exhausted the haven of abstraction.

thoughts on sarah palin

In a recent comment to the New York Times, Alaska delegate Bill Noll had this to say about Sarah Palin and her recent family turbulence: "If this doesn't resonate with every woman in America, I'll eat my hat."

Dear Bill, get ready to eat your hat.

the following are my favorite excerpts from a blog brought to my attention by ben.

As a woman, I do not blindly support women first. I do not believe any woman will do. I believe that it is the rare individual who can lead this country. I want someone exceptional. I want someone smarter than I am, more judicious than I am, and more knowledgeable. I look forward to the day when that person happens to also be female. Until then, I do not support promoting a woman just because of her gender.

This assumption relieves Senator McCain and his supporters of the burden of viewing women as thinking, sentient beings fully equal to men. Instead of an acknowledgment of equality, John McCain's choice is pandering of the cheapest and most obvious kind and has cost him the respect of women across the globe. Obviously, the man is threatened by strong, capable women with proven credentials or he'd have chosen one of the many thoroughly qualified women representing his party in Washington.

It is our duty to question her and judge her, not on her parenting or family, but on her intellect, knowledge, experience, and viewpoint.

It is easy to use the epithet of elitist when those you oppose are in fact, more highly qualified and far better educated than you are.

I don't doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association, she doesn't just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.

American women ... finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can't be equal outside the home until men are equal in it. Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children.

amen.

before this, I didn't prefer mccain, but I respected him. I was probably going to vote for obama, but I was still willing to give the conservatives a chance. well, this has tipped the scales and if I'm not mistaken, I'm not the only moderate woman's vote he's lost. not by far.

ergo

I love learning. 

I have also recently discovered a life philosophy that I'd like to try out.

therefore, I am actually considering not graduating in three years.

(fun as it would be to graduate the same time as my mom)

"All genres are essentially the same until the end,

so you don't know which one you're inhabiting until you reach the end."

I'm tired of trying to know the end. 

I'm okay with just trying to experience the now.

jesus is even better than thoreau

I had to read the whole book of mark for my new testament class today, cause the class just covers the gospels, so we start with getting the whole picture of jesus's ministry. I'm really excited about this class, about the insights I'm going to get just from studying the gospels. I haven't read much of anything other than the book of mormon for awhile now, and I think I really miss other scripture.

from this reading I have discovered that jesus was a freaking genius! I mean, not only is he amazing in every other way, he's a master of logic and language. I think I'm more attuned to it right now cause I've been reading walden, but he is so wonderfully profound. and so sassy. 

and I was really impressed by his love for the individual. he gave of himself constantly for others, even those who didn't really believe him, they just wanted a miracle. and he gave it to them because he loved them and wanted to help them. when he healed the man with palsy that they lowered through the roof, first he forgave him of his sins. and if you think about it, his sins were already forgiven. I see those words as a loving reassurance, of jesus giving a soul peace. 

also, when the crazy possessed man who broke his chains and cut himself up with rocks came to him, jesus asked the name, not the name of the man, but the name of the spirit possessing him (cause it was the evil spirit that came and bowed before him, asking him not to send him away). jesus knew that spirit. that spirit was a brother. and he felt sadness for him who had so destroyed his hopes for eternal progression or remote happiness.

the message of christ and most, if not all, religion is love and peace. whatever disagreements religions have, we should focus more on that. all religion is based on faith. so we have faith in the reality of different truths. okay. but we also believe that the fruits of those truths, no matter what truths they are, are love and peace. so let's stop arguing about the details and get to it.

blank

we're the same but we're so different

I don't know what to say

I'm not sure if I know you

or if it's all in my head.

am I putting up walls

or tearing them down?

or is it the same thing?

I wish I could be like you

so open, clear, and free

I'm fishing for feelings

but all I feel is distance

and I try to face your freedom

but it's hard to look you in the eyes

are they reaching, searching?

or is it just wishful thinking?

I've read your words, heard your voice

are you thinking them now?

or do you reserve them for others

more interesting, more charming?

I'm doing my best

but I'm just drawing a

blank.