dreamblog minipost

this dream had angelina jolie in it, which is weird, because I can't stand her. she was tricked into capture by none other than brad pitt. she was sitting on a cot with another woman. she had on red lipstick (of course). another woman was standing in front of her next to the cot her head was out of the frame, because it was like a movie in my head she was on the side of the captors, was wearing a brown small houndstooth skirt suit, holding a large sheaf of papers or a book, not sure which.

then, fast as lightning, jolie snatches one of the papers in her arms, which is brown like parcel paper, and in a whir, folds it into a little dart thing, like a tiny paper airplane, and throws it at the suit woman's chest. it sticks her and she bleeds. jolie grabs another paper and folds speed-quick again. the woman turns and walks away, towards me/the screen. jolie throws the 2nd dart at her back and the woman falls over dead. then there was a totally bizarre part with this cartoon bear dressed in a wonderwoman costume ... ?

um, yeah.

dreamblog

---

me and dad in a church building, supposedly during church time, but there was a big reception going on, with tables and chairs set up in the cultural hall but also a big set-up in the hallway and some of the other rooms. anniversary celebration for eric and lynne stout. holding plaster masks of themselves, one guy still had plaster all over his face. taking pictures with an old accordion-style camera. I was talking to a black guy about my studies and we were speaking in french, my accent was not very good, and a black boy was sitting around listening.

---

me and andy - we keep diving into this giant aquarium and playing with this smallish killer whale. I would bring a fish in my pocket for him. he was super cute and friendly. last time we dived in to visit, there was a bigger whale, and we could see the bottom of a boat, and a creepy carnivore fish was trying to get the mini fish in my pocket, so I gave it to it. we looked for the killer whale, very worried, and found it attached to the wall of the aquarium, lying on the wall on its stomach, and attached to the wall by two tubes with large round pumps on the ends attached to the wall, like a breathing machine and the whale was ... wheezing? breathing with difficulty. I was very sad. then the creepy fish was kind of chasing us. it wasn't attacking, but it was being antagonistic and aggressive and scary. when we tried to get out of the aquarium, it would go out into the water "hallway" and head us off every time we tried. eventually we got out.

---

some kind of camping thing. I think with some of the people from my backpacking class, including patti, the teacher. measuring dirt into mason jars to take out for catholes, but there were tons of little daddylonglegs in the dirt. I kept trying to get dirt without d.l.legs, but it was hard. for some reason, the d.l.legs kind of swarmed to my right armpit, but only there. there was a gigantic spider, six or seven inches across. turned out to be a black widow, very clearly when I saw its underside when I knocked it down. right about when I was showing it to patti, another student had found another one. patti killed it, but not mine yet - I was paranoid about squishing it and ended up inadvertently stepping on it anyway. there was a little train between our camp and a stop in town. we rode it a few times.

---

in a horse race, I was the jockey, the horse was young and inexperience and fast (of course - isn't this how all jockey stories go down?) on the racecourse. we have a couple of narrow misses where horses around us go down. one in particular, I'm looking behind me and the horse behind goes totally down, in slow motion, jockey trapped beneath. we don't manage to stay on the track the whole time, because I was backwards on the horse or something and turning back around to get back up the right way scared the horse.

at an apartment, mine, living with kristin depalma and lesa. lesa made pumpkin pie - trying to decide if it could be entered in some competition, but she seemed to think it was overdone. kristin broke andy's computer somehow - it was sitting upside down in a blue butterfly chair in her room. but for some reason, this meant his car was broken. did she break that, too? she was supposed to get it fixed, but apparently she ran off for the weekend with a bunch of laundry and not a word about it.

dream extravaganza!

1

going on some kind of trip, having to do with music maybe. ben rasmussen, too. he was in a wheelchair? we were trying to get to the airport, walking along a sidewalk. for some reason I go back home, which is more an apartment or hotel really, not my actual house, because I forgot something. in the bathroom, almost every spare inch of the counter and in the drawers was covered in different types of makeup brushes, especially blush brushes, courtesy of amanda, who I live with. mme thompson was helping me pack and get everything that I needed into my suitcase. there was a chunker baby, but I can't remember who, and also gregory who was watching the baby and helping me, too. then I was on my way back to the airport - walking was difficult - something wrong with my legs. not sure why ben was in a wheelchair.

