it's snowing again. I'm skipping class again. oh it's not really that bad, it's only the second time for this class, but I swear, once you get this uber-student gene or complex or whatever it is started, there's just no shutting it off. and I think I got started in kindergarten. I feel incredibly guilty right now. probably cause I really want to be in class, and I imagine the professor hates me now, even though I'm sure he doesn't, and I think we're choosing monologues today, or at least saying which one we want, and I want to get the one I want to do. so why am I not in class? because I am incapable of organizing my life so that I can accomplish what I need to as a student and actually sleep ever. I just couldn't wake up this morning. I could have run to class, but my mom who's in town :) is picking me up to do some stuff after school, one of which is getting my passport photos, which means I can't just run to class looking like this ...
it's stupid when you don't have your life in control because you're trying to do lots of good things but can't manage to fit them in with all of the must-do things. last night I gifted, sang, read, discussed brain capacity, neural networks and REM sleep with a friend, played babyfoot (only 1 game! admire the self-control), read scriptures, meditated, sang mantras and stretched, drank tea and did some emailing. tell me that is not a good, productive list! I just didn't happen to read diderot's paradoxe sur le comedien, or catch up on all the other reading I've been slacking off on, or go to bed before 2.30 am. I think an intervention is in order. I don't know what to do with myself.
on a happier note, my mom is here! I haven't been able to spend too much time with her, she is watching my niece and nephew (who are sick) after all, but we spent saturday afternoon together and we're going to go do some stuff at 1 today, including getting my passport (!) adjusting my new glasses and doing some really critical shopping. claire and jesse should be coming up from vegas for valentine's day weekend, so I'll be spending most of the weekend with family. hooray! I love my family.
2.10.2009
2.05.2009
sparrows
you bring me to tears
just barely
but it panics me in my chest
just here
can you see it rising in me?
what shall we call it?
I can still hold them back
if I do not sing
but how long?
how long til you render me
flooded?
I have never been fragile
but now, blown glass
I'm not complaining
don't tiptoe in circles please
walk straight
just so.
I need to see you, clear
as you recede
or reappear.
I am awash
with introspect and doubts
that were always self-inflicted
before this moment.
I reach
but am met with lilting shadows
that drop behind words
when my hand gets too close,
like skittish sparrows.
I don't know how you did this.
I wonder, do you?
and I sing outside and in
their musing words that
turn barely into truly
for one solid minute
just one
darling, you bring me to tears
just barely
but it panics me in my chest
just here
can you see it rising in me?
what shall we call it?
I can still hold them back
if I do not sing
but how long?
how long til you render me
flooded?
I have never been fragile
but now, blown glass
I'm not complaining
don't tiptoe in circles please
walk straight
just so.
I need to see you, clear
as you recede
or reappear.
I am awash
with introspect and doubts
that were always self-inflicted
before this moment.
I reach
but am met with lilting shadows
that drop behind words
when my hand gets too close,
like skittish sparrows.
I don't know how you did this.
I wonder, do you?
and I sing outside and in
their musing words that
turn barely into truly
for one solid minute
just one
darling, you bring me to tears
title and registration
can't get this out of my head today.
look it up, the music is what makes it.
the glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it.
so i'm proposing a swift orderly change.
cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail-lights fading east
to find yourself a better life.
i was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
cause it's too important
to stay the way it's been
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night (up all night)
when i'm lying awake at night.
(death cab for cutie)
look it up, the music is what makes it.
the glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it.
so i'm proposing a swift orderly change.
cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail-lights fading east
to find yourself a better life.
i was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
cause it's too important
to stay the way it's been
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night (up all night)
when i'm lying awake at night.
(death cab for cutie)
tonight I feel ...
- pretty
- comfortable in my skin
- healthy
- ready to keep trying
- shy smiley
- poetic
- handy, creative
- confused
- cocoa butter
- hope
- ache
- thoughtful
- petite
- ready for sleep
hope you all feel some of my happy thoughts tonight. dormez avec les anges et les etoiles, mes amis. a plus.
- comfortable in my skin
- healthy
- ready to keep trying
- shy smiley
- poetic
- handy, creative
- confused
- cocoa butter
- hope
- ache
- thoughtful
- petite
- ready for sleep
hope you all feel some of my happy thoughts tonight. dormez avec les anges et les etoiles, mes amis. a plus.
2.03.2009
d&c blog numero deux
no coherent narratives today, just a bunch of thoughts I've had this past week:
- we believe that the New Jerusalem is where Christ will reign on the earth during the millennium and preside in all righteousness. we also believe that this city will be built in Independence, Missouri. sometimes I think, how random, what a ridiculously random place for Zion to be. but if you think about it, any place that it would be is just a regular someplace for somebody. not everything always have to be fantastic. in fact, the more I learn about my religion, the more I am struck by how clear-cut, how simple, how understandable it is. that's how truth usually feels, it just kind of sits in your chest and infiltrates your being.