2 * pay attention - this one is epic *

two cars blocking veronica lane, I'm walking up from malynda's house, there's a hyena trying to catch and eat a deer in the yard. gregory's there and a couple other men in the yard, but they're not doing anything. I try to distract and intimidate the hyena. it's brigham dallas (guy from the french house) - hyena body with brigham's head on it. he won't stop chasing the deer so I beat him with my sweater (my rust red prep school sweater except it was longer) and one of the buttons cuts him on the brow. he's deterred for a moment, but then starts after the deer again, so I go to the garage to get a stick. I pick one up as he comes in the garage to get me, but the stick has a skewer/marshmallow roaster on the end of it and I don't want to hurt him, but he says "no, go ahead, it's okay." but I don't want to, so he takes it and sticks it into his chest - kind of a detail shot on the impaling wound.

Indian dad from the darjeeling limited. we're sitting at a conference room table with another man. he's relating the worry and difficulty of bringing his toddler son with him to work and not knowing what time I'm going to come in or if I'm going to take care of him, etc. I tell him that he just had to tell me it was part of my job to take care of the kid and then we could have talked about what he needed me to do and when. I would be happy to do it.

big lady with short, mousy curly hair teaching me the proper way to clearn the bathroom stalls as part of my job.

Asian guy, author, malynda's house, another part of my job - to read his manuscripts, maybe? there was some problem we needed to talk through, but I can't remember what it was.

3

french mother & child

black car, construction or police stuff on the highway, told us to slow down

driver went to the back of the car to handle some kind of health crisis

I was driving from the passenger seat

couldn't slow down fast enough and the police were upset

pulled me over, got in trouble, the french mother was mad at me

back in their home in the kid's room

met the sister? of the woman and her husband and woman's mother - brinda

she had me try on the woman's dress from when she was 16 and some other stuff

they were all really nice to me

when it was time to go to bed, they all came in and said goodnight

even the mother, who was supposedly mad at me, came and gave me a kiss goodnight

dream update

1 - navigating dark and complicated metro systems with allison, the escalators were short and quick, they kept checking our pass navigo.

I taught the first ten minutes or so of a preschool class of 3, victoria and two other girls, before celesta, the teacher, taught the rest. I was excited about the resume prospects.

in a large titanic-like boat, hollow inside, sailing against a large rock outcropping or jetty that scraped from time to time but wasn't dangerous.

charles came home and jeremy tidd, they were camping in large beige campers, three, charles didn't know that I knew jeremy because of amanda and sabine.

2 - with amanda, trowbridge was the teacher, dance class in a large ballroom with wooden floors, kind of like french castles wood floors, and a huge china cabinet - amanda lost the plate. lindsay was there in a cute dress.

3 - charlie was in the sherlock holmes movie, but it was actually a play, went to see it with allison, it was in a weird amusement-park-like place, girl kept forgetting her lines, she was tiny, like a small child. at home, gregory was trying to finagle something. I kept looking at the clocks and they were 2 hours ahead cause it was virginia and I kept freaking out cause I thought I was late for the GRE.

4 - held a certain boy's hand on a crashing airplane that ended up not crashing. though the hand-holding was unrelated to the crashing of the plane.

dreams aplenty dreams galore

1

in france?
UTA buses
the ones with green UVU ads on the sides
ginette's foot is run over by it while the bus is making a turn
or the bus wouldn't get off of it
she was wearing her double strap sandals
jeffrey wandering and being lost
I needed to help him

2

end of an into-the-wild-type experience
but more group than individual
"lessons learned" showcase
david banks & his mother
I was supposed to play piano/accompaniment
for the first 3 things & I didn't know beforehand
but what I learned/was showing was influenced by my guide
by the people I interacted with throughout my adventure
I can't remember entirely,
but I had formed a deep attachment to somebody from this experience

3

native children
snowy mountains
going down the mountain in a giant caterpillar tread wheel thing
full of children
one child - blue - got glass in his eye
rubbed
gross
eventually died
father scientist guy

at chuck e cheese
lemon infused rice and french fries
jeans and hat
mallory clark?

me, oceane & rachel drake
at the beach, on the shore, a box of bras we tried on
2 at once, black small triangle lace
close to heritage halls
were going to haggle for them, but ended up not paying

swahili class overhead project

4

at the flsr
were looking for soup pot everywhere & couldn't find it
in the common rooms to eat
lindsay dropped a huge tureen of soup
also, russell was there
asked me again if we were going to get together conference weekend
I said no, exasperated

crazy boy games
huge obstacle course built for gocarts or something
they end up doing track & field stuff
throwing a fake skull
gimli threw it too far, went to get it
there was a real skull next to the fake one in the stream
bad omen
he has nightmares and is freaked out after
I'm the only one that knows what's going on
so I go down in the cellar to talk to drew & cassi about it
really hot down in cave
but there's a bunch of men there
around large tables and in front of a fire in the stone fireplace
so we can't talk
they start fighting with swords

at celesta & paul's house
in the bathroom
it's like the whole room is a giant portapotty
the hollowed floor is full of spaghetti and plastic trays
ocelot/leopard goes to the door - was really a tiger
paul brought it back in out of the hall and a larger tiger followed
it was going to come get me, close, close, maybe 5 feet
but it stopped when I sang to it
they disappeared and I got out
at kitchen sink, faucet spraying me
celesta gets mad that I'm making a mess

nightmare I guess

sitting and waiting for trains to come at the top of a tall building.
miss lisa and someone who was supposed to be miss dina but had a weird name.
she commented on my weight gain, especially in my face.
I made kryn laugh so hard and we were laughing together, he laughed so hard he was crying, but there was someone sitting between us and I faked the length of my laugh to match his.
skinny little girls doing playground karate-looking stuff.

suddenly it's a race against time, against the bad guys.
the elevator opens and it's florence but she's on the bad guys' side and I'm screaming at her " I can't believe you! my children work with you." then I am florence and I've switched sides.
keep barely escaping in the elevator as people chase me down.
finally a french-looking soldier/combat police officer is in a position to survey me as I zip along a zipline up and down staircases. on my way back down, he shoots me in the arm -- there are little blood spirals sprayed on my sleeve and then I was scared and told him I would cooperate if he didn't shoot me again.
so I come down and he pulls this tubing & stuff out of his bag and now he's wearing a doctor's coat and I'm scared of what he's going to do -- he's going to put the tubing in me.
and I say to him "have you actually seen this movie? do they show what you're going to do to me, cause I don't want to see it" but he just smiles and keeps walking and I'm scared out of my mind that my mind would dream me into this situation.
but when he goes into some operating/scanning room, I walk right past to a door open to outside and he doesn't notice yet and when I'm outside I step over a soldier's body and I know there's a battle going on and I feel saved.

I think I was supposed to blow up the building.

some random dreams

dream:
something involving exploitation of women and hatred of men.
caroyn's dog arnold was humongous and looked different and growled at me.

dream:
I had lice. it was disgusting. they were glow-y cornflower blue.

dream:
elizabeth bennet and me, michael cera possibly, Hurlbut & co., construction zone later looked like a war wone. family friends tying modern ties into a cravat. elizabeth wore a pink dress and white stockings, but her feet were kind of flabby and it was weird.

dream:
katelyn anders and other old-school people.
a turkish prince who refused to be tempted by the bad lady.
balloons were the method of temptation.
sailing away.

dream:
kryn was at my apartment and I was like what are you doing here? as there was nothing particularly special about that weekend and he said he's flying back every week to see me.

first dreams in paris

last night
I dreamed that my legs,
which were sun-exposed
in sue's shorts during our shopping excursion,
were completely covered in freckles.
completely covered.

also, there may have been something
about receiving an email
which I have not yet really received.

bizarre much?

last night,
I dreamed that
I agreed to have sex with the king
three times
in order to save my people
from destruction.

hopefully it never comes to that.