- brigham young said, "To live with saints in heaven is bliss and glory, to live with saints on earth is another story." this class is clarifying a lot of things for me and I'm seeing more and more how so many people within the church just aren't all there. myself absolutely included. I had a really amazing conversation with oceane the other day about this among other things and I decided I'd never realized before how much members themselves struggle with things that have always seemed basic to me. and this is because my parents were such good examples to me. they weren't perfect for sure, I think they misunderstood the crucial need to address issues by specifics, but I'm beginning to truly value what they showed me through a genuine way of being. President Hinckley said, "It is not enough to simply be known as a member of this Church." more is required. as we increase in knowledge, so God expects more of us.
- sufferings will be made up in the atonement. it will be made right. with agency & the atonement, nothing will be taken from us. the greek word for perfect really means whole or complete. we live in the dispensation of the fulness of times. the revealed ordinances of the temple make it possible to obtain the fulness of the priesthood. God does not leave this or any work undone and we, as his grief and his glory, He will not leave us undone either.
- we believe that the New Jerusalem is where Christ will reign on the earth during the millennium and preside in all righteousness. we also believe that this city will be built in Independence, Missouri. sometimes I think, how random, what a ridiculously random place for Zion to be. but if you think about it, any place that it would be is just a regular someplace for somebody. not everything always have to be fantastic. in fact, the more I learn about my religion, the more I am struck by how clear-cut, how simple, how understandable it is. that's how truth usually feels, it just kind of sits in your chest and infiltrates your being.
- brigham young said, "To live with saints in heaven is bliss and glory, to live with saints on earth is another story." this class is clarifying a lot of things for me and I'm seeing more and more how so many people within the church just aren't all there. myself absolutely included. I had a really amazing conversation with oceane the other day about this among other things and I decided I'd never realized before how much members themselves struggle with things that have always seemed basic to me. and this is because my parents were such good examples to me. they weren't perfect for sure, I think they misunderstood the crucial need to address issues by specifics, but I'm beginning to truly value what they showed me through a genuine way of being. President Hinckley said, "It is not enough to simply be known as a member of this Church." more is required. as we increase in knowledge, so God expects more of us.
- sufferings will be made up in the atonement. it will be made right. with agency & the atonement, nothing will be taken from us. the greek word for perfect really means whole or complete. we live in the dispensation of the fulness of times. the revealed ordinances of the temple make it possible to obtain the fulness of the priesthood. God does not leave this or any work undone and we, as his grief and his glory, He will not leave us undone either.
cherubim and a flaming sword
(j. kirk richards)
(j. kirk richards)
2.02.2009
dream blog 7
I flew into london. I thought I was going to miss my flight cause I was watching tv or something, but I was wrong about the time, so I made it. after I got there, I got into this car, a really big intense suv. amanda is there too, and a couple other people, a guy and a girl, I travelled with them, but I can't remember who they are now. amanda is driving. I am sitting behind her, looking at the concavity of the car's window and deciding how I would sleep on it when I got tired. very convenient.
I can't remember any of the conversation. then amanda gets up and goes past me and opens a door and walks down this huge long corridor to the end. it looks like one corner of my rec room at home, with an old desk and computer. the whole corridor sways with the rest of the car, it is definitely attached, like the most ridiculous semi truck ever. when amanda leaves, I look at the wheel and there's a large screen and the car/truck/monstrosity is navigating itself. we're in the country and there are these huge networks of tiered roads, hedges, and wheat fields. we are going down, onto the second level. there are donkeys grazing.
there is a dilemma of some kind, but I don't remember anything else.
I can't remember any of the conversation. then amanda gets up and goes past me and opens a door and walks down this huge long corridor to the end. it looks like one corner of my rec room at home, with an old desk and computer. the whole corridor sways with the rest of the car, it is definitely attached, like the most ridiculous semi truck ever. when amanda leaves, I look at the wheel and there's a large screen and the car/truck/monstrosity is navigating itself. we're in the country and there are these huge networks of tiered roads, hedges, and wheat fields. we are going down, onto the second level. there are donkeys grazing.
there is a dilemma of some kind, but I don't remember anything else.
vintage
celebrated my birthday with the girls on saturday. we went to guru's for a late lunch. oh so delicious. that place has never disappointed me. in fact, it has always exceeded my expectations. then we walked just a couple blocks in downtown provo to the coal umbrella, a vintage clothing store that I have heard much about but had yet to visit. bad idea. very bad idea. it is absolutely incredibly awesome in every way. I spent fifty bucks on these most decadent items.
blegh. I have a most awful headache. anise tea didn't help. nor did keira knightley in pride and prejudice. gah I can't stand her.
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