three part dream

my sister celesta had 3 little girls instead of one and had just had another baby boy. the name escapes me, but it was a weird one. I was sitting on top of this really steep hill with my parents. I was wearing sunglasses. at the bottom of the hill was a road and this convertible pulled up with many of the bairds in it. I thought natalie was in it, but later we were going to her funeral, so I guess not. I waved, but they didn't recognize us, so I lifted my sunglasses and they knew it was me. sister arny was in the car and she got out and climbed up the hill and gave me a really long hug. later, the funeral was kind of like this huge, event I guess. there were video clips and people talking, but we were all up on the hill watching like it was a big show, or something. it was weird. later, paul was talking at the podium, it was kind of like general conference or something, and me and my parents were watching it on a tv, and he had all three of the little girls placed around him and saying scripted things at opportune moments, except they had his voice so it was really creepy. it was just plain creepy.

we were at the airport and waiting around, wasting time, I can't remember everything that happened. then we freak out cause we're late. then proceed to lounge around wasting more time, then freak out. repeat. (is this a commentary on my parents' way of making decisions? probably) then the airport people were saying that everyone in the security line was going to have to do this thing with all of their bags to go through security. everything in your stuff had to be blown on through this straw that would make all of the empty spaces in things turn red. so we started doing it to some of our carry-on stuff. it's going to take freaking forever. then, some stewardess lady leans over this balcony above us and says "what are you doing? you don't need to do that. only the ones with the most people in their group and the poorest and the ones running late for their flight have to do that." ... so we go through security.

later, I'm in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I leave the lights off for some reason. I'm at the wrong sink but I don't realize it, so I'm feeling around for my pill bottle, but it's really all of my mom's stuff there, so I'm taking her pills, lots of them, and then I realize what's going on. so I let them all dissolve in my mouth and then spit them in the sink and rinse it out. and repeat. I'd already taken a bunch, though. it didn't taste as bad as I thought it should.

dream blog 7

I flew into london. I thought I was going to miss my flight cause I was watching tv or something, but I was wrong about the time, so I made it. after I got there, I got into this car, a really big intense suv. amanda is there too, and a couple other people, a guy and a girl, I travelled with them, but I can't remember who they are now. amanda is driving. I am sitting behind her, looking at the concavity of the car's window and deciding how I would sleep on it when I got tired. very convenient.

I can't remember any of the conversation. then amanda gets up and goes past me and opens a door and walks down this huge long corridor to the end. it looks like one corner of my rec room at home, with an old desk and computer. the whole corridor sways with the rest of the car, it is definitely attached, like the most ridiculous semi truck ever. when amanda leaves, I look at the wheel and there's a large screen and the car/truck/monstrosity is navigating itself. we're in the country and there are these huge networks of tiered roads, hedges, and wheat fields. we are going down, onto the second level. there are donkeys grazing.

there is a dilemma of some kind, but I don't remember anything else.

dream blog 6

at the academy awards nomination ceremony, you know, the formal acceptance of nomination but not the real receiving of awards. I don't even know if that really exists. I was there with my parents and gregory. matthew broderick cried and it was really funny.

I'm at some xtreme sports event with my mom and I'm racing. I don't know what it was I was doing, not biking or motocross, but there were these huge jumps and I was totally doing flips off of these huge ramps and flying through the air and winning. and then I stopped. I tried it and it was scary and awesome, but I didn't keep going.

I was in an elementary school going to classes. I can't remember the details except for the mini stairs and some problem with computers or something. the teacher spoke to me.

I'm somewhere in asia. I throw in my fishing line and immediately lift it and pull up a fish. I put it in a bucket of water and bring it to this half-blind old woman. she gives me a blank look like what the hell are you giving this to me for?

some guy has an iPod just like mine. it's playing the song on my phone that's my alarm and it won't stop. I toggle the hold button and it still won't stop. I'm getting angry at it and then I wake up and my alarm is going off. surprise.

dream blog 5

I'm in this room with all of these birds, there's a feeder on the ceiling in the middle of the room. there's a man, I don't know who, who exclaims and points at a bird and says, "hey! a prius! I've never seen one before!" except he said prIus instead of prEEus. it was a smallish kind of macaw-type bird, blue mostly. it flew around for a bit, just so we could get a good look. it was beautiful. then there was another bird that I can't remember. I was doing my best to take pictures of all these.

then, from across the room, I saw a toucan. it was sitting on this ledge or shelf with a side to it, so you could only see it's head. I told the man, "look! there's a toucan!" he didn't know what that was. but, suddenly, it was on the ground ... and it wasn't a toucan. it was a pygmy rhinoceros!! a tiny, tiny pygmy rhinoceros. one side of it was just gray/black, but the left side was colorful: half soft red and the bottom half was with black zebra stripes. it's head was ... awesome. lots of colors. I think it was kind of dangerous, but it was incredible and sweetly dangerous, kind of like an animal that can hurt things just by moving around but doesn't realize they can. I'm thinking this dream may have been inspired by this painting:

or maybe it just reminded me of it.

it's called A Pair of Precocious Puffins
Precariously Perched on a Pot-Bellied Pig
by james christensen

dream blog 4

I'm in the warsaw ghetto and the nazis are shooting us. I'm with a man, but I'm not sure if he's my husband, my brother or my friend. we're at the top of this tower building and they're trying to shoot us down, but neither of us gets shot, amazingly. it is terrifying, war sounds filling my ears, trying to dodge bullets and keep out of sight. the gunshots and bombs recede. 

we go inside to my flsr apartment, but it's all old and dirty, with furniture of the era and a wonderful old piano. we play, he, mozart, upbeat, and I, chopin, tragic and heart-breaking. I'm not sure if I have children, I'm pretty sure I would have been more concerned about them if I had, but they take the children to a central location to try and protect them. 

there's a library in the 3rd floor commons, still open, and I go. it's the morning when we know the nazis are going to attack; everyone sitting in the library, just a handful of people, aren't really there for any other reason than to casually await their deaths. it looks like it's run by nuns, but they're probably just stern, capable, uniformed females. they go about their library tasks, facing death with efficiency and defiance. a couple people, a professor here, a student there, continue studying as if nothing of any consequence were happening today, as if studying would transition them to the next world without any pain at all. most of the books are gone anyway, so I go back to the apartment empty-handed.

there's a key on a little rod that I have to keep safe, it is so crucially important. I'm carrying it everywhere. I set it once on the piano while I play, once on the wooden shelves. I think I've misplaced it, find it, think about putting it in my shoe, but don't. there's something strangely comforting about clutching it in my fist. the man and another woman tell me we're bringing the couch and chairs down to help form a barricade. we start to take them outside, but they take it down and I stay. they come back soon with the couch. they didn't need it for some reason. 

a storm starts to brew, wind blowing old boxes and broken chairs and paper all through the dirty alleyways. I hear the planes approaching, but the storm picks up, it's impossible to see. they can't possibly see. I watch at the window, the curtain held back with my hand, as the wind blows harder and the torrents come down and fill the empty field and the wide alley stairways. everything's a river -- gray, swirling, angry. 

and suddenly the storm clears. there's a lake in the center of all the buildings where the field was. everyone runs out as I watch. they strip down and start diving and swimming in the lake. everything has gone from muted grays to brilliant green grass and dazzlingly azure blue lake and ponds everywhere. the water is like a tropical sea, beautiful and other-worldly. it hurts my eyes. people are swimming and cheering and laughing, carefree, naked and wild in their joy of survival. 

I think, what fools, the planes will be back any minute, the sky has cleared, they're going to mow them down. soon enough, I hear the drone of german planes. I let the curtain drop as cries of recognition start to go up outside. fear rises in my chest. the key digs into my palm. I hide under the piano as the bombs start to drop.

I don't know if I live or not -- my mom called me and I woke up.

dream blog numero 3

trains. 

there is me and adrien brody(ish) and another man and we're close and ridiculous. we have tickets, but they're already in our train compartments. we're just re-catching this train. we know it's coming but we're criss-crossing this maze of rooms and halls in the train station trying to find the platform before the train comes and goes. we're racing each other and each taking a different path to get there. down crazy wood-slat steps, through tiny rooms with rust-colored walls and tiny windows. the first time, I have to search and backtrack to find the right way. the second and third times I have the dream, I know my way better each time. other things happen on the train that I can't remember. and never once do I remember actually getting on the train. just hearing it, searching for it, then suddenly on it, in my compartment, in my bed. or exploring the train. this happens a couple times. the last time, the way through the station gets slightly off, I don't know exactly how to find it anymore. I find the small square window I need to climb through, but there's a big lock on it from the outside. I find a couple of asian guys and ask for help, that I really need to catch this train, but they take their sweet time and make me tell my whole story and I miss the train. so have the others.

half the time this was real and the other half of the time some part of me knew, looking at a magazine, at pictures of natalie portman and my guys, that it was part of a movie. half the time I kind of forgot if I was a man or a woman and the other half of the time, I was definitely a woman, fully aware of the power I had over my 2 friends and the expectations they had of me.

interspersed between all the train-ness was a load of randomness; cocktail parties and sonograms, and uproarious laughter with my friends, and person after person after person in the station demanding our tickets, reminding us we need our tickets, to not forget our tickets. and again and again we replied, they're already on the train.

a tisket a tasket

hmmm it's been quite awhile.

dream from my sunday afternoon nap:

me and carlos were video game characters. or maybe we were creatures from some anime tv show. I don't know. I kept on trying to sing pocahontas songs and he knew them better than I did. I also carried around a gallon of spoiled milk. blegh.

last sunday I spoke in sacrament meeting and it turned out to be really amazing. the spirit was really there, and that's the only thing I wanted. I was the first speaker and it set a good tone for an incredible sunday. they didn't ask me to speak until tuesday night, so I was worried I wouldn't have enough time to ponder things during the week, but it turned out alright in the end.

I spent friday and saturday at celesta's. I stayed up friday night looking at old photo albums with celesta and finishing my woodcut put-together owl (aside: I bought it at the creamery thursday night and sangria too of course walking home from orchestra/stats homework cram late at night, thoroughly angry that no one could come pick me up because I never ask for help and the one time I need help NO-one answers their phone. anyway, I bought it to make me feel better and it totally worked). then saturday we went to see savior of the world at the conference center -- I was thoroughly impressed. it was very spiritual and beautiful. just wonderful. I'm so glad celesta got my ticket for me, cause if I'd had to pay for it myself I wouldn't have gone. 

we got back late so I had to dash to david's to panda express where we were supposed to eat cheap but we must have been confused about something because we definitely paid full price. sad. I totally scarfed my food and then we ran RAN to the hfac to get to the play on time. it was actually a crazy fun adventure running through the tanner building. the play was dancing at lughnasa and it was amazing. very sad and very beautiful. well done. it was in a tiny little theater with 3-sided seating and the actors moved about a lot. the set was awesome.

I am getting fatter and it is very upsetting. I need to exercise more and ... stop eating frosting. etc. 

last night was so so fun. we (oceane, david, stephanie, me, abe, gina and carlos) all crammed in the elevator and chilled there for like an hour eating a whole chocolate frosting container, taking the color code quiz, and just being incredibly ridiculous and having the funnest time ever. then we went deer chasing in abe's car, but we didn't find any to chase. sad. he did try to drive through a field and over this crazy dirt hill. it was ridiculous. I didn't go to bed til 3 am so I needed a long nap this afternoon. 

I should be at an honors fireside tonight for extra credit, but I just couldn't get myself to get dressed and walk to campus. I am going to bed early tonight. that is a solemn promise.

all of my jeans are getting holes in them. but they don't fit me too well anyway anymore. no more frosting.

don't go back to sleep

had two dreams this weekend, but I didn't have my notepad, so I only remember a bit of the first one.

many chairs on a ledge above a large gymnasium/hall. in front of the ledge is a row of mahogany wood or leather chairs with legs from the floor to the ledge, maybe 20 feet high. people in the chairs on the ledge. I'm pretty sure we're watching something but I don't know what it is. me and this guy from work named mckay are sitting in the crazy tall chairs next to each other. I need comforting for some reason, and I cuddle next to him, under his arm, and feel safe and calm.

there's a bar across the front of the chair so you don't fall out. I guess it's supposed to be safe, but it's really scary up there. we're trying to get out of our chairs, but it's really hard with the bar there. I'm pretty much hanging off the edge of it, but mckay pulls me up, and everything's good.

I'm not sure why I have so many dreams about boys saving me. I'm a pretty independent, feisty girl. whoever I end up with is going to have to understand the duality/paradox of my nature. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

I was thinking back to my kissing dreams. first, I had a kissing dream where some guy kissed me with tongue and I slapped him. but at least we kissed. the next two kissing dreams, I wanted to kiss the guy, but I suddenly ended up with food in my mouth. I think I'm just never going to eat food on dates ever. at least I want to be kissed now. oh yeah, I guess I did kiss that one guy later in the dream in that crazy castle narnia one. cool. that was a pretty sweet dream.

The breeze at dawn has things to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want. 

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth

across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Don't let your throat tighten

with fear. Take sips of breath

all day and night, before death

closes your mouth.

The morning wind spreads its fresh smell

We must get up and take that in,

the wind that lets us live.

Breathe before it's gone.

Dance, when you're broken open.

Dance, when you've torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting.

Dance in your blood.

Dance, when you're perfectly free.

(some Indian guy hundreds of years ago)

is this real? or has this been happening inside my head?

of course it's happening inside your head, harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

dream blog 2

part 1

there's lots I can't remember

there's a store or restaurant? interior is a short rectangle, low-ceilinged, cozy. one of the longer walls has a wooden counter with the till (the word seems to fit for some reason). the shorter wall meeting it perpendicular has a rounded bar counter. round wooden tables, lots of people around them, but we don't seem to be doing anything. 

there are quotes hand-painted onto the walls and door. on the end wall where the door is, there is a quote from me, and another on the door. I don't know what they said. the large one on the wall was only two words and supposedly clever, but I looked up at them and didn't get it.  the manager/owner is a man who I should know but can't remember now. claire's friends adam and joe work mornings there, but it's evening, so I missed them.

a little girl with Heelys rolled into a wall and hit her head. she wasn't hurt and everyone, including her, laughed. she came to sit down at a table, but for some reason everyone vacated it. she put her head in her arms and cried. 

I have a black paper sack of stuff I'm buying but I'm going out one door to go through the real door to come back in. the doors are too close, though, and someone else I should know, a girl, is in the way of the two doors and tells me I can't take the sack of stuff out to come back in cause something will happen ?? because they'll be unpaid for when I take them out.

part 2

in my house, a rain storm. I'm on the phone with mom, sitting at the computer and looking out the window, but it's in the dining room where we used to keep the old IBM and later the compaq. I'm just talking away when she suddenly asks me if the storm is too serious? I look out and the house is moving! pushed 10 or 15 feet back. I run into the kitchen. it's hard to make out among the dark wall of clouds, but there's a tornado.

I call dad, he's in the shower, but our shower not his, but when he comes out, he's dry and his robe is on. I call gregory. is jeffrey not there? I don't call for him. dad grabs a huge package, 4 feet long, of multiple packs of hamburger buns. I ask him if that's all we need, incredulous, and he says yes. we go to the basement. right before I go down, the house feels flimsy. too much light is coming in. powerless. I wish we could board the windows or that the basement door was sturdier.

there is storage/survival stuff all over the rec room. gregory is listening to some music on a radio or something. I feel like there should be more freaking out, but there isn't. the pipes are making crazy sounds. there's a huge water pipe behind a walled, wooden contraption, latticed on the inside, where the TV usually is. the pipe starts to burst. dad goes to get a saw?? it starts to spurt water and he yells to me to turn off the water, but the handle, supposedly on the floor, is covered by food storage shelving. he turns it off somewhere else.

I go upstairs to see what's going on because nothing's happening. the tornado is gone, but there are 2 more to the right, one much closer. it rotates and approaches visibly faster as soon as I look at it. scared, I run back downstairs. I fancy I can start to hear the train sound, but only because I expect it. I half-realize that my ears are creating the sound out of nothing. 

gregory wakes me up.

dream blog premier

I think dreams are fascinating and always have. I've been writing them down, when I remember them, for a long time now. I read once or heard someone say that people who tell other people about their dreams are _____. I can't recall, but it was something negative. which surprised me. at the risk of the negative opinions of all you who can fill in that blank, I've decided to post my dreams every now and then. if that's not your thing, feel free to skip those posts. I try to include as many details as possible to reform the sensation of setting, so you might find it tedious. and if that is your thing, feel free to comment and let me know your interpretation, even though my interpretation might make more sense, considering I know myself better than anyone else does. the subconscious is so mysterious and fascinating. "we are not only less reasonable and less decent in our dreams, we are also more intelligent, wiser, and capable of better judgment when we are asleep." the awake self might not acknowledge the truth of that, but the sleep self knows better.

huge, awesome castle -- there's a big ceremonial thing going on in this hall, and I'm royalty or something, or at least someone with authority. it's like narnia, with aslan maybe? and I'm wearing a medievally dress. there are 2 guys standing next to me, giving reports I think. one is very tall and thin, but not too skinny, dark hair and olive skin, not too young looking. he is eyeing me.

a battle, castle under attack, aslan missing. people are running around and there's no order. sometimes I am directing many people and being helpful, other times rushing to other places to accomplish tasks that only I can do, very separate from everyone. I and someone else push these stone walls around, like plates, with a mural or carving of a lion on it, trying to get his help and instigate the assembly in the large hall below to action -- it doesn't work.

I was at the top of this tower and the tall guy wants to kiss me, but we were both eating peanuts and I still have peanuts in my mouth, so I say I taste like peanuts and we don't kiss. he pulls me back into the tower from outside the window, he is strong and secure. we really want to kiss, but we don't. we run off to try and organize.

under serious attack. I convince a little girl to let go of her cat and promise her that if she has faith, she will find it at the end of the battle. we head outside to fight. it's sandy, but not dunes. everyone's out there in a caravan. we start being bombed. the two guys are beside me on the left and others are on my right. the guys start flinging themselves onto the ground with the momentum of the shock waves from the blasts, to absorb the shock safely. (I have no idea if this makes any sense for real, but it worked) 

we all start doing it. me and the guy grip each other's hand in the sand. people are dying and now we're all retreating back to the castle. even though it's sand, it doesn't feel like running in sand. I get separated from everyone and I'm just trying to avoid explosions and help as many people as I can get back unharmed.

we finally get back safe, some of the very last to get in and he's waiting for me, worried. I run to him and kiss him fiercely and we make out for a bit cause we could be dead soon and cause I'm really scared, even though I act with precision and seem like I'm in control of the situation. (the make out was good but sloppy cause your brain can only work with what it already has)

then there's a day of non-war, of recuperation. there's maybe a half-dozen couples who get married because it's now or never. me and dallin watch them, but there aren't any feelings towards each other. roy and mindy get married.

I'm wandering through the castle, which is gorgeous. there are tons of people from college. for some reason, I'm looking for eric hansen who has my frying pan, so I'm wandering around the boys' living quarters. I talk to hestin. random. 

I'm not looking for tall love interest boy because I know he's out fighting. I go to the command headquarters -- it's all dark and there are these kiosk/command stations where you could see on a screen the battle details of outside. I'm worried about him.

I was out fighting and got a sword wound in the side and an arrow in my shoulder. it's the dead calm, literally, after the battle and I'm lying among the corpses. make-out man is out trying to find me. he kisses me when he finds me. he warns me that he's going to take out the arrow and I agree, pale and scared, but still brave. my lips are cracked and dry. I hold his arm and bite my fist and he takes it out. he lifts me and carries me with my legs around his waist and leaning front-ways on his shoulder.

the end.

it was a really fun dream! my mom says I'm a freudian gold mine. 

things I noticed:

-- we didn't kiss because of food (like a previous dream where me and roy didn't kiss because I was eating peas)

-- I am strong and scared at the same time

-- aslan (god) never shows up